Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said........

"So Charlie, where should we go for our anniversary this year?"  Beatrice asked her distracted husband of thirty years.

Charlie was watching the early morning weather program that had a cute little blonde girl with perky boobs talking about humidity and high temperatures.  "Um, is that coming up?"

"You old f*#king [email protected]@rd, we've been together for 46 years and you still can't remember our anniversary."

"I remembered last year didn't I, you cranky old hag?"

"Only because it clashed with your poker night, now where the f*#k are you taking me this year?"

Charlie looked blankly at his aged yet, still attractive wife of 46 years.  "Um, it's a surprise."

"Yeah, I know what surprise means to you; either you forgot, or your going to get your willy out and think that it will make everything alright."

Charlie then laughed.  "Well it does doesn't it?"

Beatrice grinned lightly.  "Well..........mostly.  But not this year!!  This year I want something different and interesting and maybe even adventurous.

Charlie tried not to show a look of feeling like he was f*#ked and simply said.  "It's all that and a bag of chips my dear wife."

'I'm f*#ked he thought to himself.'

all week Charlie concerned himself with what to do for their anniversary.  He thought about flowers, boat rides, restaurants, skydiving, jousting, rock bands & he even thought about taking her to a male revue; but nothing jumped out and said 'original'!

Then the morning before their anniversary, Charlie was looking through the paper and came across an ad for a new housing community that opened up down the road.  The paper said it was called 'Morning Wood'!  an unfortunate name but the thing that jumped out and grabbed Charlie was that an open day was coming up and they had a carnival.  The ad was very promising and Charlie new that it was the way to go.  They had pony rides, a ferris wheel, bumber cars, games, a concert and it was all on Friday Morning.  Charlie did not finish reading the ad; he was too excited.  He and his wife had not been to a carnival since the day they met 46 years ago.  Charlie threw the paper aside and picked up the phone.  He booked a horse and cart to take them to the carnival and a dozen yellow roses; Beatrice's favourites!  For the rest of the day, he moped around as if he was not excited to throw his wife off the trail; she was a sniffer dog for sh!t like this!  Beatrice always guessed what Charlie had planned for anniversary's, even the time he hired the fireman stripper, she was waiting at the door with a length of garden hose and a bottle of whipped cream.  But this time, Charlie knew he had the upper hand.

That evening he told his wife that he was too tired to have any s#x and he went straight to sleep, but not before hiding a very expensive necklace under his pillow to slip around his wifes neck in the morning.

The morning came like a flash and everything went as planned.  

"Oh darling, it's beautiful!!  I love it and I'll wear it all day."  Beatrice said as she put her new necklace on.

"Oh darling, yellow roses, you remembered."  Beatrice said as she accepted her roses from the delivery boy.

"Oh darling, a horse and cart, where on Earth could we be going?"  Beatrice asked as they stepped out in their finest day clothes and hopped up into the cart.

"Oh darling, a carnival, this is the most magic of all of our anniversaries and I had no idea."  Beatrice said as the horse and cart came close to the carnival and she could see the ferris wheel approaching.

"......................................F*#k me dead Charlie, this is a nudist, I wondered why the cart driver said that he thought we were a bit over dressed.  How did you think for one second that this would be a romantic day out for me, to get bare @ss naked with a bunch of strangers and bounce around on the jumping castle while my t!ts whack some poor child in the face which will then cause him to run to his mother and say 'That woman hit me in the face with her t!t mum.'  And then everyone will look at me and see just how saggy I am and I'll forever be know as T!twhacker!"

Beatrice caught her breath and while she was fuming, Charlie took the chance to say something...anything.  "I guess I didn't read the ad all the way to the bottom, but while we're here................"  Charlie then looked as adoringly as he could at his beautiful wife pulled down his zip, got out his willy, got down on his knee and said in his most serene voice.  "......Will you get butt naked with me?"

Beatrice stared with steam coming out of her ears down at her stupid looking husband and a smirk crossed her face.  Then she looked down at his willy and a smile came to visit.  Then as a clown walked past with a d!ck the size of a donkey's Beatrice laughed!  Beatrice laughed so hard that she almost threw up.  "Oh f*#k me!"  She said as she tried to regain her composure.  "Yes my dear Charlie.  I will get naked with you."

So on this fine Friday morning in the cosy little community known as 'Morning Wood' there surely was an awful lot of morning wood, along with some scrumpy crumpets, flooby boobies, dangly wangly's, foxy boxies, curly wurlies, rippled nipples & a clown with an oblong schlong the size a kilo sandbag.  Charlie and Beatrice had the greatest anniversary of their entire lives past, present and future and they had such a wonderful time that they packed up all of their sh!t and moved to 'Morning Wood'!

I'd love to tell you that every day at Morning Wood is just as good as the one before, but I'd be altering the truth!

Every day at Morning Wood is BETTER then the last one; especially since the clown runs the local pool cleaning business and his wife Gertrude (an ex Brazillian volleyball player/pin up girl), is the local dentist.

Life is good at Morning Wood, that is of course until the new community opens up down the road - 'Bush Haven' and coming next Summer - 'Penis Land' (yeah i know that the last one isn't really clever, but I figure that if a bunch of guys got together and came up with a name for a place where there would be a whole heap of dudes living in the same place, they would probably all decide upon Penis Land and the roads would be called Nut Coldersack, Johnson Crescent, Humpa Way, Chickseye Road, Nailtothewall Street & most prominently, Outwiththeold Avenue.  We are a simple race!!!)