Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said..............

This is a casting call for anyone interested in being a part of the new Mad Max movie that will be titled, 'Mad Max - The Beaver Oasis' - It will be set twenty years after MM3 and will see the dwindled sanity of Max who has befriended a wise cracking beaver named Muffy Diver (Yes, I said Muffy Diver, I would be more discrete but seriously, why the f*#k should I be discrete?  Mel has a beaver on his hand and you think i'm not going to just wail all over it and create a very intensely focused story about Mel Gibson and a bunch of beaver, anyway back to the redundant but hopefully thought provoking tale).  So, Max and Muffy are climbing a cliff?? I don't know why, I just thought it would be a good opening to a movie, I Know that Stallone has already done it and so has that Scientologist guy, but you haven't lived until you've seen Mad Max scaling giant peaks while strapped to a beaver.  Max gets to the top and Muffy says.  "Wow Max, that's the most i've sweat since my stint in prison as a combination toilet brush and back scrubber."

"You were in prison!"  Max mumbles almost incoherently.  "What for?"

"I gave a policemen a blowjob."

"That's not a crime."

"She was asleep at the time and i woke up her husband.  I think she wanted me to finish but since her husband was there she just slipped her number in my pocket (He was wearing a pair of plaid golf pants at the time) and then arrested me."

The plain that they were on now seemed to go forever.  Their water was depleting and so was any hope.  Max however, did not seem to care whether he lived or died, but Muffy was scared.  Muffy wanted to see his harem again and he needed Max alive to get him there.  between the Plains of Sandy Cracks and the Beaver Oasis, was the town of Arze PlugVille.  Arze PlugVille was the most sadistically twisted town full of miscreants who would bend you over a barrel before even saying hello or finding out your name (and especially before buying you a drink or telling you that your hair is pretty).  Max new these areas and so did Muffy, but this time Muffy planned on not getting violated by one of The Arze Bandits and Max was just the man to get him around safely.

meanwhile in Max' mind, he was being tormented by all of the lost souls that he has to carry and the burden that weighs heavily upon him;  plus, he also has come to the realisation that he has not had s#x since his wife was run over in The Road Warrior.  His balls were getting rather heavy to carry around!

the odd duo pushed on and when night fell, they came to the city limits of Arze PlugVille.  Max felt deja vous and hoped that Tina Turner was not going to appear, cause that b!tch was freaky.  Max led Muffy around the town and then they started heading away and toward Beaver Oasis.  "Well that was easy."  Muffy said.

"Oh F*#k!"  Max said allowed as fifty Arze Bandits appeared from nowhere.  "You never assume that we are free until we are free Muffy or else you get caught, you silly little [email protected]"

"That's right!"  The extremely large hairy and sweaty leader of the group confessed. "We were all having arze s#x in the sand when we heard your voice.  Now you must come with us to the Wizard of Arze."

"So we're off to see the Wizard?"  Muffy asked.

"Shut the f*#k up Muffy or so help me......"  Max was hoping to Christ (oooh, maybe i shouldn't mention any religious stuff since Mel is in such sh!t over that anti-Yosemite thing)

Muffy and Max were led to a large room in the center of Arze Plugville.  "Another fine mess you've gotten us into Muffy."  Max commented.

"So,"  Said a girls voice behind a curtain.  "You are the one who made 'Bird on a Wire!"

Mel Gibson was a little confused.  "What, i thought we were rolling."

"Oh Mr Gibson, you haven't been on the film set since last night when you took a dive in the tequila pool, picked up two blonde japanese girls and ran off into the night.  When you woke up this morning with Muffy here you were convinced that the cameras were rolling and you were on set."

"So where the f*#k am I and why are you hiding behind the curtain."

the Female voice paused.  "Cause i'm shy."

"Oh you have nothing to worry about, i won't bite.  Unless you want me to."

And then the curtain dropped and behind it stood a woman who was not only six feet tall, she was seven feet wide.  Mel Gibson and the beaver named Muffy squeled and they ran.  "You have nowhere to go Mr Gibson."  called the voice.  "You will be my sex slave."

"Not if i can avoid it."  Mel Gibson ran faster then he ever had.  the giant emerald doors that they had to get through were locked so they went to the window and grabbed a couple of winged monkeys then jumped out the window.  Muffy's monkey flew up high and away from Arze Plugville, but Mel Gibson's monkey had just taken a Ruffi and was tripping real bad.  "Fly you drug f*#ked reject from that Wizard of Oz".  Mel was freaking out a little when they reached arm height and all of the Arze Bandit's were grabbing at his feet.  It wasn't long before his pants were pulled down and his hairy @ss was shown off to all of the horny little [email protected]@rds below.  "Nice poker stick"  one Arze Bandit said.  "Mmm Kosher" another one said.

Mel cringed and just did not want to land, so he did the only thing he could think of and it worked like a charm.  the Monkey flew straight up in the air and over the palace walls of Arze Plugville.  Mel then took his finger out of the monkey's @ss and desperately tried not to sniff his finger...................................but he did!  "Oooh yuk." He said and fell off the monkey.  down he fell, of course, until he hit the ground violently.  "Gee that smelt like onion and jizz!?"

Mel, now outside the gates of Arze Plugville, ran in the direction that Muffy was flying.

the Arze Bandits were on his......um........usually I wouldn't use Arze two times in a sentence for originality, but, Arze.  He ran and ran, but they were catching up to him quickly.  Mel could feel his @ss clenching in painful anticipation.  they were close now and getting closer.  "I'm too old for this sh!t!"  and then just before he was grabbed by two big hairy Arze Bandits, Muffy's Monkey swooped down and lifted him off the ground.  "We got you Mel."  Muffy yelled in excitement.  The Arze Bandits cursed at them with fists a shaking as Mel, Muffy and the Monkey flew away.  

"It won't be long until we get to the Beaver Oasis now Mel."

"Are you sh!tting me?  Is there really a Beaver Oasis?"

"Oooh yeah, and it is really sweet."

They flew for quite some time and then on the horizon they saw it.  palm trees a crystal lake and heaps and heaps of Beaver; sorry, i mean Beavers.  They landed on the outskirts and started walking toward it.  "So Muffy, i guess this is going to be like a new home for you with all these eligible Beavers here."

"Yeah, i am a bit of a hound, but there are human women as well.  Lots of them actually and they all are keen to get a bit of Mel Gibson into them."

"Wow.  Maybe this is were i'm meant to be.  Perhaps this is what i've been looking for all of my life.  Fantf*#kingtastic!"  As they got closer, Mel could not just see beavers everywhere, but he could see all of the women.  tall, short, blonde, brunette, red heads and lots of twins too.  It was like some sort of heaven.  then just as Mel was about to enter the Oasis it disappeared like a tv turning off.  "Cut!"

"What the F*#K?" Mel yelled and then the director came walking out behind a screen.

"That was some fabulous realism Mel.  That sh!t was tight."

"F*#k me, i thought i was in a desert."

"Yeah, that's right, it looked like you really believed that you were about to get your @ss plunged by a bunch of dudes.  It was awesome."

Mel Gibson then did the only thing that he thought was left for him to do.  He pulled out his gun and shot every mother f*#ker in the room.  it was like he was becoming Mad Max!  then he shot a hole in the wall and told the puppet on his hand that he still thought was a real beaver to hold onto its nutsack and he jumped through the wall and onto a big prop truck from the second Mad Max and started it up.  he then drove down Rodeo Drive, stopped at the lights and asked several desperate young women to hop in.  The girls were more then happy to do exactly what Mel Gibson told them to and Mad Max then drove off as the sun went down.

Back at the studio the director stood up unharmed and turned to his assistant.  "F*#k i hate it when he does this.  Lucky this time i put blanks in all the guns."

"Should we send out a search party for Mr Gibson?"  His assistant Hayley asked.

the director thought long and hard.  "No.......let's have some hot s#x instead and just cut the rest of the movie around the scenes we already have."  then the director thought some more.  "Hey Hayley do you think we could invite the Wizard of Arze into the trailer, she smells a bit but i like her style?"

Hayley didn't hesitate in doing as she was told but she had one more thing to say.  "Sir, do i have to wear the Tina Turner outfit this time or the Angry Anderson one?"

"Oooh, surprise me, yeah!"

Hmmmmm.  Hey folks, this is Captain Mal and I'm not quite happy with this story yet.  Maybe i will change it or do some tricky joke that ties it all together?????  Perhaps it might be a good idea to get some help.  I think i might ring my old pal, Enrique Force.

RING RING "Ola."

"Hey Enrique."

"Captain Mal, what an honor. what can i do for you?"

"Well, i'm going to send you a blog application and i was hoping you could have a look and see what you think of it. It just feels unfinished."

"Well Captain, I would love to have a look at it later, before I start my next Ballsout Starcrapper story, but right now we have a bit of an incident at our place."

"Oh!  What's wrong?"

"F*#k Captain Mal, you just aren't going to believe this, but none other then Mel Gibson is naked in our back yard talking to a puppet of a beaver on his hand.  Mr Gibson is trying to have s#x with a large statue of Cleopatra that Mum bought last Christmas.  It's an amazing spectacle!!  The police just arrived with tasers, plus for some reason he keeps screaming out to the statue 'Gee, that's funny, you don't look Jewish.'  If he doesn't pass out soon, i think the cops might take him down.  So, i have to go, but i will look at the email later."

Captain Mal (talking about myself in the third person) then smiled at the realisation that somehow, he must have been channeling Mel Gibsons life.

"Um, never mind Enrique, i think you've already helped me with the end of my story."

Enrique then said goodbye and hung up.

So, the moral of this story is that when you start to think that you are talking to a beaver, then it is either time to seek some serious mental assistance or you've been down there too long and you just will not, ever, ever, ever, find that clitoris!