Captain Mal Explains

And Captain Mal said.........

Hello world, it's me Captain Mal, here to tell you a story about a girl I will call 'Lotsa'.  Now Lotsa lived with her Aunty Jude the heroin addicted, ruffi popping alcoholic and her boyfriend Tad, the bisexual shoe salesman.  She was young and full of whimsical dreams of a place far away, maybe a castle and a prince, but she had one giant flaw............she was.........blonde!!!!!!!  Lotsa hated her hair color, she even dieted to punish herself for the cruel torments she would get from all of the dark and red haired girls at school.  "Hey Goldilocks, slept with any bears lately."  would be just one of the many cruel and vicious things that would be said to her on the playground.  Lotsa sucked it up though and one day she would be able to die her hair a more natural color and be rid of her hideous form.

on this particular day, Lotsa was in a cafe eating a quadruple decker hamburger bathed in peanut butter and caramel sauce while thinking about her favorite Star Wars character, Jabba the Hutt.  She loved how strong and powerful Jabba was and that at any time he could just kill one of his sex slaves and everyone would just cover it up for him' just like when billionaires butlers would walk in on their master strangling an escort with anal beads and crying out 'I'm not a C student anymore Mrs Malestria am I?'.  Jabba was her idol and she hoped one day she would be as large and admired as he was.  After Lotsa finished her discreet meal, she was approached by a young skinny woman; she looked so pale and gaunt that Lotsa immediately felt sorry for her and started to reach for some money to buy her a meal but the woman put up her hand in protest.  "No Lotsa, i'm not in need of money......I'm your mother."

Lotsa could not believe her ears.  "Mum, but where have you been all of my life?"

"I've been inside Roseanne Barr!  It's a long story, but one day I was driving through Hollywood and I took a wrong turn.  I thought I was driving up Delta Bourke, which didn't worry me since I knew that she has constant verbal and anal diarrhea that I would drive out of her @ss in no time, but Roseanne was a different story.  There was a whole year that I spent in the upper colon with Hoffa eating Tortillas and swapping love stories, but finally one day I found myself in her toilet and was flushed out to sea where a Chinese fishing trawler picked me up.  I had to do horrible things for them to get them to bring me back to shore, but it was worth every black jelly bean I ate since they hated black jelly beans so much and couldn't stand to eat another one just because it was in the bag and they didn't want to feel wasteful.  Anyway, I was finally brought back to you and I went to find you at your Aunty Jude's place but she seemed to be dead and Tad was entertaining what looked like a hockey team and they were doing something that rhymes with Puck."

"Were they f*#king Mum?"

"No darling, they were Shucking Oysters you fowl mouthed beast."  Lotsa's Mum however thought back to when she saw Tad and the Hockey team naked shucking oysters and then realised that her daughter was probably right, but she just thought she would leave it.

"So my sweet pumpkin, I am back and I love you and want to be their for you for ever and ever."

"Well, you could put some weight on Mum, you're fading away."

"Yes, living inside Roseanne will do that to you, the only thing that you can eat after she's eaten it is Mexican's."

"You mean Mexican food?"

"Um.......sure why not."

Then Lotsa and her Mum left the diner and went for a walk down the road.  they saw a street artist and Lotsa's Mum decided to by her daughter a picture.  The man drew a picture, making sure to take his time and then finally he handed it to the girl and her face lit up from ear to ear.  "Oh my God, in just one hour, i've got my Mum back and this man thinks I look like Jabba the Hutt.  This is the greatest day of my life.  But sir, how did you know that I love Jabba the Hutt?"

The artist looked confused and was about to say 'I didn't.'  But thought better of it and instead he said.  "Isn't he everyone's?"

The girl then took her Mum's hand  and they walked hand in hand down the road and into the future.

The End

P.S. And by no way does Captain Mal endorse either the encouragement of overeating, taking drugs, shucking someone else's Oysters,  Carnival Folk, or Roseanne Barr, Good night and God bless, unless of course you believe in that Sciency religion thing that was invented to dodge tax and confuse the f*#k out of all human life

P.P.S.  I was going to have a bigger adventure filled with lude, crude stuff, but I thought that it was time I take it down a notch and stop swearing so much and using such foul language.

P.P.P.S. Just f*#king with you folks, holy sh!t that chick is fat, don't you reckon?  that girl is so fat that when she walks down the street she has a car drive in front of her with yellow flashing lights.