Captain Mal Explains

So, where has Captain Mal beenfor 2 years, 2 months & 13 days?

{Good question reader...you arevery perceptive and must be an avid Capt Mal fan, thank you and you willreceive your new Capt Mal Showbag in the mail: contents include a sweet potato,a bag of mixed nuts, two cotton balls & a red faxed stamp...oh and anoversized picture book from the movie Twilight; basically it’s a bunch ofshit that I don’t want.}

Abducted by Aliens is the shortanswer!

Did you want the long answer?

I assume you do...hmmm, where tobegin.....A long time ago, 2 years, 2 months & 13 days ago to be exact, Iwas planting carrots in my vege garden.....ok, well I stuck a carrot in theground while I was drunk thinking that it might multiply.......It didn’t,so ten minutes later I ate it while drinking another glass of Schnapps madefrom Peach and singing that Lady Gaga song that has the words ‘Ooh ah oohGaga’ in it, but they’re the only words I know so I pretty much wasjust sitting in the mud while it rained, eating a dirty carrot and singing OohGaga while downing my 8th Peach Schnapps.....I don’t eventhink I was in my own yard, I think I was in Mrs Henderson’s yard.....shehas nice cumquats..........you heard me!

Anyway, where have I been?

So I was sitting in MrsHenderson’s Cumquat patch picking dirt and carrot out of my teeth aboutto pass out.....I had fallen back flat and was staring up at the stars (the rain had passed by this time).  It was a moonless night and Mrs Henderson’sis somewhere north/west of CockWash so there wasn’t much around as far ascities go so it was dark!

Why was I in CockWash? Well quite simply I thought they may have a few aromatic suggestions.....

So it was dark and I was lookingup at the stars and I thought I saw a star move.  My vision was a bitblurry but I was certain that it moved.  I rubbed my eyes and all that didwas get mud and carrot in them so I sat up and tried rubbing them on my sleevebut my sleeve had soy sauce all over it from an incident earlier in the eveningthat involved a Japanese blind man, a pack of marshmallows and a bottle of soysauce that was wedged between a large breasted policewoman.........I’mnot sure if any photos of this were taken, so I may never be explaining thatstory to you but simply I can just say, never doubt a horny blind man’saccuracy & you should never flinch unless you want to cop one!

After rubbing my eyes with theother sleeve that actually was ripped off my shirt and was in my back pocketbecause earlier that evening......um, nevermind or I’ll never get to thef#cking aliens.

I sat up and finally had cleareyes; I looked back up into the dark sky and saw nothing.  The blue movingstar was gone, actually all the f#cken stars were gone.  I thought I wasstill asleep so I pinched myself on my left nut and then slapped myself forbeing so stupid because it f#cken hurt.  Anyway, there were no stars for avery good reason; a spaceship was now hovering about two meters over the top ofthe Henderson’s roof.  Before I could say ‘F#ck me sidewaysand with a pound of leg ham’ I was sucked up by a sudden bright light.

I couldn’t remember muchafter that for at least 24 hours; or at least for what I thought was 24 hoursbut ended up being 2 years, 2 months & 12 days.  I woke up one morningand I was standing in a sailor’s outfit...yes like the one that Popeyewears, I had a babies bonnet on, I had a pair of seal skin boots on my feet, myleft nut had finally dropped, someone had pierced my ears and I had pink hoopson, my beer gut was gone and I now had a six pack, my arse was sore so I lookedat it in a nearby mirror and there was a tattoo of Chuck Norris on my rightbutt cheek and I hadn’t shaved for what looked like 2 years, 2 months and12 days!

I looked around and it seemed thatI was on the spaceship that had sucked me up on that fateful night and when Ilooked out of a porthole I realised that I was going home.  We werespeeding toward Earth and heading not back to CockWash, but back to my realhome.  I then called out ‘Can I have my clothes back if you’redropping me home’  but there was no response!  I then calledout over and over again to try to get someone’s attention but no onecame.  The room was empty except for a very large chair so I went over andkicked the chair tring to get someone’s attention and it did.

A door slid open behind me andstanding there was none other then .......Chuck Norris!

‘Chuck Norris’ Isaid in shock ‘What are you doing on a spaceship?’

‘Simple question...’Chuck said in his husky tones ‘But not such a simple answer.  What Ican tell you though Capt Mal, is that you are one interesting dude and one dayI will call upon you to help me save the Earth!!!’

‘Save the Earth! Wow, I’d be honoured, but what help will you need from me?’

‘Trust me, when I call you....youwill know!’

And then without warning ChuckNorris roundhouse kicked me in the head and I woke up in my bed and the nextday Uncle...I mean Aunty Neville dropped by for a picnic and some weird shitwith a f#*king Koala Bear happened.

So that’s my story andalthough you don’t have to believe me, I know that one day Chuck Norriswill call....and I will abide!

So Reader, enjoy your sweetpotato...I have chosen one that particularly tastes like freedom...

Capt Mal out!