Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said.......

Sue woke up in a sudden and shockingly terrifying way.  She screamed and then yelled out in pain and realised that she was in a hospital bed.  "Where am I?"  She said in a daze as a nurse came running into the room.

"You are in hospital.  You were left on our doorstep at 2am this morning without any clothes on and you had a note attached to your backside.

"What the F*#k?!!?  Where's the note?"

The nurse pointed to the side table.  "I'll leave you alone to read that."

Sue then rolled over and grabbed the note and noticed that most of her pain came from her @ss.  Sue read the note!

'Hi Sue, sorry I have to ditch you like this but our house is on fire and I have to get back so that I can explain the dead Kangaroo.  I also have to untie Sister Josephine just in case the fire reaches the shed.  love you and sorry again for the sore @ss.  Dougy.'

Sue then realized that her memory must be screwed up because she couldn't remember any of what's in the letter.  Kangaroo?  Sister Josephine? Fire?  What the f*#k happened and what the f*#k happened to my ass?????!!!!!

The nurse returned due to Sue's persistent pressing of the call button.  "Yes, are you ok?"

"No, has a doctor looked at my @ss?"

"Many doctors have looked at your @ss this morning ma'am.....longingly; do you work out?"  The rather overweight and hagged nurse smiled and Sue hoped that the next thing to be said was not going to be 'Would you like a sponge bath?'

"I mean, does my doctor know why my ass is so sore?"

"Yes, you had a small hammer handle wedged up there when you were left downstairs."

"A Hammer....a f*#king hammer."

"Yes, the doctor had to also remove a few splinters, so I would predict that your ass will be sore for a few days at least.  [email protected] may not be too hard though."

"Wow; can I leave?"

"You can, but i'm not sure if you'll get too far without any clothes or money."

"I just can't remember what happened to me and it's driving me f*#king insane."

The nurse felt sorry for Sue; possibly because she thought she was so f*#king attractive.  "I have an idea.  I am very good at hypnotherapy; would you let me hypnotize you to find out what happened to you last night."

Sue thought long and hard and decided to let the nurse have a crack at it.  "As long as you don't get me to cluck like a chicken or lick you out."

"I promise."  The nurse said with a disappointed tone.  She set it all up and had Sue sitting comfortably.  Instead of a watch the nurse had a stethoscope swinging back and forward.  "Just listen to my voice Sue, you are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, now lick my pu$y.."

"What the F*#k?"

"Just kidding."  The nurse giggled and then got on with the hypnotherapy.  "You are getting sleepy, sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.  Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to lick my pu$y?"

"No...um....maybe."

"Alright, we'll get back to that.  Now I want you to think back to yesterday, before anything strange happened.  What did you have for breakfast yesterday?"

"Chocolate!  I licked it out of my boyfriends as.."

"Wait, I don't think I want to hear anything about your sexual habits with your boyfried."

"..I was going to say 'my boyfriends aesthetically pleasing fondue set."

"Right!  Then what did you both do after breakfast."

"I sucked my boyfriends pen.."

"Wait..............oh f*#k it, go on."

"Pencil, while I thought about what to write on my Mothers birthday card."

"Alright, what happened next?"

"My boyfriend licked my nip....are you going to stop me?"

"No, i'm sure it will be innocent enough."

"Nipples, while he choked himself and then gave me a mushroom tattoo."

The nurse then wondered whether this girl was really under her control, or if she was just f*#king with her.  "Cluck like a chicken."

"Buckark."

"Alright fine, lets get back to yesterday and now i want you to move your mind past the nipple licking and tell me about what happened after all of the s#xual activity."

"I woke up here this morning with a sore @ss."

"Sh!t."  The nurse said and then realised that Sue then started straining as if she was taking a s#!t.  "Stop s#!tting."

"Too late, i'm finished."  The nurse only thought of how she brought this upon herself and considered getting Sue to clean up after herself before bringing her out of the hypnotherapy.  

"Alright then, go back to the nipple licking.  What happened after that?"

"Pu$$y licking."

"And then?"

"@ss licking."

"And then?"

"My boyfriend asked for chapstick."

"Now I want you to tell me about the rest of the day without taking a break unless i say so."

Sue then began the tale.  "After my boyfriend finished satisfying his belief that he was satisfying me we went to the shops to buy groceries, especially since we were out of chocolate.  We ran into the security guard Joshua Fingerf*#k..."

"Wait, the guards name is Fingerf*#k?"

"Yes, he changed it from Jones because he had an individuality complex and wanted to be different to everyone else and that meant not having a name that could be the same as anyone else.  Joshua told us that someone was stealing Baby Ruth candy bars from every shop that sold them and he was on the look out for the culprit.  So far there were no leads.  After we finished shopping, we went to the ladies toilet to f*#k.  A minute and a half later, we heard someone come in, so we waited until they were gone.  My boyfriend was curious so he stuck his head over the partition and saw the nun from our local church, Sister Josephine ripping wrappers off of Baby Ruth's and jamming them down her throat.  She didn't seem to be stopping either.  To prop himself up, my boyfriend had his foot on my leg and it started to hurt, so i slipped and my boyfriend fell through the door and almost scared Sister Josephine to death.  She threw the Baby Ruth's up in the air and they all dropped to the dirty pissed on floor.  But, although she was surprised by us, Sister Josephine jumped to the floor and started picking up the open bars and just before she jammed another one in her mouth, my boyfriend stopped her and picked her up.  "What the f*#k are you doing Sister?"

"I can't help it, i'm addicted to these sweet f*#king chocolate covered dreams.  I'm always looked at as a pillar of strength and every now and then i just get this hankering for a tasty f*#king Baby Ruth."

I looked at my boyfriend and he looked at me and we decided that we needed to help Sister with her addiction.  "What can we do to help you Sister?"

The Sister composed herself and licked her fingers and then stood up straight and answered in her proper voice.  "I do not need help!"

"I beg to differ."

We all turned to face the door to the toilet where securtiy guard Joshua Fingerf*#k was standing with his pepper spray.  "I have to take you in Sister."

"Oh Lord."  She said and tears started to well up.

"Wait."  I said.  "We can help her reform, you can't hand her into the police."

Joshua thought long and hard and finally lowered his spray.  He then realised that my boyfriend was in the ladies toilet.  "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Um, my girlfriend lost her earring and i was just helping her look for it."

"Right."  Joshua said unbelievingly.  "Alright, Do you think that you can help her?"

"We do."

Joshua Fingerf*#k then got a call about a man in the car park exposing himself to a dog tied up to a bike rack.  "I have to go, but if i see this Sister even near a Baby Ruth again, i'll take her down so hard that her new habit will be Baby Ruth the biker lesbian over at Wacol."

"You know what Joshua?"  I said with contempt.  "You really need a f*#k."

"Are you offering?"

"I don't do sympathy f*#ks, their bad for my orgasm consistency."

After leaving the shopping complex with Sister Josephine, my boyfriend suggested a technique of habit breaking that worked for him.  "We tie the Sister up to a chair in the shed and only feed her healthy tasty food and leave a Baby Ruth near her in a bowl full of dog sh!t."

It seemed a little f*#ked up, but what did we have to lose.  We couldn't let the Sister go to jail.  When we got home we went into the shed to set everything up and all of a sudden something jumped out of nowhere and kicked my boyfriend in the face.  The Sister and I hid behind the car and I grabbed a hammer for protection.  Whatever it was disappeared so i told the Sister to stay hidden I went to see what it was.  my boyfriend was unconscious; i pushed forward into the dark shed.  I could hardly see anything, but when the thing jumped at me i swung the hammer and i hit it in the head.

"Wait."  Yelled a voice from the door.  But it was too late.

Our room mate Dougy turned on the light and revealed a very f*#ed up scene.  It was a kangaroo lying dead on the floor.  "Oh sh!t."  I said in horror.  "I didn't mean to kill a kangaroo.  Why the f*#k is a kangaroo in our shed?"

"Um, I found it the other day out in the bush and there were hunters around.  I was worried that it would be killed as it had a joey in its pouch."

"Oh dear Lord."  Sister Josephine said.  "Where is the Joey?"

"It's at the vet getting checked over."  Dougy then looked at the Sister.  "Why is Sister Josephine here?"

"Chocolate addiction!"  I said.

"Chair treatment."  Dougy asked.

"Yup."

"Alright, how about I take Harry to the hospital and get his head looked at and you can look after the Sister."

"Um, does any of this seem just a little out of the ordinary to any of you?"  Sister Josephine asked humbly.

"You should visit on Halloween Sister."  I said.  "Thanks Dougy,"

So, Dougy took Harry, my boyfriend, to the hospital and i tied up Sister Josephine and put some Baby Ruth's in a bowl with some Kangaroo sh!t.  "Now Sister, i'm going to go up to the house and wait for Dougy to get back, i've left a cup with a straw next to you and i'll be back later to feed you some grapes and yoghurt alright."

"Your a sweet girl...........................can i have a Baby Ruth?"

"No sister."

"I'll do things to you that no man could possibly conceive."

"Ooh Snap."

Sister Josephine then shook her head vigorously.  "I'm sorry my dear, my habit really is cradled by the Devil.

"That's ok Sister, i've heard worse in my time."

half an hour later Dougy returned.  "He's alright but they are going to keep him overnight for observation.  How's the Sister?"

"That's one f*#ked up nun."

"Cool; i'm going to go and fix the bumper on the car.  On my way back from the hospital i hit a tree after perving on a girl in a bikini."

"Dougy, you know that if you want to see a hot girl in a bikini, you just have to ask."

Then Dougy smiled and i knew that he wanted me to get into my bikini and come and help him fix the car; so i did.  it's the least that i could do since i killed his Kangaroo.  So i got into my hot pink bikini and took Sister Josephine some grapes and yoghurt.  She offered me some sexual favors for a bite of a Kangaroo poo covered Baby Ruth, but i just fed her and left her there.  I then grabbed the hammer, just in case Dougy needed it.  When he saw me in my bikini, he got a little excited, but then grabbed the hammer off me and started work to take his mind off of my hot body.  when we finished the car Dougy had one last hit with the hammer to take out a dent, but when he struck the bumper the hammer got stuck between the bumper and the grill.  he pulled and pulled, but could not move it.  "Ah f*#k, could you help me Sue?"  So i did.  I kind of stood in front of Dougy and grabbed the hammers handle and Dougy put his arms around me.  "Ok, pull."  We heaved and heaved but I slipped on the pavement and fell down onto the hammer and it went straight up my ass.  I screamed and fell forward and Dougy fell backward and ripped off my bikini top and bottom trying to stop himself.  he did stop himself but then he fell forward and put his hands out to try to stop himself from falling on me and jamming the hammer further up my doight.  Oh God i was in pain.  The hammer was unwrenched from the bumper, but it was firmly jammed up my ass and Dougy tried to pull it out, but it just wouldn't come out without severely f*#king hurting me.  Dougy ran inside to get the keys to the house, so he could take me to the hospital and on his way out he kicked the heater.  As we were driving away from the house we saw the flames flickering out of the window.  meanwhile the pain i was feeling was so f*#king intense that i just passed out.  After that i assume that the note tells me the rest of the story."

"Alright, now after you wake up, you will remember all of that story.  Wake up."

"Ooh my Ass.  That really did hurt.  Thank you Nurse for helping me to remember.  is there anything i can do for you?"

The nurse thought about her long untouched Ginie, but decided that it was not proper for a nurse to ask such a thing.  "No, it's ok, just don't tell anyone i hypnotized you.  oh and if you cluck every time you cook some eggs, that will wear off after a few days."

"But wait, where's Harry?"

"Oh my head."  The nurse then pulled back the curtain to the bed next to Sue to reveal Harry.

"Until i heard your story, i didn't realise that this was your boyfriend."

"Sue, what are you doing hear?"

"Um........I'd rather not say, but as far as i know everything is alright."

Dougy then came to the door.  "Good Morning all you three."

"Three?"  Sue asked.

Dougy pulled the curtain opposite away to reveal Sister Josephine wearing a pink bikini with chocolate stains all over her face.

"What the f*#k happened last night Dougy?"  Sue asked.

"Well, the fire department couldn't save the house, but after i saved the Sister from the shed, she made a conscious decision to start losing weight until she looked as good as you in that binkini.  That's not Baby Ruth on her face, it's Gelati.  Where weaning her off chocolate.  Josephine and I.."

"Don't you mean Sister."

"Not anymore."  Josephine said.  "I never really wanted to be a Sister.  I actually wanted to be a pastry chef, but my mother was a nun and my mothers, mother...well, you get the drift."

"Josephine and I are going to go to Byron Bay to live and she's going to really live her life, yet still love God through pastry."

"Well, i suppose things worked out for everyone after all."  the Nurse said and left felling a little bit left out.

Sue then went over to Harry's bed.  "I'm so glad that you are alright."

"How 'bout a f*#k?"  Harry said anxiously as he pulled the curtain around.

"Alright, but not in the @ss, i'll tell you why later."

Nurse T!ttytw!ster sighed in the hallway as she listened to the four people going at it like rabbits and then a man walked up to her.  "Excuse me, my name is Joshua Fingerf*#k and I accidentally sprayed pepper spray all over my p#nis.  Can you help me because it really f*#king hurts."

The nurse then smiled and led him into an unoccupied room.  "You know the best thing for that is saliva."

"Really?  I thought just some cream."

"That too."

Meanwhile back at the burnt down house a fireman saw the car parked out back in front of the shed and called over his mates.  "Hey guys, look at the impression on this hood. 'You know what happened here' I bet some chick got severely hammered on that hood."

He then took a picture and sent it to Capt Mal.  Sorry anonymous fireman, but things don't always turn out the way we imagine them.

p.s. Sorry readers for such a long hiatus but if you are really too upset by this then you probably need to get laid or maybe eat a Baby Ruth and I don't mean a big tough lesbian convict.