Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said............

Harry Crankster is a rational man!  He humours those around him who do things that annoy him.  If someone cuts him off then he simply rationalises that perhaps that person is in more of a hurry then he is and forgets about it.  If he sees a mother smoking while taking her baby for a walk or drive he gets close to stopping the woman and beating the utter [email protected] out of her, but he doesn't, because firstly, she wouldn't understand why, because people who do that to their kids are f*#ked in the head and self absorbed & secondly, because it would upset the child.  Many other things pass Harry by and he just gets on with his day; for eg. women who don't shave under their armpits, t.v. shows hosted by a Daddo, TV Evangelists (folks I think you know by now that this one is a particular sore spot for Capt. Mal as well), bicyclists who want to drive on the road but then when a red light comes up they jump the curb and go across at the pedestrian crossing, the fact that we can afford space exploration but not a cure for nut cancer that doesn't include massive doses of radiation, G-strings on ugly hairy dudes at the beach, Jean Claude Van Damme making a movie named after himself and getting critical acclaim, Gwyneth Paltrow, the fact that adding avocado and spinach to a burger makes it gourmet thus allowing it to cost ten dollars, the fact that people vote for the other guy because he pisses them off the least just to be pissed off by the other guy after they get voted in and then to whine about them until the next election, violent cough farts (when you cough and fart at the same time which prevents you from being able to lift your cheek causing massive cheek vibration), the fact that nursery rhymes and fairy tales are all about dying or killing and we still read them to our children with a high pitched voice and expressions of exuberance, Guns n Roses' new album, police cars that speed and.....um......France (Yup, all of it and everything related).  

So yes, ladies and gentlemen, Harry Crankster is a very patient man; except of course for one thing.  Some people may find what Harry hates most of all to be unnecessary, but to Harry, it is the vein of his existence.  There is not a day that goes by that Harry does not fear one of these f*#king people approaching him; he hates them!

Happy Shiny People drive Harry Crankster f*#king insane!!!!!!!!!

you could just be walking along minding your own business and then all of a sudden one will jump out in front of you and smile and raise their eyebrows and ask how your day is and then they'll smile even bigger and say something like 'That's just fan tatily tastic'.  Or you could walk into that video store with the blue and yellow color coded sign and the person behind the counter just smiles and thanks you for coming into the store, but when you ask them a question about a movie as they smile like an @ss f*#ked waif and have no f*#king clue what the movie is about whether it is worth the ten f*#king dollars.  They just keep smiling and smiling and smiling!  Don't get him wrong though folks, it's not smiling that pisses him off, its fake smiling, it's people who try to find themselves or make themselves happy by reassuring that the people around them are happy also or maybe they think that they alone can save the f*#king world with their smile.  The only person who can save the world is Obama Sin Bad...um...no that's not right....Barrack Osama....no...um...anyway, you know the dude I mean, but there ain't no f*#king way that he's going to save this world with a smile, he's more likely to team up with Arnold Schwarzenegger (wow, I got that right but not Borrat Obama..Borrock SimLlama...ah f*#k it) and force the world to create a unified world government to f*#k oppression and war and to bring back Boston Legal.

But no, Harry is no hero, but he has put his foot down and is doing something proactive about this infestation of happy little f*#kers who get in your space.

Harry Crankster has trained a dog!!!!!!!!

I think that the picture above speaks for itself and I hope you weren't expecting some story about how Janice the Dog Trainer pissed her dog off this morning by not allowing it to hump her leg after she was dressed in her nice velvet slacks so it bit her face off.  No, Janice did allow her dog to hump her leg, because it's the only action she gets these days since the s#x change, but that dog in the picture is not her dog.  It's Harry's dog!  Chomper has been specifically trained to bite any f*#ker with a fake smile!  Obviously Janice has a fake smile and constantly thinks about drowning Mrs Smutkins and her world class Poodle in a bath of Egg Whites (why egg whites you say, well, Janice is on a diet and it was the first thing that came into her mind)  but I digest (peace out Blue Harvest fans), Chomper bit Janice in the mouth!  Yes it does seem a little cruel, but Harry doesn't really give a flying f*#k.  It's been six months, twelve days and seventeen hours until he has had to deal with a Happy Shiny Person and oh look, a bunch of Hairy Christians....um no that's not right...a bunch of the bald f*#kers who hand out flowers for a dollar and only eat turnip soup are approaching Harry Crankster.  It looks like Chompers going to have his paws full tonight.  Good night folks and remember, smile because you're happy, not because you're full of sh!t or you just may be visited by a smile hungry puppy and his extremely patient owner, Harry Crankster, Psychiatrist.