Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

Quite a while ago, not terribly far away…………..NUT WARS!

Ballsout Starcrapper was the toughest, most valiant Clone Trooper in the entire Republic, plus he has an IQ of about 45.

This never waned his resolve though; Ballsout was always prepared to do what no other Clone Trooper would do.

Firstly, I would be remiss not to tell you a little about this brave soldier and about his roots, in which I refer to his Republic file.  

Name: Harry ‘Ballsout’ Starcrapper

ID No.: 00000000000000000000½

Rank: Corporal  

Sex: Never

Home Address: The Hottest F*#king part of Tatooine

Family: Sex craved Aunty Lydia (who just so happens to be a Tusken Raider)

Weapons Skills: Can shoot in a primarily forward direction (Never allowed to hold a Lightsaber after the Jedi Academy incident of 19 BSW4)

Driving Skills: Unable to differentiate left from right unless by accident; can ride Alderaanian Chipmunks

Special Skills: Can talk to or appear to talk to the Chipmunks

Reason for NickName: He has excessively large testicles and, well…….they hang out sometimes.

Commanding Officer: Admiral D’sex Origan

This particular story is about how Ballsout became a hero of the Republic

“Ballsout, front and center!”  Admiral D’sex yelled out to the Ditzy Corporal

“At the same time Admiral?” Came the response.

“Come here and stand in front of me you f*#king Kessel Cretan.”

“Yes Sir.”  Ballsout answered proudly.  “I am half Kesselian Admiral by the way, how did you know?”

The Admiral ignored Ballsout while the bridge of his Warship the ‘Shafter’ was crumbling around them in flames.  “Ballsout, it is just you and me left and we have to get past that blockade, get down to the planet of Buma Chuma and rescue Princess No’nickas, kill all of the invading Separatist droids, capture the Separatist leader, ‘SwollenNut’ and escape back to the safety of Coruscant.”

“Just point the way to go Admiral and could you help me tie my shoelaces.”

The Admiral looked down at the Corporals laceless boots.  “You aren’t wearing any shoelaces Corporal!”

“Well then Admiral I hope my pants don’t fall down, let’s go.”

The Admiral refused to respond and simply ran toward the escape vessel with Ballsout.  (Ballsout was following him; he didn’t have his balls out, but I hope you already assumed that)  Then D’sex pushed Ballsout in and got in just in time to initiate the release and blast in to space before the ‘Shafter’ exploded.

As they flew off D’sex looked back at his trusty ship with a tear in his eye.  “I’ve shafted more black holes with that ship then I’ve gone on blind dates with Bespin escorts; it is a sad day for deep space exploration!!!”

The vessel approached the blockade and just before the Admiral was about to manipulate his way through the droid warships Ballsout slipped on a used condom?? And fell on the Admirals crotch with his legs straddling D’sex’s head.  “Get off me you fool.” D’sex yelled.  Ballsout struggled to move but his helmet was stuck between the drive joystick and the coffee percolator.  The vessel spun violently as laser fire shot all around them and as D’sex tried to get his face out of Ballsout’s crotch he said in desperation, no matter what happens you f*#king idiot, do not get your ballsout or my name will become my destiny.  

Ballsout did not know what the Admiral meant, but he just assumed it had something to do with his twig and berries.  Threats to Ballsout usually had something to do with his penis or testicles.  Ballsout then lifted his hand to try and un-wedge himself and he got his glove caught on a button.  Laser fire shot out from their vessel and Admiral D’sex almost crapped his pants.  “What the f*#k.”

It took at least another two minutes before D’sex could get Ballsout off.  The two men were exhausted and both felt like a cigarette but instead they checked their position.  D’sex couldn’t believe it; they were through the blockade and his rear scanners showed that all enemy ships were destroyed.  “Good job Ballsout………”  the Admiral paused before completing his sentence.  “…………………lets just never explain how we did what we just did!”

“So we don’t tell anyone about the accidental evasion of the enemy or the crotches in each others faces?”

“NEITHER!”  The Admiral snapped and Ballsout just shut the f*#k up and sucked his thumb all the way to the surface of Buma Chuma.

Admiral D’sex found a nice patch of dirt to land and came down like a schoolgirl sneaking in to her room at three in the morning; quiet and softly!

“Allright Ballsout, let’s do this thing.”  The Admiral and Ballsout exited the ship to find that they were surrounded by oversized nasty looking Chipmunks.

“Well f*#k me sideways and call me your grandma, it looks like we’re at an end Corporal.”

Ballsout knew just what to do.  He walked forward with his hand up and spoke in an array of clicks and chirps (D’sex had forgotten that Ballsout could communicate with chipmunks).  This went on for about five minutes and the Chipmunks seemed to listen intently.  Then Ballsout turned to D’sex.  “They will help us save the Princess No’nickas and to capture SwollenNut as he enslaves them and eats crushed nuts in front of them.”

“Yes, I can see how that could be offensive,” said D’sex.  “No one likes to see their nuts crushed on a platter being eaten in front of them; that should just never happen to anybody or to any Chipmunks.”

This is a Star Wars Fan intermission – ‘Yes, I am fully aware that the outfit that Ballsout is wearing is a Biker Scout’s and that armour was not shown until Return of the Jedi, which is about 25-30 years after this story is set, however, I have not mentioned in the story and will not since I am telling you now that this is the first Biker Scout suit off the assembly line and Ballsout is the test dummy for it.  Darth Vader always tests every upgrade of uniform/body armour before it goes into full assembly due to the costs of running off 500,000 suits of armour and then realizing that the integrity is just not up to par; not that it ever does any good, the goodies don’t wear any armour and they never F*#kin’ get shot.  I mean, Han Solo has never been shot, even when a hundred stormtoopers were shooting at him, but he seemed to hit a few of the f*#kers with out much problem did he.  I think their armour is made of f*#king rayon or something ‘cause those f*#kers go down the first time every time’.

Anyway, I digest (see what I did there Blue Harvest fans), the castle where No’nickas was being held was guarded by about twenty rancors and was armed with about thirty cannons.  Nutsucker, the Chipmunk leader who Ballsout was riding was eager to go!  Two hundred Chipmunks were lined up behind Nutsucker, Ballsout and Admiral D’sex who was riding Lady Cleetoris, Nutsuckers usually elusive mate.  The sun was rising against their backs and the Ballsout gave a speech to inspire the men….I mean Chipmunks.  I will translate for you ‘Chipmunks, I am just a man, a man with large hairy testicles.  Some say that they are the biggest balls in the Galaxy, yet some Wookies refute that claim.  I ask of you what my superiors ask of me; go out there and f*#k up the bad guys and do it, not for glory, not for riches & not for sex!  Do it for your NUTS.’  At that Ballsout raised his hand in the air and screamed.  This prompted the two hundred strong army of Chipmunks to charge.  I won’t bore you now with the details of the battle, but I will tell you that some good f*#king Chipmunks died that day.  Well, actually only one died…….of old age, but it was still a bloody good battle.  The Rancors were actually distant relatives of the Chipmunks and turned on their oppressive bitch droid slaves and the castle was taken down in a matter of seconds; 69 to be exact.  Admiral D’sex Origan rode up to Ballsout.  “This day will be remembered Ballsout; not just because of this victory, but because it was proven that even a stupid fool can use his big balls to save the day.”

Ballsout then looked up to the tower and saw the evil SwollenNut carrying No’nickas to a spaceship.  “It’s not over yet Admiral.”  Then Ballsout literally got his balls out, he pulled down his pants and stripped off his armour and jumped onto a catapult.  “Could you do the honors Admiral.”  Then D’sex pulled the lever to launch the catapult and Ballsout shot through the air with his massive nuts swinging in the breeze.  Ballsout grabbed the top of his ball sack and started swinging it around and around like a lasso as he flew through the air.  Ballsout cleared the roof and SwollenNut was shocked to see such large nuts slam into his face.  “Yuck, salty!”  SwollenNut said as he spat out the ball sweat that had entered his mouth.  No’nickas had jumped aside just in time, but secretively she wished……………….hmmm…………..should I?................ah f*#k it, she wished that that sweat was all over her face and that she was a piñata. Too far????

No’nickas then watched in shock and awe and horror and some more shock as SwollenNut pulled out his swollen nut; he had only one since he was from Unitesticland (it’s a small planet! They don’t get out much.)

Then it was on like Donkey Kong!!! Ballsout and SwolleNut were slapping those nuts around like two 80 year old homosexuals trying something new and edgy.  Ballsout whacked SwolleNut in the face again just as he was swallowing.  This threw the Seperatist leader off balance and Ballsout took the opportunity to do his special spin technique.  He spun in a circle as quickly as possible and every time SwollenNut tried to penetrate his defences, Ballsouts nuts would deflect the attack. Finally, Ballsout got up enough speed and he let go of his ball sack slack and his gigantic nuts smacked SwollenNut in the head so hard that his tentacles got wrapped in Ballsouts testicles and then was being swung around and around and around.  His tentacles then slipped free of the testicles and he flew across the roof top and landed on a cylindrical object protruding from the ground; I don’t think I have to tell you how SwollenNuts ass felt the next morning.  Admiral D’sex then burst through the doors and ran onto the roof just as SwollenNut reached for his blaster and was about to shoot Ballsout, even though his ass was impaled on a dildoesk object and the pain was bitter sweet.  D’sex then raised his own blaster and fired, tearing a hole through SwollenNuts Swollen Nut.  The evil Separatist wailed in pain and dropped his blaster.

Then D’sex blew the smoke away from his blaster and said something cool like.  “D’sex by name….De sex by nature!”

Then Ballsout went to the Princess and helped her to her feet.  “Are you ok Princess No’nickas?”

“I’m horny!”  And then she kissed Ballsout passionately.  Ballsout believed that he was finally going to get some and the Admiral then tapped him on the shoulder.  “Excuse me Corporal.”

“Yes Admiral.”  Ballsout relplied.  

“Admiral?”  No’nickas asked.  “Hmmm.”

Need I say more readers………alright fine.  Princess No’nickas went and had freaky sex with Admiral D’sex while Ballsout had to help SwollenNut off of the cylindrical object and into the ship to take him back to the Republic.  The Chipmunks found their nuts and had a seven day Nut fest (and trust me, a seven day Nut fest is a good thing).  So everybody got what they deserved in the end, especially SwollenNut; except Ballsout of course, who is still a virgin…….but that…. is another story!  Da Da Dadada Da Da, Dadada Da Da Dum Dum Dum Dum – P.S. During the seven day nut fest, Nutsucker never did find Lady Cleetoris!!

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