Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

Chuck Bird – notorious gangster, devout Christian, overeater and most offensively; has turrets.

‘Good morning Chuck’ I would say as he left his apartment and wandered almost aimlessly down the hall to the stairs that led to the back garage where his soft top Audi awaited.

‘Good f*#kin’, ass lickin’, butt munchin, morning Capt. Mal’ he would say in return.  And then all of a sudden his turrets would kick in.

‘You take the good you take the bad, you get them both and there you have the fact of life….the facts of life’

Yes ladies and gentlemen Chuck has ‘The Facts of Life –Turrets’.

It is an accursed violation of the soul and the devil himself must have put it there.

‘I’m sorry Capt.’ Mal’ Chuck would say and then he would sit on a step and sob.  Every morning I would go and sit with him and pat him on the back and make sure that he knows that I am not offended.  ‘Tootie never vacuumed under the rug’ he would say and then his sobs would turn into loud and offensively repetitive comments about the beautiful hair stylings of Blair.  Chuck was heading for a nervous breakdown.  ‘Ball sucking come sucker’ Chuck cursed before shouting out ‘Edna Garrett loves puppies’

I mean, really, what the f*#k can you do about this sort of [email protected]?  Poor Chuck thought that the only thing that he had to do to get over this horrible affliction was to accept his destiny.  He had to return to his childhood and find the source of his affliction.

“Natalie is just big boned.”  Chuck sobbed and then I helped him down to his car.

“Where are you going Chuck?”  I asked anxiously as I was very concerned for the oversized, yellow, freaky looking seven and a half foot tall bird.

F*#k Capt. Mal, isn’t it obvious?  I have to go back to f*#kin’ Poppyseed Lane (see what I did there??); it’s the place I grew up.”

I then offered to go with him and Chuck Bird accepted graciously.

“Eastland School rocks!”  Chuck said as we got into his car and drove to Poppyseed Lane.

I had to sit in the trailer since Chuck was such a fat MoFu (oh and by the way, this is probably a very good time to talk to you about this f*#king slang that has been produced ‘MoFo’ – there is no O in F*#k you MORONS, so from now on please say MoFu, it just makes sense).  So we hit Poppyseed lane and we see a green weird MoFu in a trash can and Chuck calls out ‘Hey Occy, where’s my sister [email protected]?’ and the weird green dude named Occy just calls out ‘Oh Sh!t birds’ and dives inside his trashcan.  Then a little further along a red monster with a childlike voice wanders past and sees Chuck and myself and freaks out yelling ‘Holy f*#king sh!t my christ’ and jumps through a window, shattering the glass and getting a piece wedged into his left butt cheek.  ‘I don’t know what is wrong with Occy and Almo, but something very freakin’ f*#kin’ weird is going on.’  Chuck said, followed by ‘Jo Polniaczek is soft on the inside’.  ‘I think your Turrets is getting worse Chuck, perhaps we are getting closer to the source of your emotional turmoil.’

‘I C*#ting hope so’.  The fat f*#k of a bird sobbed.

Then all of a sudden he stopped the car and saw something that made his feathers stand on end.  It was [email protected] Bird, his sister.

[email protected] Bird was Huge, but not as huge as Chuck.  She had a very mean look about her and had a holstered gun hanging around her fat gut.

Chuck got out and stood opposite [email protected]  I watched in bizarre amazement, eager to find out what the f*#k was going on.

‘Hello Chucky.”  [email protected] said.  ‘Why did you come back you dirty @ss plunger.’

‘I have a problem and I need closure.’

‘You can’t let it go can you?’  [email protected] squinted just like Clint.

‘Let go of what?’

‘Don’t f*#k with me Chuck, you’re pissed because Mum used to let me sit up and watch The Facts of Life and you had to go to bed because you were younger and they didn’t like you as much as they liked me and then when you got old enough to stay up, it was season 8 and Mrs Garrett had left and the show had then died in the ass.  You resented me for that and ever since you left Poppyseed Lane, I’ve been carrying this piece around with me waiting for you to come back to kill me.’

Chuck looked into [email protected]’s eyes and a weight lifted from his shoulders.  All of his life he had repressed these feelings and they had now surfaced.

He had the closure he was looking for…….Almost.  Chuck pulled a knife from his back pocket (it’s a feather pocket so you can’t see it unless you are really looking hard) and he dove at [email protected] Bird.  [email protected] drew her gun but quickly realized that it was made of rubber and his best friend Sniffajiffijuice must have swapped it. ‘F*#king imaginary elephant’ [email protected] thought as the knife plunged into her chest.  Chuck was relentless with his attack and kept striking [email protected] over and over all the while singing ‘You take the good you take the bad you take ‘em both and there you have the Facts of life…the Facts of life’.

Life ebbed from the [email protected] Bird, but she was not to give up without a fight.  She searched the ground and found a rotting fish (?????) she then struck Chuck in the head with it and Chuck cried out.  “You f*#king @ssh*le, I’m going to end you, you yellow f*#kin’ oversized pigeon.

Meanwhile, I was still sitting in the car and somehow I was now eating popcorn.  I watched as the two siblings battled royally and viciously.  After about an hour I finally noticed something; Chuck had not said a quote from The Facts of Life for about forty minutes.

‘Chuck,’ I called out.  ‘I think you are cured!!!!!’  Suddenly, Chuck and [email protected] stopped fighting and Chuck realized that I was right; he had come full circle and let out all of his anger and resentment and now he was free.  [email protected] helped Chuck to his feet and they both hugged a deep meaningful Siblings hug and said their goodbye’s and then Chuck wedged his fat feathery ass back in the car.

Before we drove off, [email protected] called out to her brother.  ‘Will I see you again brother, now that we have settled things?’

Chuck then started the car, turned up the radio, gave his sister the finger and said.  ‘I’d rather drink the sweat of Birt and Arnie’s hairy testicles you @ss licking junkie.’  Then we drove off, leaving Poppyseed Lane behind us and all of the pain was now gone from Chuck’s heart.  So next time you watch Poppyseed Lane, think of Chuck and [email protected] and remember that if you ever repress anything then you may just end up having a knife fight with a [email protected] fat bird.  It sounds like fun in theory, but you just wait until you get pinned down by a fat bird and slapped around by a nasty smelly fish until you realize that the Facts of Life are not all that they are cracked up to be!  That kind of reality ain’t fun!!! It just ain’t fun at all!!! Trust me………

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