Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said........

It has finally come to the forefront of this blog and is now unavoidable to speak of; The Slap Police are here!!!!!

It has been a belief of mine that this world needs an authority in the middle of all other authorities.  

A brand of police who have no restrictions within their role and brand their victims with malice and contempt.

The Slap Police are a new breed of hero; a hero for the every man; a hero far and above the call of duty.

Let me explain......The Slap Police were invented because of the restrictions thrust upon the regular police and all other enforcement agencies.  Although I take issue with various things that police do, such as drive over the speed limit all of the time except just when necessary, but in general the police do a sh!t hot job.  But, the restrictions they must live by pains me more then inch thick anal beads (not that i know that personally, a friends, brothers, sister uses them - and no don't ask me for her number...............because she doesn't really exist.......................awkward!)  anyway, let's get back to the Slapping.  To cut a long story short, there are too many rules and regulations and policies.  The Slap Police exist for one purpose only; TO SLAP STUPID F*#KING DUMB C<NT$.

For example, you are walking along the road pushing a stroller with your child in it, you push the stroller out onto a road and then you look to see if there is any traffic coming!!!!!  A Slap Police Officer would then walk ever so calmly up to you and address you in a formal manner, such as. 'Sir/Madam, do you realize that by pushing the stroller out into the street before looking for traffic, regardless of how perfect your peripheral vision is, you have endangered this childs life.  It is correct that this child sits unharmed in his buggy, eager to reach whatever destination you are set for, yet, it is impossible for me to avoid this citation as I believe that you have put your child in potential harm, thus causing me to believe that you either have something pressing on your mind or you are a f*#king moron; do you understand sir/madam.'

At this point the person is able to respond with any defense that they deem helpful and after the rebuttal the Slap Police Officer would then say something such as 'I understand your situation and the complexities of what brought you to this point, however it is in my opinion that the maximum sentence available to me to pass on is the due owed here today sir/madam.'

And then without further delay the Slap Police Officer will remove his/her glove, pull their arm back behind their head and swing with the force of the Gods and the accuracy of Robin Hoods arrow.  The Slap will be quick, firm and true!

The person will then be assessed as to whether or not they require medical assistance and then the Slap Police Officer hands the offence violator a ticket that just pretty much clearly states the words - YOU HAVE BEEN SLAPPED BY YOUR FRIENDLY LOCAL SLAP POLICE OFFICER, HAVE A NICE DAY AND PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!

So, this brings me to the picture.  Sally was one day drinking with her friends and got incredibly drunk.  Sally hates the people who live next door because they seem to have picture perfect lives.  Sally then decides to hop up, butt ass naked and take a dump on her neighbors lawn from over the fence.  It was then that Sally realised two things. 1) She didn't actually have to take a dump & 2) This entire thing was not a really well thought out plan as she got stuck.  As the offence was not acknowledged as a severe enough violation by the police, the Slap Police were called.  Brian and Terry, the local Slap Police were on their day off, but as they were not far from the address, they took the call anyway.  When they arrived they assessed the situation and decided that the slapping would need to take place after Sally was removed from the fence.  Brian and Terry then persisted to assist the offence violator and after Sally finished her special delivery, Brian and Terry helped her off the fence.  Sally was a little embarrassed by then and had sobered up quite a bit.  "I am so sorry officers."  she said.  Brian looked at Terry and Terry looked at Brian then then both men slapped the woman simultaneously.

"Oh f*#k."  Sally said as she fell to the ground with her bare @ss still exposed.  "What did you do that for?"

"We do apologise ma'am, but in extreme circumstances, when stupidity reaches new heights with no conceivable precedent, we are allowed to act first and explain our rightful actions afterward.  Brian and Terry then explained to Sally just how stupid she was for doing what she did and after her sentence was passed, She decided that it was fair enough and then she sh!t herself all over the lawn and fell asleep.

other types of Slap Police offenses are: smoking around a baby, overtaking in a school zone at any time of the day even if it was a legal act, packing the light breakable grocery items in the bags first, renting the Accidental Tourist, watching Brothers & Sisters, driving a Hummer, gambling on Pokie machines, honking impatiently at the person in front of you when they can physically do nothing about the traffic in front of them, being a scientologist who can't explain their faith in less then twenty five words, people who push into lines, women who buy clothes two sizes too small, men who where plaid and don't golf, people who complain about the person in line in front of them having 16 items in their basket in a 15 item register, people who think that Elvis is still alive, people who think Michael Jackson is still alive, being American, most people who are French, people who walk into trees or fall down potholes because they were perving on a girl/guy, kids who wear their hats on backward because they think it is cool, kids who have their underpants showing ........

and many, many more.

So now that the Slap Police are out there in blog world, expect to see a lot more of them.