Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

I ain’t no Albert Schweitzer, Einstein or Brooks, but I’ll give the age old question of ‘Which came first’ a go; I guess all I can do is f*#k it up and then hopefully it will just be funny instead of definitive.  Anyway to answer the question of ‘Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg is not something I take too freakin’ f*#kin’ lightly.  So I figure that to decide upon which came first, one must reach into ones commercialized beaten down soul to find the answer.  Firstly though I need you to answer a question for me (actually it’s rhetorical, which is a bit presumptuous of me to think that you were going to answer the question even before I ask it, but I guess I just know that instinct will always ask us to answer questions or think about what has been said to us; it is usually unavoidable, even if it is rhetorical.  For eg. (sorry, I should write ‘example’ instead of ‘eg.’ Since this story is about an egg, I don’t want you all to lose focus and get off of the f*#king point which is exactly what I am doing right now.  Anyway, if someone says “Hey you, think about a pair of breasts.”  Then you will most likely be immediately thinking about a pair of breasts, whether they be your own or your wife’s or Anne Hathaway’s or your high school Biology teachers………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. …………………………sorry, I was just thinking about breasts for a minute there.)  O.K. back to the cow and the dolphin, no wait, wrong story, the chicken and the egg; so my rhetorical question is ‘Is it Creationism or Evolution that you believe in?’  I believe that if you believe in just one then you are probably not thinking hard enough or you are thinking too hard and if it is either then you probably require a very stiff slap to the face or on the ass, whatever takes your fancy.  You see the most likely truth would be that you are both right, oooooooohhhhhhh shock horror!  This actually reminds me of a joke “A Christian and a scientist go into a bar and both ask for a beer.  The barman says, ‘It’s not often that I see a Christian and a scientist sitting together having a beer’ and the scientist says, well we finally came to a resolution about the beginning of time and life’ the bartender seems a little surprised and asks what the resolution is ‘Well you see I spent three days explaining a scientific algorithm to the good Christian here about how life was created from a big bang.’ ‘Yes’ said the Christian ‘And I spent three days telling the good scientist here about Gods awesome power and ability to create whatever, however he so chooses.’  ‘So what’s the resolution’ the bartender asked.  ‘We both realized that we just wasted six days talking about what has already been and gone so we made a resolution to get drunk and extremely laid and pretend that just for this evening that the Muslims got it right.”

Alright, so it’s not so much a joke as a poignant representation of how humans will never all agree upon one thing.  Of course even though a large amount of Muslims believe in Evolutionary Creationism, many do not.  So even within a religious community, beliefs these days are all f*#ked up with no real comprehensive sh!t going on.

Now Evolutionary Creationism is my belief!  And whether you believe in God, Midiclorians, Buddha, Some whacked out alien dude or what ever the f*#k, let’s just call her God for now.  You see God could go and hide dinosaur bones and sh!t in the dirt to challenge our faith, but, well, don’t be f*#kin’ stupid.  God created life and all the stars and Mynock that roam the Galaxy and then allowed it to evolve possibly with some further assistance.  Thus at some point, somehow an egg formed and a chicken popped the f*#k out of it.  Now if creationism was the way to go then obviously, God would just snap his fingers and say things like ‘Chicken’ and a chicken would be standing there saying to itself, ‘F*#k yeah and now I’m going to lay and egg, but that just seems to me to be bit too f*#kin’ wishy washy and presumptuous of people who read the Bible and think that it is all literal.  I’m sorry but that freakin’ f*#in’ book ain’t literal!!  For one thing, Goliath was a giant and we ain’t never ever found no giant bones.  The other thing is this Mary chick.  She tells her husband that she’s pregnant and it isn’t his baby, it’s Gods, and he just says, oh I believe you darling lets wander the desert now and have the baby in a f*#in’ barn; I don’t f*#kin think so.  That guy would be all, “Who’s this God b!#ch; why are you dissin’ me, I work all day at the hay packing plant and come home and you telling me that you got a headache, but really you out with some dude named God all day messin’ around.’………………….anyway, I’d say I’m going to hell for that.  Sorry if I just offended anyone, but please believe me that anything I do say is not really based on fact, but it is based on my desire to get a point across to you.  Life is too short to be all fighting about how sh!t came to be; alright I know that it’s our human instinct to kill for land or women or oil or power, but eventually I hope that we all just stop and say, ah f*#k it, let’s go get a beer and get laid and eat some f*#kin’ chicken with a side order of eggs and not even care that the chicken crossed the road because there was a spunky looking Rooster on the other side worth a root.

So have a nice day and just remember to think about nice luscious breasts!

P.S. if you didn’t quite catch my answer through the entire soap box rambling, the f*#king Egg came first o.k! Now…think about BREASTS!!!!

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