Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

Jimbo ‘Googly’ Hicks was never one to really run with the crowd.  He lived a simple life with simple needs and very few wants.  Jimbo loved to read the bible and plant seeds.  Jimbo loved his mother and his dog Reggie.  Jimbo was a flea!!  First thing every morning Jimbo would slide off of his human; via the ball sack and down the leg.  He would go to his herb garden and plant seeds, he would then visit his mother whom lived on Reggie, their dog.  “Sit Reggie, but never scratch or roll over on my Mother!”  Jimbo would say to the obedient animal.  He would then trek to his humans shoulder and read the Bible with him for as long as it took.  It was a pleasant life full of everything Jimbo could ever desire.

Then one day as Jimbo left the confines of his pubic home and was sliding down the shaft of his humans penis he looked out of the fly that was never fully shut and saw, with his extremely good eyesight, a female flea sitting on the shoulder of a female human sitting across from his human in the park.  She was very attractive and as far as humans go, her human was pretty also.  That night, Jimbo could not sleep very well as his humans hand kept slamming continuously into his home.  After Jimbo was finally left alone in quiet, he could not understand the feelings he was feeling in his own crotch.  His heart seemed to race very fast (do fleas have hearts?  Good f*#kin’ question, I’ll have to google that) anyway, Jimbo was confused!!!

The next day Jimbo’s human went back to the same place where he was the day before but this time he started talking to the female human.  Jimbo took this opportunity to find the female flea and have a chat with her.  “Well hello there sailor.”  Came a sweet but strange voice.  “Oh I’m not a sailor.”  Jimbo said as he turned to see the female flea sitting on her humans fly zipper, just as he was.  “That’s a shame big boy, ‘cause I love the smell of a big strong boat load of seamen”.

Jimbo was a little confused by this but he persisted with the conversation.  “My name is Jimbo, what’s yours?”

“My name is Phukalot.  It is a Japanese name since I have a little Japanese in me; well, my mum did anyway.”

Once again this comment went a little over Jimbo’s head, then all of a sudden Jimbo’s human moved closer to Phukalot’s human and they started touching each other and then Phukalot jumped across to Jimbo’s fly zipper.  Jimbo caught her and pulled her to safety.  “Thanks big boy.”  But the turmoil did not stop there.  Jimbo’s humans penis started coming right for them.  “It’s out of control!”  Jimbo screamed.  “Hold on to me.”  Phukalot clung onto Jimbo and then Jimbo jumped on the zipper as if it was a diving board and sprang through the air, then grabbed the penis’ foreskin.  He then did a flip in the air and landed on the giant (well actually, his human had a very small penis’ as far as human penis’ go, but to a flea this thing was f*#king huge) member and slid with Phukalot down to his pubic hide away.  For the next twenty four hours, Jimbo and Phukalot did things that Jimbo had never heard of before.  They got sweaty and messy and Jimbo was still confused, but was going down town with all of his gusto.  “Wow Phukalot, I have never even met another female flea before and now you have come into my life and given me lots of hardcore reasons to be more extraverted.”

“I’m glad Jimbo, anyway, I’m off.”

“You’re going?”  Jimbo asked sadly.

“Well yeah, I just wanted a f*#k and now that you and your human are flaccid, I’ve got to get back to my human’s warm and cosy duplex; it’s a little tight, but I manage.”

“Oh!”  Was all Jimbo could muster before the love of his life got dressed and jumped home to her human.  Now for days he had not seen his love’s female human. And Jimbo was sad.  His human seemed sad as well and was not being as familiar with himself as he usually would when episodes of Ugly Betty came on.  Jimbo had to do something to fix this situation and he had to do it fast.  First he got up extra early in the morning and went and had a talk with his dog Reggie.  “Now Reggie, today when we go for a walk, you must smell down Phukalot’s human and take our human to her.”  Reggie barked in agreeance and then rolled over and licked his [email protected]  (I guess if we could do it, we probably would).  Jimbo then visited his mum and advised her of what was to transpire.  “Just hold on Mum and all will be well.”

When it came time to go, Jimbo was on board his human and keen to find Phukalot.  Reggie led the way and Jimbo couldn’t wait.  They walked through the park that they usually found Phukalot and her human and then kept walking for quite some time.  Finally Jimbo thought it necessary to have a look at what was going on, so he climbed over the penis to the zipper and peered out at the world beyond.  There seemed to be a lot of humans just like his human cramming into a very tight space.  Reggie was still there, but was hard to see with all of the humans around.  It was quite strange how so many humans had come to congregate around the same place.  And then Jimbo saw it!  The place that everyone was trying to get into and it horrified Jimbo to his utter core.  It was ‘Ramming Rogers’ the whore house and Phukalot’s human was standing at the door ushering men into the establishment by showing off her mammary glands.  All of the humans were very keen to get to the front of the line and my human was acting so bizarre that he let go of Reggie’s lead and he ran off.  I think he was crying.  And then all of a sudden, I heard a growling, snorting noise coming from back down in my pubic region.  I looked down into the darkness and could see something moving.  It then turned into many things and they were all coming directly for me.  “Pubic Lice” I said with a vengeance.  That dirty whore invited them to my place and now they wanted to take over.

Jimbo ‘Googly’ Hicks was now very pissed off!  I would go so far as to say he was even more pissed off when Rambo was left on top of that hill in Vietnam with the POW by his own people.  It was…..(wait for it)……..clobbering time.  Jimbo ripped a piece of his sleeve off (yes, for the purpose of this scene we will pretend that fleas wear shirts) and he wrapped it around his forehead (and yes it was red)  he then snapped off a tiny metal bur that was sticking out of the zipper and raised it high in the air.  And as the wretched Pubic Lice, also know as Phthirus Pubis or most commonly – Crabs, scampered toward him, Jimbo yelled out really loud as he jumped onto his humans penis “COME GET SOME BITCHES” and then with an all mighty stab he thrust the metal bur into the eye of the penis.

(For those of you who are wondering about why Jimbo’s human’s eyes are so wide, yes, it is because he was just stabbed in his penis with a piece of metal and he had a hundred Pubic Lice crawling up his shaft.  I can’t see anything else that would make a man’s eyes widen that far…can you?)  Jimbo then held on for dear life as he knew what was coming (and no I don’t mean the penis) Jimbo’s human reached down and started scratching his crotch viciously.  At least twenty Crabs were taken out on the first scratch.  On the second scratch at least half of the bastards were eradicated.  The scratching after that lessened so Jimbo decided it was time to help his human with the rest.  He then slid down the penis with his makeshift knife in his hand and started kicking and stabbing any and all of the mother f*#kers that he passed off their perch and down into the leg pant abyss.  Jimbo fought bravely and valiantly, but eventually he was becoming over run with the nasty little sidewalkers.  “If only I had some help.”  And then as if sent by an angel Reggie appeared out of nowhere and nuzzled his human’s crotch and Jimbo’s mum and her entire shuffle board team came bounding into the fly.  “Mum.  Stay back, it’s too dangerous.”  Jimbo said.  “Don’t you worry son.”  Said Jimbo’s mum, I’ve dealt with a few bouts of Crabs in my time and so have my friends.  Especially Big Mertha.  And then Big Mertha came bursting in and jumped head first out into thin air and grabbed a loose piece of cotton.  She swung down and with her long handled paddle, slammed six f*#kers dead.  “Thanks Big Mertha.”  Jimbo said in kind.  “It’s my pleasure kid, I love a good rumble, but mostly I came for the view.”  The war was ferocious, but by the end all of the Crab like Lice had been squashed, cut open or sent sailing to their death.  Only one of Mum’s friends had died, but she was 102 and died of natural causes.  (NB: No loving friendly Fleas were harmed during this story).

“Thanks Mum,” Jimbo said as he gave her a big hug.  “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Well son, this life is for living, but next time you invite a skanky whoar into your bed, make sure she’s Christian or maybe a Jew, they’re usually pretty well off.  Anyway, we’re off home to Reggie and if you need us, just bite your human’s dick again.  That guy sure does have a set of lungs on him.”

So Jimbo lived his life and realized that there is more to life then herbs and the bible,  on a Wednesday he would play shuffleboard with his mum and her friends, on Friday nights Jimbo would offer himself to all of the less fortunate fleas who lived on those f*#king annoying Jack Russels and on Sunday nights Jimbo would curl up with a good book that wasn’t the good book.

All in all, life was good and Jimbo lived a long life and eventually he even fell in love, but that is another story!

Oh and then he died in the Jizz Flood of 2012; such is life!

____________________________________________________________________