Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.........

A long time ago, but not longer then the last story, but still a while ago; and when i say a long time, i'm not really talking about years or centuries as is possibly implied by the opening of Star Wars, but i mean like maybe two months ago or maybe three months is closer to something that constitutes as a long time ago.  anyway, along time ago (approx. three months).................. Ballsout Starcrapper was assigned to a new mission by the real Lord Darth Vader.  for those of you who do not know the story that precedes this one then go back a few stories until you see a picture of Vader flying across the room on a cat and read it; we'll wait ..................................................................... ...................................................................................................................... ......................are you finished yet? .................................................................... ....................................................................oh for f*#k sake, will you hurry up, a sh!t load of bloggers are sipping their hot chilli chocolate and eating an iced vovo waiting for you to catch up.............................so f*#king catch up..............oh, you're done, remind me to invite you around the next time i temporarily blind myself and i need someone to read the instructions on the condom packet to me really slowly so i don't make a mistake.......sorry, that was a bit rude of me to assume that you read so slow that turtles could masturbate quicker and still have time to beat the hare (and in no way is 'beating the hare' sexual inyourendo); i really have to work on my patience and capacity to let little things go, and i don't mean the little people in my basement, their not going anywhere!!!!!!!!!

alright, back to the story.....oh f*#k, i forgot what i was going to write.  hang on while i just go back and read it again..........................................ooooohhh.................... .............ooh, i don't think i should write that.....................................alright, f*#k it, let's just move forward; no regrets!  So, Ballsout Starcrapper was piloting his replica custom Tie Fighter, just like Vaders, while he was wearing the Vader suite and he was heading for the planet Woop Woop.  It was a fascinating planet full of birds and no i don't mean chicks, i mean, i don't mean women, i mean birds!!!!!  the kind of animals that fly around and tweet and sh!t.  So on this planet was another super mega shopping complex opening up and this time Vader got the files correct and sent Ballsout to the right place.  Little did Ballsout know though, that just before he arrived a bunch of space pirates took over the planet and jailed all of the birds with the help of Spitchy, the really, really bad MoFu of a bird who just wanted to rule Woop Woop.  Humans lived on Woop Woop as well and (hang on a sec; intermission!  Don't you just love saying Woop Woop.........Woop Woop, that's fricken sweet.  Another name that i love a lot is Boutros Boutros Ghali!  That Kooky egyptian sounds just like a type of fruit.  Just picture it!  'Darl, could you pick up some apples, a bunch of bananas and some Boutros Boutros Ghali's and don't come home without the Boutros Boutros Ghali's because i have to have something to dip in my custard' (oh and once again, that was not sexual inyourendo)

So Spitchy helps the pirates so he can take over Woop Woop and the only humans on Woop Woop though are helpless maidens (hot ones too)  They are all scared and are not sure who they can turn to.

Enter; Ballsout Starcrapper!!!!!

Ballsout lands the Tie Fighter awkwardly and drops out of the hatch since he landed upside down.  He landed on a bed of roses and got a thorn in his ass.  it was pretty big and he had trouble pulling it out so he decided to go and get some help.

firstly, he came up against a hot pirate who was surprised to see Darth Vader.  Of course, Ballsout did not know this lady was a pirate (a hot one at that) and before he asked for directions to the mega super shopping mall he said "Hi ma'am, would you be able to help me pull something out of my @ss that came out of a bush.  It's really wedged in there and i just can't seem to get a good handle on it.  I think my @ss is getting infected and you may even have to do some sucking to make sure that the job is done correctly."

the pirate just stood there with a dumb struck look on her face and wasn't sure if she should try to shoot Darth Vader or give him a blow job; it was a conundrum!

the pirate pulled her gun out.  "Um, put your hands up.  I am a member of the Nutcracker pirates and we are here to rule the planet and benefit from all of the fair maidens and the pretty birds."

Ballsout had no idea what the f*#k was going on, but with his luck, it was something that caused for some nut slapping action.  "Oh, so your not my guide?  Anyway, i don't really care about your cause, i just need someone to pull this thorn out of my @ss.  it is really hurting." then Ballsout bent over and showed the pirate his sore @ss.  "I fell in a rose bush!"

with a sudden and relieving realisation that Vader wasn't a perverted deviate, the pirate edged closer to him and reached out to pull the thorn out.  she grabbed it and pulled.  "EEEEE, AAAAAH, OOOOOOH!"  Ballsout said as it slided out of his @ss.  and then without hesitation and as soon as the thorn was out, he popped open his massive cod piece and his nuts fell out.  he spun around and knocked the gun from the pirates hands while his hands were in the air.  Ballsout picked it up and pointed it at the pirate, who was now not really giving a sh!t that she was unarmed.  she had her mouth open and her eyebrows raised.  "Wow.  You look a little backed up there, perhaps i can give you a hand."

Ballsout knew that this was not the time to get laid for the first time, but oh damn did he want to.  "How about tie you up and leave you here out of the way and when i stop your Nutcracker friends i'll come back and we can go somewhere really nice."

the pirate just nodded as she smiled and kept staring at his nuts.  "My name is Sleazy McSlip.  Oh and if you want to stop the pirates you will need to rescue the birds and give them back their super seeds that make them stronger then a Gundark.  That's why my boss Brian (What?  Not all characters can have names like Ballsout or Hairynut, besides, his last name is Van Damme and that's bad enough i feel) is here.  he thinks that he can harness the super seeds and that traiter Splitchy is in on it."

"All i want to do is cut a f*#king ribbon, is that to much to ask?"

"Was that rhetorical?"  Sleazy McSlip asked.

"Was that rhetorical?" Ballsout responded.

the both of them thought for a second and then Sleazy's attention went back to Ballsout's Balls out.  "You don't have to tie me up.  I'll come with you and help."

"Allright, i suppose i can trust you, since you do seem like a massive slut."

"Hey, i'm not massive at all, i'm quite petite actually.........but i am a slut!"

and off they went toward the Queen of the maidens tower, where the maidens and the birds were all being kept captive.  Sleazy helped Ballout slip in the back door (once again...!NOT sexual inyourendo) The gaurds were all relaxed because they didn't think that anyone would go up against the all powerful Brian, so they were all peeping through the maidens windows.  Actually, Sleazy and Ballsout just walked straight through the castle unchallenged by anyone, that is of course until they came to the top of the tower, where the seed was being held above the birds cage.  it was a long hard climb, but Ballsout had to do it.  He tucked his nuts back in and started climbing.

"I'll be waiting here."  Sleazy said as she looked for Splitchy or Brian.

Ballsout was getting further and further up the tower and closer to the super seed, when all of the birds saw him and got all excited and started tweeting.  "Shut the f*#k up birds, he's trying to save you."  Sleazy said, but they just kept tweeting away.  Sleazy didn't know what to do so she started doing a striptease.  the birds slowly started to stop tweeting and then they watched as the hot pirate got naked (yes i realise that birds staring at human women getting naked is a bit weird, but i just couldn't think of anything more appropriate to write, so stop judging me will you please) the birds were quiet for a minute and then started wolf whistling even louder.

"Oh you f*#king stupid birds, we should let you all get cooked up for stew."

And then out of nowhere, Splitchy flew toward Ballsout screeching.  Ballsout got out his lightsabre as he tried to hold onto the wall of the tower and he swung at the traitor.  "F*#k you b!tch."  Ballsout yelled and swiped at the bird.  it darted away and did not wish to attack again without some protection.  Splitchy then flew up to the birdseed and ate some super seed.  then Splitchy flew down and landed on Ballsouts saber and shit on it.  "SIZZLE!"  The smell of burning bird crap was offensive, but Ballsout got over it and then retracted the blade quickly and then reactivated it.  Splitchy had fallen and then when the blade reactivated it went up the birds @ss.  The screech now was deafening and obviously Splitchy was now well and truly @ss f*#ked (Yes that wasn't sexual inyourendo, but it was sexual and once again i'm sorry that this s#xual situation was between a man and a bird.)  Splitchy then fell to his death.  Ballsout then went to slash at the cage but got hit by a spray of lightning and dropped his lightsaber.  "Oh f*#k that."  Ballsout cried out as he hung by one hand and looked out at a ledge where a pirate, obviously Brian was standing with a cloak over his head, blocking his face.  "So, you have come to defeat me Lord Vader."

"Is that rhetorical?"  Ballsout asked.

"Ummm, don't know!  But very soon you will be rhetorical Vader."

Ballsout looked at this idiot with a confused look that of course no one could see because he had a mask on, but just assume he was looking confused for the stories sake.  "Do you even know what rhetorical means!"

"Yes, it means 'one who puts inanimate objects up one's own @ss'."

"WTF?"  Ballsout wasn't sure if he should laugh, explain the meaning or try to escape, but instead he decided to attack this cretin.  So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, i think you all know what Ballsout did next.  Yep, that's right, he got his ballsout.  the codpiece popped and out they sprung.  Across the abyss below and straight toward Brian.  just at the last minute, Brian pulled out a large hammer and whacked Ballsouts nuts really hard.  "Aah F*#K."  Ballsout called out.

"Well, we're not called the Nutcrackers for nothing kid."

Then Brian jumped a might jump across to the bird feeder and hung on opposite Ballsout.  "You will never win Vader.  I will be your doom."

"Suck my nut!"  was all Ballsout said as he swung one of his nuts up into Brians face and the other one down on his head.  Brian was dazed and confused but he managed to overcome the feeling of nut envy and raised his might hammer.  "I will now crush you."  Ballsout then did the only thing left to do. he dropped off.  he fell hard and fast and then.........he bounced on his nuts and flew straight back up toward Brian.  "Just call me the Nutcracker Cracker Brian.  Brian couldn't believe he was about to be punished.  He suddenly had his life flash into his head.  (baths with his Aunty June when he was twelve; throwing his neighbours cat off of the roof of their fifty storey building and running down to see if A) if he could beat it and B) if it landed on its feet; starting the Nutcrackers and buying a ship; being ravaged in jail that one time by the Wardens unfortunate daughter; And buying a holiday on Alderaan two weeks before it blew up.)  "It's just not fair!"  Brian said as Ballsouts Balls smashed into his head and stomach and sent him flying off of the bird feeder and to his death.

Splitchy and Brian lay dead on the floor together and Woop Woop was saved.  the birds were set free and got some super seed to round up all of the other pirates, except for Sleazy of course and then the maidens wanted to reward Ballsout for his bravery.  It was S#X time for Ballsout with five thousand maidens!!!!!Yah!!!!!!

Ballsout decided he would just go and wash up first.  he went into the toilet and looked in the mirror and decided that his helmet must have been malfunctioning, because he saw two Vaders.  then all went black!!!!!

When Ballsout woke up he was back in his Tie Fighter and his ship was set on a course for Coruscant.  an automated hologram recording activated.  "Hi Ballsout, it's Vader here.  Thanks for taking down that nasty Brian guy, I thought you could do it.  Anyway, I don't need you anymore because the Emperor has hired a Hand, An Emperors Hand to help around a bit; i'm not sure what a Hand does, but apparently its a hot chick and i'd rather have her around then you.  So, your pay will be at the office and then you can f*#k off.  Oh and by the way, thanks for leaving me with so many grateful women."

Vader disappeared and Ballsout was alone and very horny.  "That [email protected]@rd, when am i ever going to catch a break?"

"Was that a rhetorical question?"  A familiar voice said from the baggage compartment behind the seat.

"Sleazy?"

the door opened and Sleazy McSlut popped her head out.  "How you doing hero."

"But how did you get here and how did you know that i wasn't the real Lord Vader."

"Well, when you came back from the toilet i noticed that your cod piece was way too small, so i added it up and decided to follow the dude that Vader hired to get you back to the ship and send you off planet so that he could keep all of the maidens for himself."

"Wow, i'm so happy that you gave up the Lord of the Sith for me."

"I look at it this way, he's just one guy with one shot for five thousand girls.  You most likely have five thousand shots for one girl.  And i reckon that might do us for the rest of our lives."

"Are you proposing?"

"How about we stop talking now and get down to what you've been waiting all of your life for."

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm not about to give you a play by play on how hot Sleazy is and what she specifically does to Ballsout, but let's just say that after six weeks of consistent s#x, Ballsout was about ten sizes smaller in the cod piece, and Sleazy McSlut was now Sleazy Starcrapper and was probably pregnant with about ten kids.

The Force is definitely strong with Ballsout Starcrappers nuts.

The End!!!!!!

Enrique Force then sat back at his writing desk and sighed.  "Wow!  What will I write about now that Ballsout is married with kids?"

The phone then rang.  "Ola."

"Hi Enrique, it's Captain Mal, I was just wondering, after this next Ballsout story, could you write just one more?"

"Hmmmmm!!!!!  Sure thing!!!!!!!  I've got just the thing!!!!!"

Ballsout Starcrapper will return once more in - NUTWARS Episode 4,5 & 6 - (yet to be named but will probably have the word NUT in it)