Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said.......

In the beginning………..there was the Vampire revolution.  It was the bloodiest time in all of human history and was led by the meanest, cruelest Vampire of all.

Kount von Kount aka The Kount.  Although he looked like a Muppet, he was a mean b!tch of a killer.  He was tougher then Dracula, Blade, even Angel and Spike.  This Vampire was King Sh!t of all the bloodsucking nightwalkers.  He lived for thousands and thousands of years eating, drinking and f*#king whatever and whomever he chose to.  He even caused a two year darkness where vampires could walk the Earth day and night, mostly so they could go to Matinee’s.  It was a dark time for human’s and only the strong and the people who lived on other continents survived.  Vampires would be sucking necks all over the place for a very long time; (actually it is probably a good point of the story to tell you a little unknown fact about Vampires that is not really good to know, but it is interesting.  Vampires love sucking necks because it is a very juicy area of the body that has few bones to worry about; the interesting part is that the neck is not the favorite part, breasts are a favorite as are butt cheeks, but the place that Vampires love more then anywhere else due to the intense rush of blood is the penis!  Yes readers, Vampires love to suck [email protected], this I speak of has nothing to do with this story, but it is a little bit funny).  Now back to the story, One day though, The Kount was beaten!!  It was inevitable that someone could stand up to him and win, but it was just a big surprise to all around him.  It was not his generals and it was not a great warrior from a distant land.  He was defeated by………..’dramatic pause’…………..a Magician!!!!!  Yes folks it was a magician named…um…lets just call him James Hansen.  He wanted to use him for his own devices, so he turned the Kount into a real Muppet and wiped his memory and then stuck him on a kids television show that would run forever.

The Kount was then given the job of living on the set of a castle and counting everything from Sheep to the moles on the back of an eighty year old female nudist.  It was a demeaning job for someone of his grace and malevolent magnitude, but at the time, he knew no better; he was a puppet for Hansen’s profit.  One day long after the magician died of a strangely benign cause the hold that he had on the Kount lessened and the Kount started getting a part of himself back.  It took a long time, but the Kount started to find his past and when he finally regained all of his memory and instincts, he realized that he had changed!!!  He no longer desired the blood of a virgin, he no longer desired to suck [email protected] (hey what do you know, this sucking [email protected] thing is a useful page filler and it is still funny), and most of all Kount von Kount had no desire to be ruler of the world.  The Kount had grown a heart while living with all of these sucky puppets and muppets, children and even the bald, old and fat human’s who had been on the show since the beginning; The Kount now cared for human’s.  But then one day the Kount decided to take a day off and sit in his Jason Recliner in his castle and watch a movie as he sucked on a bag of Koala blood (apparently its good for the Jizz???)  He decided to watch a NEW Vampire movie that had swept the world and has rave reviews from many teen magazines.  The Kount was very excited; he now loved the art of film and movies such as Dracula with Gary Oldman, especially since he gets to stoop Winona Ryder.  He even liked the documentaries made about the Vampire Angelus, especially because the actress Charisma Carpenter was so fricken hot.

Now the Kount sat as the movie began, it was called Dusk or Nightfall or something along those lines and it had a human girl who fell in love with a Vampire and there are wolves in it and apparently lots of cool stuff.  The Kount watched and watched and watched and then it was over.  The Kount sat for a while, finished his Koala Daiquiri, ate the last cheese ball in his snack bowl and then got up and put on his cloak.  The Kount then flew out the window (Vampires can do that you know) and he flew straight to Hollywood where apparently there was a premiere screening of the new Sunset movie (or was it called Twilight?? I don’t know)  anyway he saw the red carpet in the distance and flew down with a passion he had not felt for centuries and he landed right in front of Robert Pattinson.

“Holy sh!t!”  Robert said.  “Where did you come from?”

“I came from the depths of hell you pathetic excuse for a Vampire and I’m here to tell you that I died more watching your piece of sh!t acting then I did two thousand years ago.  I mean, ‘What the F*#k Bob, you were o.k. in Harry Potter, probably cause you died, but now you seem to be just coasting through this role like a bar of soap as it washes your nutsack, you see all it does is ooze cleansing suds onto your nuts, but it is still inanimate; just like you.  You ooze some kind of bullsh!t into your viewers brains, but you just stand there and don’t even act.  F*#k me!”

“Hey, lots of people think I’m a good actor.”  Robert said in defense.

“Well sucker, not me!”  the Kount then pulled his hand back and swung with an almighty force that would put Ali to shame.  Robert did not see it coming and when he felt it he was lying on the ground with piss soaking his tidy whitey’s and seeping out on the red carpet.  The photographers went crazy taking photo’s of the incident but now that the Kount had found his Mojo, none of the pictures showed him in them.  “Now Pattinson, I’ll be watching you, so make sure your next film is good or I will find you again and next time, I might just suck your d!ck so hard that it will come off in my mouth……..um”  The Kount thought about what he just said.  “……..um…….but not in a gay way.”  Then the Kount flew off and left everyone in utter shock; except for Kristen Stewart who yelled out her phone number to the Kount and said “Call me!!!”

Then as the Kount flew over Hollywood and felt the breeze against his age old Muppet skin, he knew that he had a new purpose in this life.  He was to return to Poppyseed Lane and make himself visible to the cameras again and act.  He would act like he had never acted before and then once he believed himself good enough he would return to this Hollywood and find Terry Gilliam and make a movie about his life called “How to Suck a D!ck, but not in a Gay way!”  It was sure to be a massive hit!  Perhaps he would get a chance to stoop Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansen; now that would rock!