Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

Pigboy Rumbumpkin was named after his great Uncle Pigboy Johnson and had nothing to do with the fact that both of them resembled pigs in any way shape or form.  It was just a coincidence that Pigboy became a lover of Pigs.  Pigboy always said that even if his name was President of France Rumbumpkin, he probably would still love pigs more then anything in the world.  One day, Pigboy awoke to a lick to his face from his favorite pig, Poindexter.  “Good Morning my friend, let’s get something to eat.”  Then after eating the two dear friends played all day and had a wondrous time.  They loved each other and this love would never be broken……..

Twenty years later: (now lets just pretend that pigs live that long and well sh!t, maybe they can live that long, except that we usually eat them before they get the chance)  Pigboy was now a Private Dick (I think I can say Dick there without blocking any letters because it is referencing the slang of a Private Detective.  Now if I was to say Pigboy was playing with his D!ck; well, I think you get the drift)  anyway, Pigboy had a busy case load and was now living on the mean streets in the Big City and his dear old friend Poindexter was a show Pig at the local strip joint ‘Ham On The Bone’.  It was a ruff gig for him, but he had to make a living and it was at least good money.  Poindexter was a bouncer and on ladies nights he would do a little dance and strip called ‘Pigboy and Poindexter – a love story’.

Meanwhile across town Pigboy was arriving at a murder scene.  He had been following Junkie Monkey, the proprietor of ‘Ham On The Bone’, for days; his wife thought he was cheating on her with a Hippopotamus.  Pigboy never got the chance to catch Junkie Monkey with the Hippo, but he had the eerie feeling that the widow Jolly Hippo had something to do with Junkie Monkey’s fate.

“What are you doing here Pigboy?”  Captain Jezebel mooed at Pigboy.

“I’m on a case Cow.”

“It’s Captain Cow, I mean.. Jezebel to you Pigboy.”

“So Captain, what do we have here?”

“Junkie Monkey was squashed flat.  We think it may be suicide.”

“Suicide?  How do you figure that?”

“He was found under a big fat Hippopotamus named..”

“Jolly Hippo!!”  Pigboy said with vigor.

“Yep, that’s the one.  We think it was a double suicide; maybe a love pact.”

‘Sounds like there are some holes in it’ Pigboy thought to himself.  “Do you mind if I have a BoPeep.”

“Who you F*#k is none of my business Pigboy, but just remember that that Little Miss ain’t no saint in pink bows, I once saw that BoPeep open her mouth so wide that she could fit an entire….”

“I mean can I look around?”

“Oh, yeah sure.”

Pigboy then went over to the squashed frame of Junkie Monkey and the large Hippo carcass that had bounced off of the Monkey’s body and landed on a nearby Cadillac.  Luckily the owners of the Cadillac were in the adjacent liquor store robbing it; otherwise they would have been two more dead bodies for the Police to scratch their heads over.  So far the robbers were still in the liquor store having an unscheduled and pleasantly surprising threesome with the liquor store owner’s wife.  Ming Li was handed the keys to the liquor store by her reluctant husband as he had to go and deal with a ladies sanitary truck that just drove through their house.  Ming Li was a dirty whore and an alcoholic!  Chuck Li is an idiot!

The Hippo’s carcass gave nothing away.  It was big, fat and dead!

The Monkey however was another story.  Although it was squashed flat, Junkie Monkey had obviously died happy as his dick was fully erected (although flat).  He had a very large penis, which I suppose you would have to if you were going to even touch the sides of that Hippo’s Cave of wonders.  Other then being naked, dead and flat, he seemed to be holding something in his hand.  Pigboy made sure that the Police were still peering into the window of the liquor store and then he grabbed the piece of paper out of the Monkey’s hand and put it straight into his pocket.

“Thanks Captain Bovine.”

“It’s Captain Cow Pigboy!”

“Don’t you mean Captain Jezebel Captain Cow?”

The Captain thought about it as Ming Li turned a 69 into 138 and just brushed the Private Dick away.  “Go back to peeping through windows Pigboy.”  The Captain said with absolutely now idea as to his own compete stupidity and uselessness.

Pigboy got into his car and took the paper out of his pocket.  It was a card from ‘Ham On The Bone’ and it had something written on the back ‘Poindexter’s next - 555- 3425782537’ the phone number seemed innocent enough until Pigboy started to dial it.  555 – then he noticed that the numbers following spelt a word that sent shivers down his spine. ‘D!cksucker’.

It was a long time since Pigboy had crossed paths with the notorious and infamous D!cksucker and after seeing the situation with the Monkey and the Hippo, he knew it had D!cksucker all over it.

D!cksucker was a kingpin from Jiz Town who was trying to muscle in on the Junkie Monkey’s business and territory.  It looked like he had just made his move and Poindexter was next.  D!cksucker must have shoved the card into Junkie Monkey’s hand before pushing him and his mound of pound out the window.

But why was Poindexter involved.  This was another name that Pigboy had not heard for a long time.  Not long after Pigboy graduated from school, Poindexter decided that he wanted more then what the farm could offer.  He wrote for a while but then the letters just stopped.  Pigboy went to the city to be with him but Poindexter just wanted to make it on his own.  This gave Pigboy the idea of becoming a professional Dick so he could keep an eye on his long time best friend and only dude he ever truly loved, but not in a homo way.  (And no Flamingo, this is not about us; it is just a coincidence that these two dudes love each other platonically, however if this was about us, you would be the stripper pig for sure)  Pigboy had no time to spare.  He had to get to ‘Ham On The Bone’ quickly to save his friend.

Running every light and breaking every speed limit on the way to ‘Ham On The Bone’ Pigboy tried to call the stripclub one more time.  No answer.

Pigboy Rumbumpkin turned into the street where the club was and sped up even faster.  And then he saw them; D!cksucker the Crocodile and his Ostrich henchmen.  They all carried machine guns and were about to let loose all over the ‘Ham On The Bone’.  Pigboy sped up even faster still and just before the first bullet fired, he slammed into four of the eight henchmen.  “I bet you wish you could fly now you bunch of oversized eggsh!tters.”  Pigboy then backed up over them and into two more.  He then pulled his sawn off shotgun from under the seat and flung himself out of the car before it was shot to sh!t by D!cksucker and the two remaining henchmen.  Pigboy stood up and shot one of the henchmen through the throat and its head then doubled over and it ran around like a nearly headless chicken. It ran into the other ostrich and it then accidentally shot D!cksucker in the foot.  “Ahh you F*#king useless sh!t”  and then Dicksucker shot them both dead.”

“Don’t move D!cksucker or I’ll blast you down in Jiz Town.”

“Don’t you mean you will shoot me back to Jiz Town?”

“No, I mean I will shoot you in the ballsack you f*#k.”

Just then, Poindexter came running out of the bar followed by many different strippers of all different shapes and sizes.  Poindexter quickly pulled up his Gstring.  “Pigboy!”  He called out scared for his friend.  “Stay back Poindexter, this mean ass Croc has it in for the club and for some reason, for you.”

“So you haven’t figured that out yet, huh D!cktective.  Your friend here is the sole beneficiary of Junkie Monkey’s will and that means that when he dies, I can take over with no interference due to my conections downtown.”

“Junkie Monkey’s dead?”  Poindexter said in shock.

“Yeah, he died quickly and up to his ears in [email protected]”  D!cksucker said proudly.

“Drop the gun D!cksucker or I’ll fill you so full of lead that everytime you f*#k, you’ll have to sharpen your d!ck to get an erection.”

“Not today Pigboy.”  And then it happened; all at once and inevitably.  Pigboy raised his shotgun and D!cksucker raised his machine gun and bullets flared in both directions.

Poindexter was screaming until the firing stopped and Pigboy stood victorious; except of course, that he was shot in the right nut and his left nipple was shot off also.

D!cksucker however was f*#ked.  One shot straight to the face saw the bastard face down bleeding into the drain like you see in those good detective stories (unlike this f*#ked up piece of sh!t that has hardly a point and absolutely no real focus point; yet)  Poindexter ran over to Pigboy and they hugged.

Then they realized they were being watched by everyone and they broke their hold.  “Dude.”  Pigboy said.  “Sweet.”  Poindexter said.

So that is it.  Pigboy and Poindexter now live together uptown with their girlfriends and they drink & f*#k hard every other night.  Poindexter still works irregular shifts at the club, but now he is the owner he only does one show now and again when Carrie Fisher is in town (Cause who the f*#k wouldn’t strip for Carrie Fisher)  Pigboy was now the Captain of the local Police department and was starting to really clean up the streets.  (Except of course for Ming Li’s Liquor store – I mean f*#k, if sh!t ain’t broke then does it really need fixing.)  Anyway in the end all turned out alright, except for the dead monkey, hippo and ostriches.  So next time you see a picture of Pigboy and Poindexter the innocent young boy and his pig, hope that even after life takes its mischievous turns that you will eventually get back to who you really are.  Oh and by the way, when Poindexter died at the ripe old age of 24, Pigboy had a beautiful Hangi in his honor.  Apparently that pig tasted damn good!

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