Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

“Come one, come all to the Sale of all sales!  Come one come all to the sale that you can just not pass up!!!

It’s the new ‘Beam Bed’ from FunBeds R’ Us.  Not only does the beam bed have a light beam emanating from underneath

It also has the most comfortable F*#king mattress you will ever lie on.  I lay down on this sucker last Tuesday and I just woke up before filming this add.

I missed my wedding and several important doctors’ appointments about my liver damage.  I’m now declining into a state of disrepair that no doctor can bring me back from, but I have to say that this bed is the Sh!t.  It is so comfortable that I think I’m going to lie back down right now and probably wake up dead in hell.

And you know ladies and gentlemen, if I do go to hell, that’s o.k, as long as I get to take this F*#king Beam Bed with me.  Not only is it comfortable and it has a light coming out from under the bed, I can see if there are any monsters under the bed, not that that will matter since I’m going to be in hell soon and surrounded by pitchfork wielding demon bastards, but if you are thinking about the beam bed for you kids to stop them worrying about monsters under the bed then this is the bed for you.  come in a have a try, especially if you are a hot milf with no real inhibitions about the sanctity of marriage.  I’m dying, so if you can see it in your hearts to come in and buy some beds and maybe hump my brains out while I’m sleeping on my beam bed then please do so.  I need another commission cheque to pay for my last case of tequila and my coffin, but then again maybe I can just get cremated and my ashes spread all over this F*#king awesome bed.  It only costs $1,999.00 and if you think that that is too expensive then you don’t love yourself enough to do something f*#king fantastic for yourself.  So come on down to the sale of the century and buy a F*#king Beam Bed today!!  Alright Cut!”

Salesman turns around and walks off screen.  “Oh my f*#king back is killing me, that bitch of a bed has a spring right in the sacrum area and one right where my asshole nestles into the big f*#king hole that I keep falling into.  I got an erection the other day, roled over and the spring slit a big gash in my [email protected]  I was scrubbing blood off the F*#king thing for hours.  I haven’t got it all off so I’m going to have to splash some more blood on it and tell people it’s a custom print.  Maybe we can charge extra for that.  How do I get me hands on some penis blood; I guess it doesn’t have to be penis blood does it.  Hey Sandra…um….never mind, I’ll go to the butcher.  God damn that f*#king bed is sh!t and the light, my god how f*#king annoying is it.  I think this twitch in my eye is because of that f*#king light.  The Beam Bed; perhaps we should call it the ‘F*#k up your back and send you into a convulsive hyperactive state of disrepair bed’; or maybe we just right a clause on the contract that states that any issues you have with the bed are a direct result of your own stupidity and have nothing to do with this piece of sh!t Beam Bed.  Anyway Chuck, I’m warmed up now, can I do another take without all of the negative banter?”

Chuck raises an eyebrow and looks at Percy Hammernut with a pale look of despair.  “Um, Percy, didn’t you get the memo?  This was Beamed live to the network.  And I haven’t turned off the camera yet cause I just got back from taking a piss.  What’s wrong with your first take?”

Percy Hammernut – Salesman extraordinaire, ladies man and all around nice guy; dying of liver diseases and about to get fired turns back to the camera, looks it dead in the eye and say’s “F*#k it!  Hi audience, I suppose after hearing about this bed, I don’t suppose anyone is going to go rushing out to buy one unless it’s for your Mother in Law and I suppose that also means that Lucy Slapenass is going to fire my @ss, so let me just tell you one more thing.  Boss, last Friday night when the shop closed and you and I did those miraculously dangerous sex acts all over the shop, I can’t believe that you could get your legs in that position and darlin’, no matter what you say and how much you yell at me, nobody can stick it in there, it is impossible; this is Percy Hammernut, signing off, probably for the last time ever and I’ll see you all in hell.”

(Please NB: all comments on the Beam Bed are unintended to be accurate in any way shape or form as Percy Hammernut is fictional and there is no real evidence that you can cut your penis on our mattress springs)

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