Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

Folks, I have been asked by the moderator to explain this partly drunk bottle of Schwippees (see what I did there) Soda Water??!!  And here it goes………………..

Xombert, apart from having an unfortunate name handed down to him by his alcoholic Mother who then adopted him out to a lovely Irish family, was an unfortunate man!  He grew up in Ireland and later moved to a nondescript location where he gained employment at Schwippees bottling factory.  In this particular town Schwippees was the reason that the town existed.  Almost all of the township worked there and owed their lives to its hefty popularity.  Xombert however did not care too much for the goings on of the town; not because he did not care, but because he found himself not being capable of caring.  Xombert was the closest thing to being a recluse that there was without him actually being a recluse.  Xombert stayed in his house every weekend, every morning before work, every afternoon after work and on every public holiday.  He would leave his home at exactly 7.53am and walk three kilometers to the Schwippees factory where he would check in at 8.25am and would visually check every bottle that past his station to make certain that they all were filled correctly and labeled correctly.  Xombert never faltered!  At 12.00 sharp every day he would leave his post while his lunchtime replacement would take over for exactly 27 minutes until he returned.  During that time Xombert would eat a cheese sandwich – no butter, he would drink a half a glass of orange juice and would then progress to a couch in the employees lounge that was rarely occupied at that time of day since most employees took there lunch at 12.30.  While sitting in this lounge for approx. 16 minutes he would take out a picture of the very beautiful Dutch actress Famke Janssen and he would just look at her.  Xombert had what he would call an acute devotion to the actress; anyone else though would say he was seriously obsessed.  Xombert had saved his money over the years and was finally coming close to being able to afford a very special gift for himself; a lifesize rubber doll of Famke Janssen!  It would be the closest thing to real that he ever thought he could have.  No other woman ever caught Xomberts attention, actually he always tended to avert his eyes away from anyone who would cross his path.  Xombert had no friends and had no desire for friends.

Two years ago a new girl from accounting did not know of Xomberts quirks and approached him to ask him for directions.  Xombert then freaked out and had a minor fit, sh!t his pants and fell to the floor and was knocked unconscious.  Nobody touched him and the girl quickly retreated back to accounting scared out of her wits.  After two years, nobody had spoken to him except for his boss who appreciated Xombert for his accurate devotion to the job and just left him to it.

On May 11 though, a change was in the air.  Xombert did not know what was different about the day, but he had goose bumps all the way to work.  When he arrived nothing was different however when it came time for lunch he was seriously concerned about the fact that Wilson the temporary lunch replacement was not there at 12.00 sharp.  At 12.01 and 15 seconds somebody else entered his work space; somebody very different yet, surprisingly familiar.  Xombert then broke his golden rule, he looked up into the replacements eyes.  It was a woman, a beautiful woman with dark hair and a striking face, she had pure white teeth and a glowing complexion.  Xombert was staring into the eyes of a woman whom looked almost exactly like Famke Janssen!!!  Xombert looked away quickly and went to leave, but the woman touched him on the shoulder and said.  “It’s my first day; could you please give me a run down on my role?”  Well folks, I think you know what happened.  Xombert shook and tensed up and sh!t his pants and fell epileptically to the floor.  He hit his head and went into a half comatose state.  He could see things going on around him, but he was too overwhelmed to do anything.  Xombert expected the woman to run away and call an ambulance and never come back…………..he was wrong.  Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you a minor detail that I suppose has some bearing on this part of the story.  Xombert was a Leprechaun, of course everyone just thought him to be a little person, but no, he was a Leprechaun.  His Mother was the Queen of the Leprechauns and died of liver failure at the ripe old age of seven hundred and six.  Xombert was actually the next in line for the throne, but he did not know about this situation since he was adopted away from the Leprechaun Guildship.

Anyway back to the story; Xombert watched helplessly as the Famke look alike picked him up and carried him to the employee showers.  She stripped him, washed him, was heard saying “damn that’s a big penis for such a small guy”, dried him off, found him some new green overalls and then took him to the employee lounge.  After three hours of the Famke look alike sitting with Xombert, he finally came around and spoke to her.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, what’s your name?”

“Xombert Smith.”

The woman then did something even more strange and got down quickly on the ground and bowed to him.  “Oh it is you my King.  I have searched this retched land for decade in hope that one day I would find you and bring you back to your throne. I am Famkena, the Elvin Princess of your Ireland!”

Xombert just stared at her for a while and then spoke wisely.  “I think I’m going to sh!t myself again.”

“You are Xombert MacCockring heir to the throne of the Leprachaun Guildship.  Your people rule the land and all of the Guilds of this world beyond the human’s narrow sight.  What say you King?”

“I think some poo just dribbled out, just a little bit though!”

“It seems this land has made you weak and mindless my King, take this ring, it is your birthright.”  Famkena handed him the ring and Xombert reluctantly took it while clenching his Butt Cheeks intensely together.  He eyed it and he felt somewhat comfortable with it.  Xombert put the ring on and everything changed.  In an instant, Xombert saw the history of his people, including all of the wars, the peaceful times, the orgies, the lessons learnt, no wait go back to the orgies – damn! It won’t go back, the beautiful land that is protected, the gold riches of the Leprachauns and the fact that he Was the King of all that is Mythical to Humans.

“But how could this be, I am but a mere bottle inspector, raised by a simple family, how could this be?”

“Your Mother was a drunken f*#king idiot, but she was Queen and we had to respect her wishes, but now she is dead and your people need you back.”

Xombert then felt the pride and the inspiration of his responsibilities.  “I will go back with you Famkena, I will be King!”

“Good, because I am to be your Queen.”  Xombert then fell epileptically to the floor and knocked himself out but not before excreting out everything that was left inside.

Famkena then repeated her duty and undressed and bathed the King; but this time…….she sucked him off.

What can I say, a girl has to know what she’s getting herself into

When Xombert awoke he felt a little strange and definitely lighter on his feet, he felt more confident and more alive.  He actually was able to speak to Famkena without sh!tting himself of passing out.  But, he was feeling very f*#king dehydrated after all of that diarrhea.  So Xombert went back to the bottling line which was still going unchecked and grabbed a bottle off of the line, he took a long sip, accidentally backwashed in it, and put it back on the conveyor belt.  He watched as the bottle sped off to be capped and packed and thought to himself; I wonder what sorry son of a bitch will wind up with that bottle, especially since Xombert had a brutal case of Oral Herpes.  Xombert MacCockring and Famkena Toitbot then began their journey back to Ireland and onto Xomberts brave new future.

But that is another story………………………………………….Oh and by the way, Famkena was definitely liking every inch of her husband to be and Xombert cancelled the life size replica of Famke Janssen; he spent the money on ‘Depends’ instead, can’t go sh!tting on velvet now can we.

Oh and guess who ended up with that bottle of Soda Water; yep, the moderator, might want to get that lip checked dude.

Til next time, to be sure, to be sure!  Happy St Patricks Day!!!

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