Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said......

And now ladies and gentlemen, come one come all to the first of many, the story of good vs evil, the story of a boy who looks to the stars and wishes upon them to be more then he is, a story so mind bogglingly adventure filled that you will have to hold on to your hats as you read, an adventure so fat that it just ate Indiana Jones, this ladies and gentlemen is the Adventures of Enrique Force………….

“Enrique, have you gone wee wee?”

“Muuuum, I’m twelve years old now, I know when I have to go to the toilet.”

“I just saying baby boy that Pappa and I will not be heres to look after yous so it would make Mamma happy to know that you have gone wee wee before we go.”

“By the Force, I wish they would just leave already.”  Enrique said to himself and then called out.  “Yes Mamma I will go wee wee now.”

Enrique went to the toilet and then realized that he had to pass the tacos that they ate for dinner last night also, so he settled in for a challenging bowel movement and reflected upon his current factual status and processed information available to collate into a literary adventure.

Name: Enrique Force

Age: 12½

Family: Mamma and Pappa – no siblings

Mission Status: Mamma and Pappa going away for some alone time (personally I think they just want to have sex). I, Enrique Force will be left at home alone with multiple tools of entertainment at my disposal plus an incredibly hot babysitter.

Curent Status: Sitting on the Sh!tter

Cast Members: Enrique Force – Imaginarian

Lydia Rump – Babysitter

Arnold Smelt – Lydia’s ex-boyfriend

Darth Vader – toy

Smushy – a Reluctant Pussy (I mean pussy cat, you dirty [email protected]@rds)

First Focus:       Finish sh!tting and hopefully Mamma and Pappa will be gone and I can go and sneak a peek at the babysitter taking a shower, then I create another amazing story to send into Capt Mal.

Greatest Success so far: Writing a story about Ballsout Starcrapper a super cool clone trooper and winning a competition that allowed it to be put up on the Capt Mal Explains Blog, plus I was sent a statue bust of Leia in slave girl outfit.  Super sweet!

Enrique finished rambling in his head and wiped his ass.  His finger accidentally pushed through the paper and sh!t squished all over it.  He then proceeded to flush, wash his hands thoroughly and then sniff them just in case he didn’t get it all; he did.  Enrique then snuck sneakily upstairs after checking that his parents were gone.  He knew that as soon as his parents left to go anywhere, Lydia would go upstairs to his parents ensuite and would have a long soothing warm shower.  This was definitely the day that he would get to take a peek.  Then, annoyingly, the phone rang. RING RING.  Enrique picked up the hallway phone and answered it.  “Hello.”

“Hello, is this Enrique Force?”

“Si.”

“This is Capt. Mal, I am just ringing to see whether you have finished your follow up story from your Ballsout Starcrapper submission.  The readers loved it and are keen to read another one.  I would write it myself, but since you seem to love Star Wars about as much as I do, I thought I would see if you wanted to be involved.”

“Um…..”  Enrique was about to write a new story, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Lydia Rumps Rump and the hot water running over it.  “Um….yeah, I’m in the middle of one now actually.”

“Well that is as sweet as a prom queens nipples; or so I hear.  Can you email it to me tonight?”

“Um…….”  Enrique was now thinking of Lydia dressed up as a Queen with her nipples uncovered.  “…..Um, I’ll try.”

“Try not Enrique, do or do not, there is no try!”

“That’s a little corny isn’t it dude?”

“Yes, but it’s true and it may just apply with Lydia.”  The phone then went dead.

Enrique stared at the phone in disbelief of what he just heard.  “WHAT THE F*#K!!!!  How the hell does Capt. Mal know about Lydia?  WHAT THE F*#K!!!!!”

(for the readers who are a little confused about this simple picture of a cat with Darth Vader strapped to it and this enormously intricate story that is before you, well, just read you whinging pricks cause I don’t even know what’s about to happen)  Enrique then tricked himself into believing that Capt. Mal didn’t say what he thought he did and then continued on to see Lydia in the shower.

He crept into his parents room and he opened the bathroom door slowly and just as he was about to peak in the door bell rang.  “Sh!t.”  Enrique said as he shut the door and crept out and down stairs to answer the door.  Just as he turned the knob the door was forced open and a crazed man pushed his way in.  “Where is she?”

“Who are you?”  Enrique tried to stand his ground.  “And what are you doing in our house?”

“I’m Arnold Smelt and I want to know where Lydia is.  She’s my girlfriend!”

“I thought she was your ex.”

“Yeah, but I want her back.”

“She told me that you were a little crazy and now I believe her.”  Enrique picked up the first thing he could grab from the umbrella stand; it was his purple lightsabre.  He then stood with his legs spread with the hard plastic object waving in Arnolds face.  “Engard!”

“Oh, you got to be f*#king kidding me kid.”  Then Enrique swung the lightsaber and smacked Arnold Smelt in the face.  Arnold went to grab the lightsaber, but Enrique was too quick.  He had been fencing since he was six years old.  Enrique then spun around in an almost Obi Wanesk motion and smacked Smelt again in the arse.  Three more smacks to the intruder then knocked him on the floor.  Enrique didn’t quite know how he was doing this, but he kept it up.  “Now Sith Spawn, leave my home or I will dispatch you.”

Arnold then stood up grabbed the lightsaber and snapped it in two.  "You little sh!t, i'm going to ram this up your as........."

"Arnold, What the F*#k."  Both Arnold and Enrique looked up the stairs to see Lydia standing there with a small towel wrapped around Lydia's wet body.  "What the f*#k are you doing to Enrique?"

"What?  He's a little punk and he hit me."

"Really Arnold, you got beat up by a 12 year old."

"12 1/2."  Enrique said quietly.

"F*#k off Arnold or I'll call the cops you freak, no wonder i dumped your @ss."

"You'll be sorry b!tch that you dumped me."  Then Arnold threw down the broken lightsaber and left, slamming the door behind him.

Enrique couldn't believe what had just happened, but mostly, he couldn't believe that Lydia was standing at the top of the stairs showing off her long legs and shapely form.  "Are you ok Enrique?"

He just nodded stupidly.

"Good, i'm going to go and condition my hair and put a face mask on and then finish my shower."

'Oooohhhh Yeah.'  Was Enrique's only thought.  "Um ok, i'm going to go and play Star Wars in my room."

Lydia jostled her body around and her breasts jiggled about.  "Oh your so cute!" and then she was off back to the shower.  Enrique knew that he had to wait until she was back in the shower to spy on her so he decided to go to his room and start on his story for Capt. Mal.  'How did he know about Lydia?' was the recurring thought in his head.  'Maybe I mentioned her before to him!'.

Enrique went into his bedroom and sniffed the air.  It smelled like new plastic!  It's a smell that every Star Wars addict will know wholeheartedly.  The smell when you open your first Star Wars figure locks into your memory and forever after it will stun you into a warm and memorable place of youth and happiness.  Enrique had a room full of Star Wars collectibles and many of them had been opened.  The fresh smell was intoxicating!  Of course the room also smelt of dirty clothes and half drunk boost juice, but the plastic was more overpowering.  Firstly Enrique fed the pet Chipmunk that he had trained to carry the Biker Scout figure that he used in the Ballsout Starcrapper story.  Then the eqger 12 year old went to his bed and gave his cat Smushy a pat.  Smushy was not as well trained as Bumper the Chipmunk, but she loved a pat.  "Alright Smushy, let's tell a story."  The cat just meowed and then started licking its junk.

'In the aftermath of the fall of the Jedi, Darth Vader hunted the Galaxy for the remaining few Knights who had fled like the cowards they were to escape a inevitable fate.  One day he would be on Coruscant and the next back on Kaashyk, after that it would be Mon Calamari or possibly even Endor.  This little Lord of the Sith was getting a bit tired and over it.  He thought of an idea to increase his ability to be in two places at once.  Vader went through the log of most courageous and capable Clone Troopers in all of the elite teams and came up with one soldier who seemed to have what it takes to put on a Darth Vader costume and pretend to be him at certain functions and capital punishment trials.  The troopers name - Ballsout Starcrapper - ID no. 000000000000000000001/2, Corporal, home planet - Tatooine, he has hardly any family and was involved heavily in the retaking of Buma Chuma.  This was the man!  Vader wasted no time at all.  He tracked down Corporal Starcrapper and enlisted him to his cause.  Vader then pointed at Ballsout as he spoke; as he usually does.  "Corporal, I have a proposition for you."

"Um...I'm not saying no Lord Vader, 'cause like, you're Darth Vader and all but how do you get it on in that outfit?"

Vader was confused and then realised what he meant and then put his hands up in a denying fashion.  "No no, you misunderstand, I mean that I have a special position for you."

"Deep Stick?  Cause that never sounds like it would be a special position if you catch my drift."

Vader then got angry and if Ballsout could see his cheeks, he was a little embarrassed.  "No you numbskull, I don't want to f*#k you with your feet behind my ears, I need you to take on a serious mission pretending to be me.  I want you to dress up like me and be seen at certain events while I'm off killing the f*#king Jedi; there like cockroaches you know, they run around and around the kitchen all night long and then when I finally corner the f*#ker, it flies away.  I mean, why the f*#k doesn't the little prick just fly away in the first place; it just pisses me off."

Ballsout then was the one to feel embarrassed.  "Oh my apologies Lord Vader, I thought you meant, well anyway, I'm sorry I didn't get the gist of what you were trying to tell me.  Of course I will do whatever you ask of me my Lord.  If I was willing to take it in the ass by you then I can surely walk around in your suit and be you."

"Good, you start today.  Here is a dry cleaning tab, pick up my spare suit from Wang's dry cleaners.  Mr Wang will look after you, just mention this weeks secret word and he'll give you a special discount.  It's 'Jellysucker'."

"Very well Lord Vader, oh and do I get to kill any Admiral's or Generals in your name?"

"Only if they really piss you off, it's so hard to get a position in the upper crust of the Empire.  Just do as I ask."

"Yes Lord Vader."

By the next morning Darth Ballsout was on his first mission in a Darth Vader outfit, pretending to be the Dark Lord of the Sith.  Vader had given him a small assignment to start with and he also gave him his spare lightsaber, which is also the one that dropped into the second Death Star after Luke cut his hand off.  If Ballsout only knew that then he would clean up on Ebay.  So, Ballsout was now on the planet of Neeples.  It was known for its plentiful mountains that usually sat side by side in pairs and were always the same size; well approx. Sometimes there would be some minor differences in the shape, but basically if you were to eyeball them then I'm pretty sure you would be too awe inspired to worry about how one is a little lower then the other, it just does not matter a pinch of sh!t.  And to handle this mountainous terrain, Ballsout knew that he needed a steed that would bound tirelessly over anything that came their way.  He searched his feelings and drew upon his ability to speak to creatures great and small and called out to animals that scaled the mountains.  'I am Ballsout, I seek a steed that can carry me tirelessly and into a hell that no other beast would dare to brave.'  Ballsout waited and he waited and he waited, but nothing came.  He then saw a big white pussy!!  It was beautiful and he just had to have it.  Ballsout approached the pussy (and now to prevent you dirty men from thinking that I am speaking about anything other then a cat I will start calling it a cat...........mostly) "Hello magnificent beast, I require assistance to scale the mountains to be present at the opening of the new SithMart.  I need to cut a ribbon with my ligthtsaber and afterward I am required to do party tricks for the children.  Would you help me?"

The cat came up and licked him; Ballsout thought about licking the pussy back, but then decided it to be potentially rude before getting to know it better.  So, he strapped on..........................um ..................................................he........saddled up; that's better.  And he hopped up on top making sure his lightsaber was firmly clipped to his belt.  I shall name you Snowblower or maybe Snowlicker or maybe Smushy, yes, Smushy."  and off they went over the mountains and through the storms bounding without effort through the snow to his first gig.  His balls hurt, but it was a small price to pay to gain respect from the Lord of the Sith.

Meanwhile on the planet Vulva Darth Vader had just fought his way through the swamps of regret to reach the place he mapped out that he believed the Jedi HairyNuts to be hiding.  He pulled away the last banana tree leaf to reveal........a new Sith Mart!  A crowd of Imperials cheered and all of their kids pointed and laughed with excitement at the prospect of meeting Darth Vader.  Vader looked at his map again and then realised that the two assignments had been mixed up and he thought about Ballsout scaling the giant mounds of Neeples.  "Oh f*#k!"

Ballsout and Smushy then took a break so that Ballsout could get his nuts out and give them a soothing rub.  having excessively large testicles is good for some reasons, but mostly it is just annoying and painful.  Smushy just sat in a corner of the cave they found and started licking herself.......................hey,you would if you could!  Ballsout then took his belt off and put it aside and then undid the piss hatch at his crotch and his giant balls flew out and across the room and then they stretched and flung back at Ballsout slamming into him and knocking him to the ground.  just as he fell to the ground a laser blast flew past him and hit the rock wall.  Ballsout stood up and turned to see a most heinous looking dude standing with six arms and three legs...no wait, two legs and a giant penis surrounded by lots and lots of pubes.  "Urgh."  Ballsout said.  "Why don't you cover that up?"

The scaly faced creature pointed at Ballsout's own nuts.  "I could say the same thing about you Nutzilla."

"...... Touché freaky dude!  So who are you?"

"Do not play coy with me Vader, you know I am the Jedi HairyNuts and you have come to kill me."

Ballsout then realised that he was on the wrong mission.  "Oh F*#k, um you got the wrong guy, I'm not Vader.  My name is Ballsout Starcrapper and i'm just pretending to be Vader.  I'm not meant to be here."

"Yeah and my name is Sally Struthers and and i've come to eat your pussy...........cat."

"But I don't want to fight you, I'm only in the Empire because they run the Galaxy."

"Bullsh!t, now I will end you so you do no more harm to this Galaxy."

HairyNuts pulled out four lightsabers with his upper arms and ran at Ballsout.  Ballsout then realised his lightsaber was too far away so he did the only thing he knew to, he threw his balls at HairyNut and hit him in the stomach.  Ballsout then reeled them back in before they got cut off.  he then jumped to get his lightsaber and then turned around to face the Jedi.  "I don't want to fight you.  But I will if I have to."

And then the battle that ensued was so intense that Smushy was scared; but she still kept licking herself.

Ballsout wasn't that good with a lightsaber, but he was able to deflect every attack.  then he thought about what Darth Vader would do in this situation and he decided that he had to use the Force.  Of course he didn't have any to use, but he had to try.  Darth Ballsout reached out with his mind again and into the minds of all of the animals around.  firstly to Smushy, but she was too busy cleaning herself thoroughly, and then to the Birds and the Snakes and the Woogles (Woogles are cranky round fluffy beasts who love eating meat.  Ballsout called for help and help came.  HairyNut went to cut Ballsout down and just as he was about to a bird landed on the end of HairyNuts dick and then crapped on it.  then a Snake came out of a hole in the ground and jumped up into his pubes and started biting his balls.  Then a nasty little Woogle jumped out from behind a boulder and started scratching the Jedi's face.  the Jedi was at a loss, he dropped his weapons and started yelling and screaming and trying to get the animals off his face, penis and balls; actually he wasn't that worried about his face at all in comparison.  Ballsout just watched as the Jedi flailed around and ran back and forward screaming in pain until finally he ran out of the cave and off of the cliff to what Ballsout would assume to be his death.  Smushy then had finished grooming and came over and went to lick his balls.  "Um, I don't think I want you doing that.  I know they hurt and nobody is around, but that's just a little unhygienic and I would like the first one whom licks them to be a girl; a human girl.  Smushy didn't look fazed, but Ballsout knew she was offended, but there was no way he was going to allow the cat to lick his nuts.  So Ballsout stuffed his nuts back into his cod piece and closed it carefully without catching any skin and then packed up, saddled up and mounted Smushy.  "Let's go Smushy, I came to do one thing and ended up killing a Jedi, but at least Vader will be pleased and maybe I might even get laid.  I wish there was a heroine in this story.  Just then a hot half naked woman came running out of a side cave.  "oh help me kind sir, i was being held captive by that Jedi as a s#x slave.  My name is Leedia."  Ballsout then felt awesome and he put his hand out, took Leedia's and lifted her on the pussy.......um.....cat.  "Never fear my lady, I am Darth Vader and I am here to rescue you."

"Oh my hero!"

Just then Enrique's door opened and Lydia was standing there still in her towel but dry now.  "I'm about to jump in the shower, if you need me just call out.  oh and thank you for saving me from Arnold, you were a true hero."  Then she walker over and knelt down and kissed Enrique on the forehead.  Enrique scored a cheek feel against her sizeable breasts.

"Aw it was nothing."  Just then Smushy the cat went running across the room with a Star Wars figure strapped to its back.

"Gee, when you say your going to play Star Wars, you mean it.  So what's your story about?"

"Um, a hero who saves the girl and gets.....um.....a kiss."

"Just like you huh."  Enrique just smiled.  Lydia then went back to her shower.

Enrique sneakily snuck into the room and went to open the door after he heard the shower start.  'this is awesome he thought.  Just then he heard a noise from behind him.  "Hey perve!"  It was that @rsehole Arnold Smelt climbing through his parents window.  "What are you doing perve?  Are you perving on my girl?"

"No, I just heard a noise and was just checking and obviously it was you.  Get out of here."

Smelt walked over to Enrique and pushed him aside.  "Out of my way groin stain or I'm going to tell Lydia that you were perving."  Enrique thought about it and stepped aside.  Arnold then persisted into the bathroom and surprised Lydia.  Enrique stood at the door and saw the following events unveil.  Arnold pulled back the curtain, Lydia screamed, Arnold pulled down his pants, Lydia slapped him, Arnold kissed her, Lydia pulled Arnold into the shower, Lydia and Arnold had hot shower s#x.  Enrique watched for a little while and was very confused by Lydia, but at least he could see Lydia's shapely form, but had no real desire to see Arnold naked so he went back to his room to finish the story.  'F*#k' he thought 'If that pr!ck didn't show up, maybe it would be me in there.'

So back to the story, Ballsout arrived back at the rendezvous point and Darth Vader was just arriving.  "You're alive!?"  Vader said in surprise.

"Yes, I killed HairyNut and this is the maiden he held captive, Leedia."

"Gee Ballsout, you really surprised me; good job.  And hello Leedia."

"You know each other?"

"Yes, we used to date before I met that Padme chick."  Then Leedia's shapely form slid off of the pussy cat and she ran to Vader.  "Oh I missed you my big black Sith.  I thought you were the other guy at first, but since he didn't know me I knew it wasn't you, because nobody forgets Leedia the Fresh."

"Damn straight.  Anyway Ballsout, head back to Coruscant and pretend to be me for a while so I can catch up with my dear old friend here.  Oh and one thing you need to know about the Emperor is......don't clench."

'F*#king Pr!ck'  Ballsout thought to himself.

"I heard that Starcrapper!  You have to be careful what you think around me or I'll cut your humungus nuts off."

Then Vader picked up Leedia and carried her to his ship for nasty Force s#x.

Ballsout was tired and saw and upset and horny, so he got his nuts out again as Vaders ship left.  This time though they flung out across to the saddle on Smushy and got wrapped around in them.  Smushy squealed in shock and ran off with Darth Ballsout Starcrapper dragging behind him.

It was not a fitting end for this hero's story, but this hero's story was far from over.

That night Enrique rang Captain Mal and before he could say who he was Capt Mal said.  "Hey Enrique, how'd you go?"

"It's ok I guess, i've emailed it to you already."

"Fantastic, i'm sure our fans will love it.  Ow and how did you get on with your babysitter, did you stoop her?"

"What?  How did you even know about her?"

"Firstly tell me, what happened."

"She got back together with her ex."

"Yeah but did you see her naked?"

"Yeah and she grazed my cheeks with her boobs."

"Well then my friend, you have just gotten to second base with a girl and your are only 12 1/2, you should feel good about it and don't let life get you down so much.  Today you've duelled to protect a kinda fair maiden, you've created a story for the ages, you've caressed the fine form of a pair of ample breasts and seen a beautiful woman naked in the shower.  write it off as a win kid and next time, well just maybe it will be your turn.  Good night kid."

"Hey you didn....."  The phone went dead and Enrique didn't get to ask how Capt Mal knew about what had gone on that day.  It was bizarre.  Enrique went to sleep peacefully.

two days later an internet blog was put up with a video of Lydia's Rump and of what Arnold Smelt in the shower.  Apparently the Force family have computer cameras in every room on every terminal and someone in Enrique's family had forgotten to turn them off (actually it was his parents who film themselves doing it in every room, but Enrique had accidentally sent the link to Capt Mal.  

But as far as Enrique Force knew - Captain Mal was a real Jedi Master and would always look out for him.

Ballsout Starcrapper will return in 'SkyDoodle'........