Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said.........

"I remember the day when i first thought up the character, Ballsout Starcrapper........ I still remember that Princess Leia bust that i won in the Captain Mal competition........ I also remember nailing it to the roof above my bed.

I'm an old man now though; I can barely remember the last time I wrote a story like those, but I do remember them.  Especially the one with the hot chick that Ballsout ended up marrying; that was cool.  I suppose i should probably not give myself props about it;  I might look a little vein in your article Ms. Heiny."

"Well Mr Force, I don't think that any of your fans will ever think that you could possibly be vein or a negative influence upon them at all."

"You make me blush Ms. Heiny and you cause me great pain."

"Pain?  How so?"

"My pants get tighter when you are around."

The hot young reporter then blushed and looked away for a moment to compose herself.  "Seriously though Mr Force, i am here to speak about your characters and your motivations.  could you give me a little bit of what motivates you?"

"Oh, you can definitely have some of what motivates me Ms Heiny, but although i jest about how hot you are and how fantastic it would be to throw down right here and now with you, I am married and have been for fifty years."

"Wow.  Fifty years is a long time."

"Not when they are all better then the last one.  My wife is perfect, regardless of eccentricities.  A famous person once said, 'The perfect things in life are usually not the most perfect of things and the perfect people in life are usually perfectly flawed."

"Who wrote that Mr Force?"  Ms. Tittiane Heiny spoke with the utmost of interest.

"Um.......f*#ked if I know; I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone some dude who wrote some quote that was probably spoken sixty years ago, maybe i wrote it."  Enrique Force then burped.  "Oh wait, I had eggs for breakfast!"

Ms Heiny smiled and tried not to laugh.  "So Mr Force, could you tell us the story of how you thought up Ballsout Starcrapper then?  It would be great to reference it in the article."

Enrique thought for a moment and then answered definitively.  "No!"

"Um...."  Ms Heiny was unsure as to whether she had offended this brilliant man.

"No, what I meant to say was, I think it would be a nicer thing for the readers to tell of the last time I wrote about Ballsout Starcrapper.  You see, I wrote an epic adventure for the Captain Mal blog, but before it could be put up on the website, Chuck Norris' blocked the internet and sucked the blog into his brain, never to be seen again.  I'm not sure how Chuck Norris did it, but he was offended at a story that was put in there about him and I guess that sh!t just don't fly with the Chuck."

"Do you mean World President Chuck Norris?"

"The one and only.  I saved his life once you know?"

Ms Heiny was impressed.  "Really?"

"Yep, but that might be a story for another time.  So back to this epic adventure of Ballsout Starcrapper; would you like to hear it?"

"Are my panties red with a pink bow on them?"

".......................Um................"

"Yes,"  Ms Heiny said to clarify her statement.  "Yes, I would love to hear your story."

"Good, well then, hold onto your red panties with the pink bow for this tale is the kind of story that you tell people on their death beds.  Episode 4 - Once upon a time......no wait.....A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, there was a hero of the Galaxy named Ballsout Starcrapper!  He was Tatooine born and bred and he just loved to dream of becoming a hero again, since he was now a simple water farmer back on his home planet with his wife Sleazy and his ten children Yip, Yap, Yup, Yop, Yep, Jock, Jack, Jeck, Jick and Pimp.  (Pimp was actually meant to be Juck, but Juck, as you could guess was a very popular name at the time because of the black hole near Endor that was called Juck and Sleazy didn't want any of her kids named after a black hole.  Personally, if i was going to name someone after a black hole i'd call them..............hhmmmm............. no, best not to say that.  So, basically Ballsout was now a family man!  It had also been quite some time since he had had s#x with Sleazy because of all of the children so his Nuts had grown back to their previous size again.  He had forgotten how f*#king heavy they were.

one day, he decided to go to the Tarshi Station to pick up some power converters (because Ballsout never whinged about anything, he would just do what he wanted and if he had an Uncle who told him otherwise then he probably would have head butted him) and he ran into Biggs Darklighter.

"Hey Ballsout, i'm heading off to join the Rebellion against the Empire, do you want to come?"

"No thanks, I've had enough of those f*#kers, especially that p*ssy snitch Lord Vader."

"What, you know him?"

"oooh yeah.  So, the rebellion huh!  I guess I could think about it.  Where is the recruitment office?"

"Alderaan, but that's a secret, cause if anyone found that out, i'm sure the Empire would be a bit pissed off since Alderaan is the home of the Empire's recruitment office too."

"Mum's the word Biggs, is Luke going?"

"No, he's a pussy and I think the only way that he would leave this planet was if his Aunt and Uncle had some kind of tragic circumstances fall upon them and cause them to be burned alive and their skeletons left out for Luke to see and be seriously scarred."

"Guess so!"  Ballsout said.  "I'll think about it.  Good Luck."

"Don't say good luck Ballsout, if you say good luck to someone then their sure to be killed violently trying to destroy a big bad battle station or something."

"Um......I think you have a vivid imagination Biggs, but May the Force be with you anyway."

Now, to cut a long story about Sleazy not wanting Ballsout to go back to war short, Ballsout decided to go, after they shared a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss and he headed to Mos Eisley to find a ship that would take him to Alderaan.  Han Solo had apparently picked up a charter so he got a ride with a dude named Greedo, but Han Solo shot him, so then he got a ride with a Shistavanen Wolfman named Lak Sivrak.  Lak was a bit of a hound dog, so Ballsout had to share accommodation with a bunch of Wolfwomen, who all wanted to investigate his girth, but Ballsout resisted any temptation.  When they got to Alderaan Lak and his Wolfwomen went back to Uvena Prime for a massive orgy under the full moon.  After Ballsout got that disturbing visual out of his head he went to find the Rebellion, but instead he found the Imperial recruitment office and was hearded in.

a large hairy Imperial grabbed Ballsouts shoulder and looked down at him.  "He kid, you need to join us or i'm going to put a rather large hole in your stomach with my blaster & if my blaster doesn't work then i'm going to F*#k you in the @ss."

"Alright, fine, but I am going to put a hex on you; I believe you will blow up some time very soon you fat piece of sh!t."

the big man punched Ballsout in the face and he was knocked out.  "Put him on the transport to the EathDay TarStay."

Dopey Stormtrooper number 6798 looked confused.  "Do you mean the Death Star."

"Oh for f*#k sake George, I was trying to say Death Star in code."

"Oooh, I get it, would you like me to go and get you a Bigay Macay Sargent?"

Sargent Lard pulled out his gun and shot Stormtrooper 6798, then turned to Stormtrooper 6799.  "Could you take this recruit to the ship and get me a f*#king Big Mac?"

"They only have HJ's on Alderaan soon, Macdonald's didn't ask for approval here due to their insurance company advising them that this planet is most likely to be blown up if the Empire ever creates a large planet destroying gun."

"this just isn't my day.  Alright fine, get me a f*#king Whopper then and make sure you super size it."

So Ballsout was put on the transport to the Death Star and just as they left the atmosphere, a laser was heading straight for the planet and Sargent Lard saw it coming.  "Well f*#k me gently with a chainsaw, that recruit must have the Force or something."  Then Alderaan blew up.

Ballsout woke up in the recruits sleeping hall on the Death Star.  "Where the f*#k am I?"

"Death Star!"  said a rather pretty girl sitting next to him reading the manual on what to do if a Wookie escapes in the detention center.

"The Death Star?"

"Yeah, it's a big battle station with a laser that can destroy a planet.  We just blew up Alderaan."

"What, i was just there, and now it's gone?"

"Yup, f*#ked."

"And you're ok with that?"

"Nup, but you don't go against the grain around here or you get shot or Vader squeezes your throat with the Force and not in a good s#xual way either."

apart from that confession telling Ballsout a lot about this girl, he wanted nothing more then to get the f*#k out of here.  "So, how do I get out of here?"

"Can't."  the girl said as she kept reading.  "Did you know that a Wookie's d!ck is about as long as a..."

"What do you mean you can't?"

The girl then got irritated and put the book down and held out her hand.  "Hello, my name is Stormtrooper 696969 or you can call me Gin Legsout.  And there is not a way off of this Battle Station unless you get shot out in a body bag or assigned to one of those Star Destroyers."

Ballout Starcrapper shook her hand.  "My name is Ballsout Starcrapper and I don't have a stormtrooper number yet and if you want to help me then I plan on escaping this station or blowing it up."

Gin looked seriously at Ballsout for a moment.  "Alright hero, you think you can get me off."

"No, I'm married, I can't."

"No you idiot, I mean off this Death Star."

"Oh, I'm going to try."

"Good enough for me, what's our first move?"

"I'd say, getting me into a Stormtrooper outfit so we can move around unchecked."

"Ballsout Starcrapper!!!"  a loud booming voice startled the two co conspirators.

Ballsout stood up and to attention as an officer walked up to him.  "Yes sir."

"Somehow, Ballsout, you have been promoted from the Stormtrooper squad to General Starcrapper.  It seems like you have been noticed by Darth Vader.  Here's your uniform and you need an assistant."

"Um, this is my assistant, Stormtrooper 696969."

"Fine!  SUIT UP and go and see Vader, he's on level AMF, just go out of the elevator turn left and head straight past Westfields, don't go into Westfields, but go around the back to the HJ's.  He's in there at Moff Tarkins grandkids birthday party. It's a hero and villain theme, i think Vader is dressed like Lara Croft."

"Alright then Sargent, so i outrank you now!"  Ballsout said.

"Yes sir."

"Well then.........f*#k off.........but, get me a Pepsi Max first."

"Yes sir."

Then Ballsout and Gin, surprised by this startling turn of events, decided to act quickly toward getting off of this Death Star.

Ballsout put on his new uniform and gave the new assistant uniform to Gin.  for some reason it was modified to her stunning figure and lots of legs and cleavage were showing.  (Of course I had nothing to do with this for all of you feminists reading this.  It was just how it was, so please don't get all narky on my @ss and please don't send in any  complaints because....well....we aren't going to read it.)

When they arrived at Macdonalds they stood behind a very portly Stormtrooper and waited to be served so they could find Lord Vader.

"Um......i'll have two Wookie Fries, a Dewback Rib Float, Six Space Burger without onion cause onion makes me fart and I hate farting in this f*#king suit, it lingers for days and then when I take my helmet off in the communal locker rooms all the girls kinda look at me with turned up noses.  It sucks being this fat you know.."

"I feel for ya."  The weedy little upstart of an employee answered, without caring about how long it was taking to serve this seriously disturbed man.

"Thanks......um........and i'll have an extra large Diet Soda, but could you put some cream on top?"

"Yep dude, we aim to please."

"Oh thank f*#k."  Ballsout said under his breath while scratching his nuts.  The fabric in these uniforms was really rubbing him up the wrong way.

a large tray finally was presented to the Fat Stormtrooper and before the man moved he noticed that he was given baby Wookie fries and not large Wookie fries.  "Um...these are small fries."

"I don't think your toilet bowl will mind."  Ballsout said as he pushed his way passed the man who's only concern in the world was that he wasn't going to get enough greasy potatoless chips into his fat @ss.  The man was going to complain but noticed Ballsout's rank and decided to come back later after he had devoured his current meal.

"Welcome to Macdonalds Death Star, how may I be of service?"  The man with the name Mitchell on his badge said proudly, but with little stamina.

"I am here to see Lord Vader, could you let us into the birthday room?"

"Have you got an invitation?"

"No, I was ordered here by Darth Vader."

"Well, if you have not invitation, do you have a requisition slip?"

"No. But,"

"I'm sorry, but without an invitation or a requisition slip, you can not proceed into the birthday room."

"But Darth Vader is expecting us."

"Well, the only other way that I can let you in is if you buy something."

"Alright, I'll have a Space Burger."

"Sorry, we're out of Space Burger."

"The last guy had a Space Burger."

"He bought the last ones."

"Alright i'll just have a Soda."

"Sorry sir, but the Soda machine just failed."

"Well what the f*#k do you have?"

"Um sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language here at the Death Star Macdonalds, it's damaging to my ears and to the ears of all of the other customers."

Crickets chirped as Ballsout looked around at no one in the store.  Ballsout then took a deep breath and continued.  "O.K. what do you have that I can buy, so that you will let me in to see Darth Vader?"

"Gundark Intestines on a stick."

"Your f*#king with me right."

"Alright sir, i'm sorry, but I can't serve you now.  We have a two swear rule here at the Death Star Macdonalds."

Ballsout was about to reach across the counter and strangle this little f*#k when Darth Vader stuck his head out of the door behind Mitchell the luckiest f*#ker on the Death Star.  "Mitchell, why haven't you let this officer in?"

"No paperwork and he broke our two swear rule."

"Good job Mitchell, now give my guests some f*#king Wookie fries and send them in for f*#king f*#ks sake."  then Vader went back into the party.

"You may pass and here are your Wookie fries."

"Give them to the fat guy if he comes out of the bathroom."  Then Ballsout led Gin into the party.  there were kids everywhere and Grand Moff Tarkin was giving one of them a horsey ride while being hit with a dozen balloon swords.  Vader finished doing his impression of Woody Allen, zipped up his pants and then approached Ballsout.  "Nice taste in assistants, Ballsout."

"Keep it in your pants Sith boy."

"Alright, I guess I deserve that one.  I'm sorry about that switcheroo i did to you in our last adventure, but it was for five thousand hot chicks."

"That's ok one of them followed me and we got married and had heaps of kids."

"So your not a virgin anymore?"

"Nup."

"..........Oh........................I'm strangely attracted to you at the moment."

"It's his big nuts."  Gin said.

"Alright, alright, could we all stop talking about my nuts and lets get down to business, because I have this feeling that something really f*#ked up is about to happen."  Ballsout said sternly.

"Nice tough boy voice Ballsout.  O.K. here's the deal.  I have a top secret mission for the two of you.  This Death Star is battery powered; mind you it is a big f*#king battery, but a battery none the less.  The thing is that I just got this feeling that this old Jedi dude is here and i have to go and cut him down and I can't go and change the battery.  So, I need someone to go and do it for me."

"A battery?"

"Yeah, I know we should have some other more modernised way of powering this thing, but remember that this is set 'A long time ago......'."

Ballsout hesitated and then Vader put his hands in a praying position.  "Pleeeeeeeeeease."

"Why don't you get a flunky to do this?"

"You are a flunky."

"...............................................................................I walked right into that didn't I."

"Like a fat kid walking into a fat kid loves cake joke."

So Ballsout and Gin were given the directions and a small spaceship that was designed to carry the battery into the Death Star's core.  Darth Vader then led all of the children to the space shuttle to take them off the battle station (What?  did you really think I was going to let some kids get the f*#k blown up.  No f*#king way) and then went to find Obi Wan Kenobi.

"So Ballsout,"  Gin spoke softly.  "We'll be in this ship for a little while, how about we get a little funky."

"I'm sorry Gin, i'm married and if anything, this adventure has shown me just how stupid I have been and when this is over, I'm going back to Tatooine, no matter how much I hate sand in my crack and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Sleazy Starcrapper and my kids Yip, Yup, Yop, Yap, Yep, Jock, Jack, Jick, Jeck and Pimp."

"Why Pimp?"

"Well, he seems to love hanging his arm out of the Landspeeder, he wears a lot of velvet, and a lot of women just show up and give him money and then leave.  Plus he has a facebook page called - 'Pimps' B!tch#s'.  We're proud of him no matter what."

"Alright, well why don't we just fly off in this ship and go back there?  If we don't change the battery and we just p!ss off then maybe this Death Star will shut down or blow up or something."

Ballsout thought it to be a great idea and so they turned around and headed for the tunnel to take them out.  (Now that this decision was made and you know that Luke is probably just about to scream 'NO' as Vader cuts Obi down, then you will know that it is still quite a while before the Death Star is meant to blow up, so we are just going to pretend that it is now closer to Luke skimming down the long trench about to shoot a laser into a little hole that is supposed to blow up this massive f*#king battle station.

"There's the opening.  We're going to make it."  Gin said gleefully and then she jumped up and down.

Ballsout finally stopped staring at Gin's bouncing breasts and punched it hard (I mean the ship's accelerator, not his penis) and the ship shot quickly for the opening.  there was an explosion behind them and they realised that the lack of power had caused a chain reaction and the Death Star was about to explode.

Then Luke shot his laser that went into the hole but then hit a heard of elephants from the Death Star zoo that were on there way to the humping room and fizzled out.

Ballsout blasted out of the Death Star and they shot away just in time for the Death Star to explode and kill everyone.  Except of course, Darth Vader who's Tie Fighter was spinning off into space.  

"We did it."  Gin jumped up and down again with glee.

Ballsout stopped staring at Gin's cleavage when they stopped jiggling on their own, which was about two minutes and twenty seconds later.  "Let's go home, I really want to see my wife."

"We destroyed the Death Star; that's so cool."  Gin was giddy with joy and decided to have a sleep.  Ballsout thought about jumping her but quickly remembered how much he loved his wife and wanted to be in her arms as soon as possible.

They arrived back on Tatooine and Sleazy ran out to greet him and gave him a big kiss.

Ballsout then explained the adventure to his wife and all she had to say was.  "Oh Ballsout, I don't mind if you have sex with Gin; she's fricken hot; actually, Bigamy is not even a word on Tatooine, maybe you could marry her too!!!!!"

Ballsout fainted and woke up some time later after Gin and Sleazy dragged him and his large nuts into the bedroom.

So readers as the Death Star is destroyed and Ballsout has now defied the laws of his usual sexless life, you may think that this story is over, well, f*#k no; in fact it is just getting started.....

Episode 5 - A long time ago, before Firefly.................Nut Wars............................. The Empire was pissed off at the Rebellion and the Rebels were hiding on Hoth, which actually turned out to be the same place that Ballsout Starcrapper decided to take his two wives on their third anniversary as a bigamous relationship.  The Hotel that they chose was sadly just next door to the Rebels hideout and the noise was neverf*#king ending.  Tauntaun's rooting under the window,  Snowspeeders doing flyby's to try to catch a peep at Ballsouts two hot wives, Wampa's leaving great big dirty turds on the verandah and Rebels making out in the roof spa and sauna on their lunch breaks.

"Perhaps we should find another place to vacation girls."  Ballsout said as he massaged his sore testicles, from all of the s#x (which in fact were a lot smaller, but still sizeable compared to yours and my nuts..........well.......my nuts anyway)

"We've already paid for this vacation Ballsout and nothing is going to ruin it for us.  Let's have some more s#x."  Sleazy asked.

"Well, i'm actually in need of some sleep, I'm a little worn out from all of the f*#king."

"Suit yourself Ballsout, we don't need you."  Gin said while undressing Sleazy with her eyes.

"..........................................................................hmmm.............................. ...................................um.......................................................................... ...............ah f*#k it, let's have more s#x."  Ballsout was still very sore, but hey, he had two f*#king hot wives and he can sleep when he's dead.

Meanwhile, as you are all aware the Empire find the Rebels and start bombarding the base and At At's shake the Earth.  Ballsout gets mightily pissed and decides that it is time that they either get involved or go home.  "I'm sorry girls, but we have to go, i'm afraid that those stupid Imperials are going to blow us up by mistake."  Then just as he said it, a blast destroyed their ship. "You C**ts."  Ballsout yelled out over the verandah at the At At that shot their ship.  Then the At At seemed to look at him with a hurt look on its face???  Then it took aim and was about to fire when Ballsout realised that he still had the lightsaber that Vader gave him a long time ago so he whipped it out, but remembered also that he was naked and his balls were swinging in the breeze; he had to be careful not to cut one off.  The At At fired and he caught the shot with his saber and it threw him across the room, but it bounced back toward the At At and destroyed it.  After that as you know, Dak died, Luke crashed, Han and the others got away and a lot of rebels were seriously f*#ked in the @ss by the Empire.  After that though and before Vader went back up to his Super Star Destroyer to chase Han and Leia, he was standing outside of the entry to the rebels base watching a YT1300 light freighter breach the outer atmosphere, when he noticed his old friend Ballsout up on the verandah of the hotel next door with his nuts out.  Vader went to say hello.

"Ballsout, I haven't seen you around for a while; I thought you died on the Death Star."

"That's funny, I thought the same thing about you."

"Who are these lovely ladies with you?"

"F*#k off Vader, these are my wives."

"Well f*#k me gently with a breadknife; you old dog you."  Vader then lent in to Ballsouts ear.  "Want a foursome?"

Ballsout then smacked Vader in the face with a Nut.  "I said it before and i'll say it again.  F*#k off."

"Fine, Fine I know i've been a bad friend to you in the past and I understand why you're still pissed off, but I have a job for you."

"No."

"But..."

"No.  Your jobs always end in me getting the shaft and not in a good way.  Plus, you've never paid me once you cheap prick."

all the while Gin and Sleazy were making out on the bed.  (they didn't have to but it seems like the sort of thing they would be doing, so I had to add it in)

"I promise I'll pay you this time, and if your wives come along I'll pay them as well."

"Come is not a form of currency you slut."

"Alright, fine, i'll pay them credits."

Ballsout looked over at his hot wives making out and then turned back to Vader.  "What's the job?  I wouldn't usually ask, but i'm going to need a lot of blue pills in the very near future and that stuff gets expensive."

"I need you to go to Bespin and win me some money.  I know that you're a pretty good Sabaac player and there is a big game on.  You see, with all of the blown up Tie Fighters, destroyed At At's, blasted Stormtroopers, refried beans and not to mention the f*#king Death Star, we are in a bit of hock to the Hutts and even Black Sun have donated a few fembots.  I need 6 Trillion credits quick smart and I know that you are the man for the job."

Ballsout thought about it and then nodded his head.  "I knew that my Imperial Super was not worth the f*#king paper it's typed on.  Alright, we'll do it!"

After that Vader took one more look at Ballsout's hot wives making out and then spun around dramatically with his cape blowing in the breeze and stormed off.

"Girls, we've got an all expenses paid gambling vacation to Bespin, courtesy of the Empire to get to."

"Woohoo."  Sleazy and Gin both called out and they packed their bags, strapped up Ballsouts nuts and headed to the hotel's docking bay to where they picked up the ship that Vader organised for them.  on the side of the ship it had written in big bold italics 'The Vader Shack'.  Inside it was wallpapered in velour's and disco balls were strung up throughout the ship.

"Gee that Vader is a real swinger Ballsy."  Gin said.  "Why didn't he want to have a foursome?"

"Um,"  Ballsout said while trying to think of something.  "Um, he's into Cleveland Steamers."

"Ooh, yuk."  Sleazy said.  "I'm Sleazy, but not quite that sleazy."

And so off they went to the Tibana Gas Mining Colony on Bespin and headed straight for Cloud City.

As they landed and exited the ship Ballsout let his two hot sexy wives, who just so happened to be dressed in the slinkiest black dresses in the Galaxy in on a few handy tips about Cloud City.  "Now girls, just remember that if you see an Ugnaught drop some coins at your feet and go down to pick them up then they are most likely going to try to look up your dress; secondly, there is a swooner here named Lando Calrissian, now he's pretty cool and we'll probably be playing Sabaac up against him, but he has an android named Lobot, a bald freaky looking MoFu who likes to stick his head between beautiful womens breasts, shake his face back and forward and say 'abloobablahblooblooblubbaboolablublubeboob'.  I used to think it was funny, but now that i'm married to the most likely candidates for such an incident, i just want you on the look out."

"And the third thing?"  Sleazy asked.

"Did i say there would be a third thing?"

"No, but I just assumed that there would be at least three things since you said a few things otherwise you would have said a couple of things."

"Oh, well i didn't have anything else, but come to think of it, Tibana Gas Gundark Farts and you don't mine it you just stand behind a Gundark with a bottle and a lid.  It's a really sh!tty job, but somebody has to do it."

The Starcrappers then checked in and freshened up before hitting the gambling tables and when i say 'freshened up' i mean they had lots of sex.  "I love my life!!!!!!!!!"  Ballsout said while getting dressed again into his gambling outfit.  it consisted of his lucky jeans, his lucky boots, his lucky wide brimmed hat and his lucky shirt that has a picture of a Beer on it and underneath the beer it says, 'BEER - Its going to save the Galaxy; I don't know how, but it will!'

"Let's do it!"

Two hours later Ballsout and his wives were still having sex because when he said 'Let's do it' his wives thought he wanted to have sex.  "O.K. now lets blow..............um..........I kinda mean let's keep having sex, but we really should get going."

One hour after that the three of them were at the tables playing a high stakes game of Sabaac with Dreg Prikless (the Trandoshan), Holly Hunter (Human from Earth) & Lando Calrissian (human, born in space).

"So Holly,"  Lando said with a level of charisma that only he could accomplish.  "This Earth, are all of the women as complicated and enticing as yourself?"

Holly Hunter leaned forward after putting one of her cards in the interference field.  "I'm already going to let you complicate and entice me later Mr Calrissian, there's no need for the small talk."

Lando's eyebrows raised and so did his p#n!s!!!!!

"Sabaac!"  Ballsout had a clean 23 and another hundred thousand credits was his.

"Good job baby."  Sleazy said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  

"Yeah B, nice job."  And Gin gave him a kiss on the other cheek.

"You know ladies, I've got four cheeks over here for the kissing and there all buffed and ready."  Lando said in hope.

"Aargh."  Said the Trandoshan, Dreg Prikless.  "I am sick of this s#x banter.  I ate my wife and came to play Sabaac to try to forget women and all you can talk about are big hard Wampa p#n!ses."

Everyone looked at the mentally disturbed scaly dude and wasn't quite sure whether he was in the same discussion.

Dreg then took his mobile phone receiver out of his ear and put it away and noticed everyone looking at him.  "..................(awkward silence).........................What?"

everyone returned to the game and it went like this: Holly Hunter won one round but then got distracted that she only agreed to be in this story because she hadn't been in a decent movie for a long time and was a bit desperate for the attention and then she swilled a bottle of Jurri Juice and passed out / Drek almost won a round but got interrupted again by his lawyer about something to do with a restraining order put on him by Sally Struthers.  Apparently she is concerned that Drek was considering eating her since she eats whole Koala Bears and grazes in the open plains of Africa and is considered a delicacy on Trandosha/ Lando won seventeen hands but then gave it all to Gin and Sleazy to watch them pour Corellian Whiskey over their breasts / Ballsout won everything else.  The credits raised that evening amounted to 6, 798549445699.  (Yes, it is unrealistic that he won almost 7 Trillion credits in one game of Sabaac, but let's just get a little technical about for a second and say STOP JUDGING MY STORY F*#KERS!!!)

"Oh well kid,"  Lando said with more charisma then anyone in the Galaxy could possibly muster.  "It looks like this little mining operation is bankrupt thanks to you and every investor who put money in the bank of Bespin."

"Sorry about that Lando."  Ballsout responded.

Lando laughed aloud.  "Don't sweat it, The Empire just arrived to find some dude so i'm going to roll out the red carpet and hope to christ that their going to take over this place."

"Is Darth Vader here?"

"Yup!  Why do you ask?"

"Oh no reason, but I would rather hide from him for now.  do you have a safe place to do that?  I just want to stash a bit of this money before i hand it over to him."

"Are you telling me that Vader commissioned you to beat us?"

"Um......yeah."  Ballsout was now worried as to what Lando would say.

"Nice.  You really are a smooth Mother F*#ker and i have the perfect place for you.  Lobot will take you."  Just then Lobot came out of nowhere and jammed his big bald head into Sleazy's cleavage and started blubbering.  "Lobot," Lando yelled.  "Lobot, stop that you untrained mutt."  Lobot obeyed and eyed Gin's cleavage.

Gin stared him down.  "If you try that on me wax head, you'll be wearing that head collar as a butt plug."

Lobot smiled and then as if he could read Lando's mind he led them away.  Ballsout did not know where they were going, but he wanted to just keep a couple of million but with Vader here, he would have to avoid him and get off this city with his wives unnoticed.

Lobot lead them to a room in the lower levels of the city with a lot of old machinery in it.  Lobot left without saying a word but before he closed the door he farted into the room and giggled.

"Yeah........that guys a f*#ked up weird little dude."

the girls started looking around for a place to sit (or possibly lie down).  "Hey honey."  Gin said as she uncovered a piece of machinery.  "This looks interesting.  I think it's a s#x machine."

Sleazy's ears pricked up and Ballsout's balls started to tingle.  "Sweet!"

Ballsout looked it over and had no idea what the f*#k it was.  It had three seats all positioned in different places, with two facing each other and the other facing off in a side direction.  each seat had handles that were either in front of or behind the seat and every seat seemed to be on a slide.  "If this isn't a s#x machine then it just has to be a f*#king time machine."  Ballsout said jokingly.

"Ooh let's give it a go!!!!"  Gin said with her dress already lifted and her panties down.

"I don't know girls, i don't want to sit on that thing if Lando's been using it, or even worse, if Lando's been using it with Lobot and Holly Hunter (Now folks, I know that for some reason I have mentioned Holly Hunter in this story, but in no way do I disrespect her.  I actually think of Ms Hunter as a f*#king brilliant actor, I mean, she is Mrs Incredible, but folks, let's admit, that Piano movie was a bit of weird f*#king business, don't you think)

"Come on darling, i'm sure they wiped!"

Ballsout thought about it and any man would be crazy to knock back these two stunning women anywhere, anytime and on anything.

the three of them got into what they thought was the correct position and Ballsout found a big red button and some writing below it.  I think it's Bocci, does anyone speak Bocci?"

"No honey, only gay protocol droids can speak Bocci."  Gin confirmed and then she and Sleazy pushed the button together and away they went.

Now this is not a porno, so I am not going to tell you the sordid details of what went where and who stuck who in whatever the hell, but I will say that as the machine got going, lights started flashing all over.  the machine got faster and faster and finally a climax occured and i don't mean s#xually.  The machine disappeared from Cloud City just as Lobot came back into the room with a chicken on his head and a large piece of Broccoli sticking out of his now naked @ss???????  I'm not going to elaborate but if you know why he did this then please keep it to yourself.

To their shock and amazement, Ballsout was correct.  The machine was a time machine..................and yes it was a sex machine as well.  apparently Bocci writing said, Bocci Baby maker, press button if you make a mistake and start all over again; but this machine was not set for ten minutes earlier, it was set for about twenty years earlier.  (for all of the Star Wars buffs who may one day read this, you are correct in saying that I have not calculated the time between Empire Strikes Back and a time approx. ten years prior to Phantom Menace but it's late and I am trying to finish this long winded f*#king story so just back off nerd)

Oh and it also transported you to different planets; like a Tardis.

"Wow!"  Gin screamed with satisfaction.  "That was f*#king amazing."

Sleazy just sat there, silent with a large grin on her face for about five minutes and then "Oooh."  And a shiver went up her spine.

Ballsout looked around and it was blatantly obvious that they were in a dessert on a far away planet.  (Yes it's Tatooine again, I know that Star Wars always seems to end back there but just deal with it; trust me)  The girls put their underwear back on and suddenly a gust of wind blew their dresses off to reveal their gold, metal bikini's  (See, I told you to trust me)

Ballsout stood up to get off of the machine but his massive nuts got caught between two shafts.  Ballsout a sudden desire to drink Perrier.  Then his nuts slipped out and he was thrown from the machine and the only f*#king rock in the entire desert (& yes i know i spelt desert with two S's before, but I really can't be f*#ked going back and fixing it, plus, it is possible that they are on a dessert?!  Think about it!  Anyway, Ballsout fell and hit his head on the only f*#king rock in the desert and was knocked out.

Gin and Sleazy ran to his aid and did what they had to do to keep him warm and to keep his blood pumping.  

After s#x they dragged his body over a dune and realised that they were on the outskirts of a city.  "That's Mos Espa."  Gin said confidently.

"How do you know that?"  Sleazy asked.

"When you've paid your way to the middle with your good looks, you meet a lot of people and you travel to a lot of places.  Plus my Godmother lives here in our time.  Her name is Babooshka; obviously she is not here now if we have gone back in time, but she always spoke of a lady named Shmi Skywalker.  She's a horny little b!tch, but she was apparently very lovely."

"Cool, do you think she'll help us?"

"I think she'll try to hump us, but yes, she will help us."

So off they went and yes Shmi did help them.  She gave Ballsout a room to rest in and put on some food and did her clothes washing in the nude hoping that Sleazy and Gin would make a move but when they didn't she just redressed and sat down for a chat.

"So you say your from the future and you came, literally through time to Tatooine?"

"Yup!  I think Ballsout j!zzed all over the Clone Wars."

"That's interesting, would you ladies like to have a look around the town.  I can escort you to all of the finest sights."

Gin and Sleazy thought about it, but were worried to leave Ballsout alone.  Shmi noticed their concern.  "He'll be fine, there's nobody here and nobody ever visits.....ever!"  Shmi looked over at her 'Days Celibate' Calendar and sighed.

Gin and Sleazy agreed and a lovely afternoon was had by all, that was of course until Shmi gave them the slip.  The girls immediately ran back to Shmi's place and banged on the door.  "Let us in."

They heard fumbling inside and a painful moan and then the door swung opened suddenly.  Shmi's hair was all a tizz and she had a smile on her face that just could not be tamed.  "What did you do?"  Gin asked.

"Nothing, when I lost you, I thought I would just come back here and look in on your friend."

"Is he alright?"  Sleazy asked.

"Oh yes, he's perfect."

Ballsout then moaned and started to wake.  Gin and Sleazy ran to his side and helped him to sit up.  "How do you feel?"

Ballsout had to think about it for a moment.  "Um........strangely relieved."

Gin and Sleazy knew what that meant.  They turned to face Shmi and she just shrugged.  "Sorry girls, couldn't help myself."  Then she happily and proudly went over to her calendar and put a big tick next to yesterdays cross.

"You slut."  Sleazy said aloud.

"I may be a slut, but you both get to take him home."  Then Shmi undressed and went back to her ironing.

Gin and Sleazy helped Ballsout up and out of the home of Shmi Skywalker, but not before Gin got to say one last thing.  "Make sure you don't mistake those things for tissue filled socks.

on the way back to the s#x/time machine the girls explained what happened to Ballsout and then they hopped on board.  "How do we know that we'll go back to where we came from."  Ballsout asked.

"Well, if we f*#k backwards, then maybe it will work."

So they did and they did and back they went.

Lobot was not there but two cracked eggs, some feathers and a sprig of broccoli stained the floor.

"You girls go to the ship and take this two million credits and i'll go and find Vader and give him the rest."

"Alright darling, but be careful," Sleazy and Gin said in unison.  "We've got a bad feeling about this!!!"

Ballsout kissed his wives and headed off to find Vader.  He looked everywhere, in the Ugnaughts games room, but only found a bunch of Ugnaughts wrestling in a pool of mud, he tried the Carbon Freezing chamber but only found a large frozen Holly Hunter with a sign on it that said 'defrost only in emergency's' and then he tried the big pointless walkway out into the middle of the heart of the city.  Vader was there and he was talking to a dude who had only one hand and a bad haircut.  Ballsout had seen this dudes photo on the intergalacticnet.  It was Luke Skywalker!  and then Ballsout remembered what had happened with the woman named Shmi Skywalker.  "F*#k,"  Ballsout said.  "That's my grandson."  Ballsout then realised that Vader was about to kill him.  Ballsout ran toward them but stopped dead short when he heard the words that Vader was saying.  

"Luke, I am your Father."  Then the kid whinged and jumped off.  Ballsout was now even more confused.  If Vader is that kids father then i'm his father.

Ballsout then walked up behind Vader.  "Hey I've got your credits."

Vader turned around and somehow it seemed like he had red eyes.

"Were you crying Vader?"

"No! I was just cutting onions before and I..."

"No Vader, I heard you and I have something to tell you.  I just went back in time and a woman named Shmi Skywalker raped me in my sleep."

"No!"  Vader said in a pained voice and started shimmying out onto the antennae that Luke was just on.  "No!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true......Vader....I am your Father!!!!!"

"No....that's not true,"  Vaders voice somehow became more high pitched and annoying.  "That's impossible, plus my nuts aren't huge!"

"Well actually, it's improbable, but definitely not impossible, you see there was this s#x/time machine and.."

Vader then jumped off the antennae.

Ballsout then looked down at the bag of credits that he was going to give Vader.  He looked around to see if anyone else was watching and when he felt comfortable that no one was, he picked up the bag.  "Oh well, I was a Father and a Grandfather for a minute.  I think I might go and drown my sorrows in whatever the f*#k I want and a whole lot of s#x with my two hot wives.  

Ballsout reached the ship and the three adventurers blasted off into what seemed like a very bright future.

But, just before they left the atmosphere Ballsout heard a voice in his head.  'Ballsout, Ballsout, help me Ballsout!' So................he got his balls out.

"So, Ms Tittiane Heiny, what do you think of the story so far?"

"I think it's fantastic Mr Force."

"Please call me Enrique and hand me that bucket."  She did and then Enrique stood up in his full body Darth Vader costume and put on his helmet.

"Um, yes, I did mean to ask you why you were dressed as Darth Vader today."

"It's a sand castle building competition for ex writers.  And this year, i'll be f*#ked if that [email protected]@rd Stephen King is going to take home the prize again."

"Can I be of assistance Enrique?"  And then Ms Heiny took off her coat to reveal a sexy gold metal bikini.

Enrique Force looked down at his crotch and felt a strange tingle.  "Ms Heiny, I think you already have!!!!!!!!!"

The cross adventures of Enrique Force and Ballsout Starcrapper will conclude in NUTWARS Episode 6 - Nuts, Nuts & more Nuts