Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said.......

Hi bloggers,

Time for a another poem?

Why the f*#k not I say!!

'There once was a man named Dunk

Who loved to get f*#ken drunk

When he'd go for a pee

he'd go to his bottle tree

And he'd p!ss all over the trunk

And there once was a girl named Regina

who loved to sit in her recliner

she would have a drink

and then start to think

about sticking a bottle in...............with her china'

Hah!  You dirty [email protected]@rds; you thought i was going to say [email protected]!na didn't you.  You dirty, dirty [email protected]@rds!!!!!

And that is why I love each and every one of you!!!!!!

anyway

'So one day Dunk got drunk

and Regina went to a diner

they met in the street

Regina wanted to eat

after Dunk f*#ked her [email protected]!na'

Hah!  Now you all thought that I wasn't going to say [email protected]!na and I did.

Yeah, that is cool!!!

Well, I would say more about this picture but really, it is just a f*#king tree with bottles on it.

And Mal said.......

Sue woke up in a sudden and shockingly terrifying way.  She screamed and then yelled out in pain and realised that she was in a hospital bed.  "Where am I?"  She said in a daze as a nurse came running into the room.

"You are in hospital.  You were left on our doorstep at 2am this morning without any clothes on and you had a note attached to your backside.

"What the F*#k?!!?  Where's the note?"

The nurse pointed to the side table.  "I'll leave you alone to read that."

Sue then rolled over and grabbed the note and noticed that most of her pain came from her @ss.  Sue read the note!

'Hi Sue, sorry I have to ditch you like this but our house is on fire and I have to get back so that I can explain the dead Kangaroo.  I also have to untie Sister Josephine just in case the fire reaches the shed.  love you and sorry again for the sore @ss.  Dougy.'

Sue then realized that her memory must be screwed up because she couldn't remember any of what's in the letter.  Kangaroo?  Sister Josephine? Fire?  What the f*#k happened and what the f*#k happened to my ass?????!!!!!

The nurse returned due to Sue's persistent pressing of the call button.  "Yes, are you ok?"

"No, has a doctor looked at my @ss?"

"Many doctors have looked at your @ss this morning ma'am.....longingly; do you work out?"  The rather overweight and hagged nurse smiled and Sue hoped that the next thing to be said was not going to be 'Would you like a sponge bath?'

"I mean, does my doctor know why my ass is so sore?"

"Yes, you had a small hammer handle wedged up there when you were left downstairs."

"A Hammer....a f*#king hammer."

"Yes, the doctor had to also remove a few splinters, so I would predict that your ass will be sore for a few days at least.  [email protected] may not be too hard though."

"Wow; can I leave?"

"You can, but i'm not sure if you'll get too far without any clothes or money."

"I just can't remember what happened to me and it's driving me f*#king insane."

The nurse felt sorry for Sue; possibly because she thought she was so f*#king attractive.  "I have an idea.  I am very good at hypnotherapy; would you let me hypnotize you to find out what happened to you last night."

Sue thought long and hard and decided to let the nurse have a crack at it.  "As long as you don't get me to cluck like a chicken or lick you out."

"I promise."  The nurse said with a disappointed tone.  She set it all up and had Sue sitting comfortably.  Instead of a watch the nurse had a stethoscope swinging back and forward.  "Just listen to my voice Sue, you are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, now lick my pu$y.."

"What the F*#k?"

"Just kidding."  The nurse giggled and then got on with the hypnotherapy.  "You are getting sleepy, sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.  Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to lick my pu$y?"

"No...um....maybe."

"Alright, we'll get back to that.  Now I want you to think back to yesterday, before anything strange happened.  What did you have for breakfast yesterday?"

"Chocolate!  I licked it out of my boyfriends as.."

"Wait, I don't think I want to hear anything about your sexual habits with your boyfried."

"..I was going to say 'my boyfriends aesthetically pleasing fondue set."

"Right!  Then what did you both do after breakfast."

"I sucked my boyfriends pen.."

"Wait..............oh f*#k it, go on."

"Pencil, while I thought about what to write on my Mothers birthday card."

"Alright, what happened next?"

"My boyfriend licked my nip....are you going to stop me?"

"No, i'm sure it will be innocent enough."

"Nipples, while he choked himself and then gave me a mushroom tattoo."

The nurse then wondered whether this girl was really under her control, or if she was just f*#king with her.  "Cluck like a chicken."

"Buckark."

"Alright fine, lets get back to yesterday and now i want you to move your mind past the nipple licking and tell me about what happened after all of the s#xual activity."

"I woke up here this morning with a sore @ss."

"Sh!t."  The nurse said and then realised that Sue then started straining as if she was taking a s#!t.  "Stop s#!tting."

"Too late, i'm finished."  The nurse only thought of how she brought this upon herself and considered getting Sue to clean up after herself before bringing her out of the hypnotherapy.  

"Alright then, go back to the nipple licking.  What happened after that?"

"Pu$$y licking."

"And then?"

"@ss licking."

"And then?"

"My boyfriend asked for chapstick."

"Now I want you to tell me about the rest of the day without taking a break unless i say so."

Sue then began the tale.  "After my boyfriend finished satisfying his belief that he was satisfying me we went to the shops to buy groceries, especially since we were out of chocolate.  We ran into the security guard Joshua Fingerf*#k..."

"Wait, the guards name is Fingerf*#k?"

"Yes, he changed it from Jones because he had an individuality complex and wanted to be different to everyone else and that meant not having a name that could be the same as anyone else.  Joshua told us that someone was stealing Baby Ruth candy bars from every shop that sold them and he was on the look out for the culprit.  So far there were no leads.  After we finished shopping, we went to the ladies toilet to f*#k.  A minute and a half later, we heard someone come in, so we waited until they were gone.  My boyfriend was curious so he stuck his head over the partition and saw the nun from our local church, Sister Josephine ripping wrappers off of Baby Ruth's and jamming them down her throat.  She didn't seem to be stopping either.  To prop himself up, my boyfriend had his foot on my leg and it started to hurt, so i slipped and my boyfriend fell through the door and almost scared Sister Josephine to death.  She threw the Baby Ruth's up in the air and they all dropped to the dirty pissed on floor.  But, although she was surprised by us, Sister Josephine jumped to the floor and started picking up the open bars and just before she jammed another one in her mouth, my boyfriend stopped her and picked her up.  "What the f*#k are you doing Sister?"

"I can't help it, i'm addicted to these sweet f*#king chocolate covered dreams.  I'm always looked at as a pillar of strength and every now and then i just get this hankering for a tasty f*#king Baby Ruth."

I looked at my boyfriend and he looked at me and we decided that we needed to help Sister with her addiction.  "What can we do to help you Sister?"

The Sister composed herself and licked her fingers and then stood up straight and answered in her proper voice.  "I do not need help!"

"I beg to differ."

We all turned to face the door to the toilet where securtiy guard Joshua Fingerf*#k was standing with his pepper spray.  "I have to take you in Sister."

"Oh Lord."  She said and tears started to well up.

"Wait."  I said.  "We can help her reform, you can't hand her into the police."

Joshua thought long and hard and finally lowered his spray.  He then realised that my boyfriend was in the ladies toilet.  "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Um, my girlfriend lost her earring and i was just helping her look for it."

"Right."  Joshua said unbelievingly.  "Alright, Do you think that you can help her?"

"We do."

Joshua Fingerf*#k then got a call about a man in the car park exposing himself to a dog tied up to a bike rack.  "I have to go, but if i see this Sister even near a Baby Ruth again, i'll take her down so hard that her new habit will be Baby Ruth the biker lesbian over at Wacol."

"You know what Joshua?"  I said with contempt.  "You really need a f*#k."

"Are you offering?"

"I don't do sympathy f*#ks, their bad for my orgasm consistency."

After leaving the shopping complex with Sister Josephine, my boyfriend suggested a technique of habit breaking that worked for him.  "We tie the Sister up to a chair in the shed and only feed her healthy tasty food and leave a Baby Ruth near her in a bowl full of dog sh!t."

It seemed a little f*#ked up, but what did we have to lose.  We couldn't let the Sister go to jail.  When we got home we went into the shed to set everything up and all of a sudden something jumped out of nowhere and kicked my boyfriend in the face.  The Sister and I hid behind the car and I grabbed a hammer for protection.  Whatever it was disappeared so i told the Sister to stay hidden I went to see what it was.  my boyfriend was unconscious; i pushed forward into the dark shed.  I could hardly see anything, but when the thing jumped at me i swung the hammer and i hit it in the head.

"Wait."  Yelled a voice from the door.  But it was too late.

Our room mate Dougy turned on the light and revealed a very f*#ed up scene.  It was a kangaroo lying dead on the floor.  "Oh sh!t."  I said in horror.  "I didn't mean to kill a kangaroo.  Why the f*#k is a kangaroo in our shed?"

"Um, I found it the other day out in the bush and there were hunters around.  I was worried that it would be killed as it had a joey in its pouch."

"Oh dear Lord."  Sister Josephine said.  "Where is the Joey?"

"It's at the vet getting checked over."  Dougy then looked at the Sister.  "Why is Sister Josephine here?"

"Chocolate addiction!"  I said.

"Chair treatment."  Dougy asked.

"Yup."

"Alright, how about I take Harry to the hospital and get his head looked at and you can look after the Sister."

"Um, does any of this seem just a little out of the ordinary to any of you?"  Sister Josephine asked humbly.

"You should visit on Halloween Sister."  I said.  "Thanks Dougy,"

So, Dougy took Harry, my boyfriend, to the hospital and i tied up Sister Josephine and put some Baby Ruth's in a bowl with some Kangaroo sh!t.  "Now Sister, i'm going to go up to the house and wait for Dougy to get back, i've left a cup with a straw next to you and i'll be back later to feed you some grapes and yoghurt alright."

"Your a sweet girl...........................can i have a Baby Ruth?"

"No sister."

"I'll do things to you that no man could possibly conceive."

"Ooh Snap."

Sister Josephine then shook her head vigorously.  "I'm sorry my dear, my habit really is cradled by the Devil.

"That's ok Sister, i've heard worse in my time."

half an hour later Dougy returned.  "He's alright but they are going to keep him overnight for observation.  How's the Sister?"

"That's one f*#ked up nun."

"Cool; i'm going to go and fix the bumper on the car.  On my way back from the hospital i hit a tree after perving on a girl in a bikini."

"Dougy, you know that if you want to see a hot girl in a bikini, you just have to ask."

Then Dougy smiled and i knew that he wanted me to get into my bikini and come and help him fix the car; so i did.  it's the least that i could do since i killed his Kangaroo.  So i got into my hot pink bikini and took Sister Josephine some grapes and yoghurt.  She offered me some sexual favors for a bite of a Kangaroo poo covered Baby Ruth, but i just fed her and left her there.  I then grabbed the hammer, just in case Dougy needed it.  When he saw me in my bikini, he got a little excited, but then grabbed the hammer off me and started work to take his mind off of my hot body.  when we finished the car Dougy had one last hit with the hammer to take out a dent, but when he struck the bumper the hammer got stuck between the bumper and the grill.  he pulled and pulled, but could not move it.  "Ah f*#k, could you help me Sue?"  So i did.  I kind of stood in front of Dougy and grabbed the hammers handle and Dougy put his arms around me.  "Ok, pull."  We heaved and heaved but I slipped on the pavement and fell down onto the hammer and it went straight up my ass.  I screamed and fell forward and Dougy fell backward and ripped off my bikini top and bottom trying to stop himself.  he did stop himself but then he fell forward and put his hands out to try to stop himself from falling on me and jamming the hammer further up my doight.  Oh God i was in pain.  The hammer was unwrenched from the bumper, but it was firmly jammed up my ass and Dougy tried to pull it out, but it just wouldn't come out without severely f*#king hurting me.  Dougy ran inside to get the keys to the house, so he could take me to the hospital and on his way out he kicked the heater.  As we were driving away from the house we saw the flames flickering out of the window.  meanwhile the pain i was feeling was so f*#king intense that i just passed out.  After that i assume that the note tells me the rest of the story."

"Alright, now after you wake up, you will remember all of that story.  Wake up."

"Ooh my Ass.  That really did hurt.  Thank you Nurse for helping me to remember.  is there anything i can do for you?"

The nurse thought about her long untouched Ginie, but decided that it was not proper for a nurse to ask such a thing.  "No, it's ok, just don't tell anyone i hypnotized you.  oh and if you cluck every time you cook some eggs, that will wear off after a few days."

"But wait, where's Harry?"

"Oh my head."  The nurse then pulled back the curtain to the bed next to Sue to reveal Harry.

"Until i heard your story, i didn't realise that this was your boyfriend."

"Sue, what are you doing hear?"

"Um........I'd rather not say, but as far as i know everything is alright."

Dougy then came to the door.  "Good Morning all you three."

"Three?"  Sue asked.

Dougy pulled the curtain opposite away to reveal Sister Josephine wearing a pink bikini with chocolate stains all over her face.

"What the f*#k happened last night Dougy?"  Sue asked.

"Well, the fire department couldn't save the house, but after i saved the Sister from the shed, she made a conscious decision to start losing weight until she looked as good as you in that binkini.  That's not Baby Ruth on her face, it's Gelati.  Where weaning her off chocolate.  Josephine and I.."

"Don't you mean Sister."

"Not anymore."  Josephine said.  "I never really wanted to be a Sister.  I actually wanted to be a pastry chef, but my mother was a nun and my mothers, mother...well, you get the drift."

"Josephine and I are going to go to Byron Bay to live and she's going to really live her life, yet still love God through pastry."

"Well, i suppose things worked out for everyone after all."  the Nurse said and left felling a little bit left out.

Sue then went over to Harry's bed.  "I'm so glad that you are alright."

"How 'bout a f*#k?"  Harry said anxiously as he pulled the curtain around.

"Alright, but not in the @ss, i'll tell you why later."

Nurse T!ttytw!ster sighed in the hallway as she listened to the four people going at it like rabbits and then a man walked up to her.  "Excuse me, my name is Joshua Fingerf*#k and I accidentally sprayed pepper spray all over my p#nis.  Can you help me because it really f*#king hurts."

The nurse then smiled and led him into an unoccupied room.  "You know the best thing for that is saliva."

"Really?  I thought just some cream."

"That too."

Meanwhile back at the burnt down house a fireman saw the car parked out back in front of the shed and called over his mates.  "Hey guys, look at the impression on this hood. 'You know what happened here' I bet some chick got severely hammered on that hood."

He then took a picture and sent it to Capt Mal.  Sorry anonymous fireman, but things don't always turn out the way we imagine them.

p.s. Sorry readers for such a long hiatus but if you are really too upset by this then you probably need to get laid or maybe eat a Baby Ruth and I don't mean a big tough lesbian convict.

And Mal said........

"So Charlie, where should we go for our anniversary this year?"  Beatrice asked her distracted husband of thirty years.

Charlie was watching the early morning weather program that had a cute little blonde girl with perky boobs talking about humidity and high temperatures.  "Um, is that coming up?"

"You old f*#king [email protected]@rd, we've been together for 46 years and you still can't remember our anniversary."

"I remembered last year didn't I, you cranky old hag?"

"Only because it clashed with your poker night, now where the f*#k are you taking me this year?"

Charlie looked blankly at his aged yet, still attractive wife of 46 years.  "Um, it's a surprise."

"Yeah, I know what surprise means to you; either you forgot, or your going to get your willy out and think that it will make everything alright."

Charlie then laughed.  "Well it does doesn't it?"

Beatrice grinned lightly.  "Well..........mostly.  But not this year!!  This year I want something different and interesting and maybe even adventurous.

Charlie tried not to show a look of feeling like he was f*#ked and simply said.  "It's all that and a bag of chips my dear wife."

'I'm f*#ked he thought to himself.'

all week Charlie concerned himself with what to do for their anniversary.  He thought about flowers, boat rides, restaurants, skydiving, jousting, rock bands & he even thought about taking her to a male revue; but nothing jumped out and said 'original'!

Then the morning before their anniversary, Charlie was looking through the paper and came across an ad for a new housing community that opened up down the road.  The paper said it was called 'Morning Wood'!  an unfortunate name but the thing that jumped out and grabbed Charlie was that an open day was coming up and they had a carnival.  The ad was very promising and Charlie new that it was the way to go.  They had pony rides, a ferris wheel, bumber cars, games, a concert and it was all on Friday Morning.  Charlie did not finish reading the ad; he was too excited.  He and his wife had not been to a carnival since the day they met 46 years ago.  Charlie threw the paper aside and picked up the phone.  He booked a horse and cart to take them to the carnival and a dozen yellow roses; Beatrice's favourites!  For the rest of the day, he moped around as if he was not excited to throw his wife off the trail; she was a sniffer dog for sh!t like this!  Beatrice always guessed what Charlie had planned for anniversary's, even the time he hired the fireman stripper, she was waiting at the door with a length of garden hose and a bottle of whipped cream.  But this time, Charlie knew he had the upper hand.

That evening he told his wife that he was too tired to have any s#x and he went straight to sleep, but not before hiding a very expensive necklace under his pillow to slip around his wifes neck in the morning.

The morning came like a flash and everything went as planned.  

"Oh darling, it's beautiful!!  I love it and I'll wear it all day."  Beatrice said as she put her new necklace on.

"Oh darling, yellow roses, you remembered."  Beatrice said as she accepted her roses from the delivery boy.

"Oh darling, a horse and cart, where on Earth could we be going?"  Beatrice asked as they stepped out in their finest day clothes and hopped up into the cart.

"Oh darling, a carnival, this is the most magic of all of our anniversaries and I had no idea."  Beatrice said as the horse and cart came close to the carnival and she could see the ferris wheel approaching.

"......................................F*#k me dead Charlie, this is a nudist, I wondered why the cart driver said that he thought we were a bit over dressed.  How did you think for one second that this would be a romantic day out for me, to get bare @ss naked with a bunch of strangers and bounce around on the jumping castle while my t!ts whack some poor child in the face which will then cause him to run to his mother and say 'That woman hit me in the face with her t!t mum.'  And then everyone will look at me and see just how saggy I am and I'll forever be know as T!twhacker!"

Beatrice caught her breath and while she was fuming, Charlie took the chance to say something...anything.  "I guess I didn't read the ad all the way to the bottom, but while we're here................"  Charlie then looked as adoringly as he could at his beautiful wife pulled down his zip, got out his willy, got down on his knee and said in his most serene voice.  "......Will you get butt naked with me?"

Beatrice stared with steam coming out of her ears down at her stupid looking husband and a smirk crossed her face.  Then she looked down at his willy and a smile came to visit.  Then as a clown walked past with a d!ck the size of a donkey's Beatrice laughed!  Beatrice laughed so hard that she almost threw up.  "Oh f*#k me!"  She said as she tried to regain her composure.  "Yes my dear Charlie.  I will get naked with you."

So on this fine Friday morning in the cosy little community known as 'Morning Wood' there surely was an awful lot of morning wood, along with some scrumpy crumpets, flooby boobies, dangly wangly's, foxy boxies, curly wurlies, rippled nipples & a clown with an oblong schlong the size a kilo sandbag.  Charlie and Beatrice had the greatest anniversary of their entire lives past, present and future and they had such a wonderful time that they packed up all of their sh!t and moved to 'Morning Wood'!

I'd love to tell you that every day at Morning Wood is just as good as the one before, but I'd be altering the truth!

Every day at Morning Wood is BETTER then the last one; especially since the clown runs the local pool cleaning business and his wife Gertrude (an ex Brazillian volleyball player/pin up girl), is the local dentist.

Life is good at Morning Wood, that is of course until the new community opens up down the road - 'Bush Haven' and coming next Summer - 'Penis Land' (yeah i know that the last one isn't really clever, but I figure that if a bunch of guys got together and came up with a name for a place where there would be a whole heap of dudes living in the same place, they would probably all decide upon Penis Land and the roads would be called Nut Coldersack, Johnson Crescent, Humpa Way, Chickseye Road, Nailtothewall Street & most prominently, Outwiththeold Avenue.  We are a simple race!!!)

And Captain Mal said.........

Hello world, it's me Captain Mal, here to tell you a story about a girl I will call 'Lotsa'.  Now Lotsa lived with her Aunty Jude the heroin addicted, ruffi popping alcoholic and her boyfriend Tad, the bisexual shoe salesman.  She was young and full of whimsical dreams of a place far away, maybe a castle and a prince, but she had one giant flaw............she was.........blonde!!!!!!!  Lotsa hated her hair color, she even dieted to punish herself for the cruel torments she would get from all of the dark and red haired girls at school.  "Hey Goldilocks, slept with any bears lately."  would be just one of the many cruel and vicious things that would be said to her on the playground.  Lotsa sucked it up though and one day she would be able to die her hair a more natural color and be rid of her hideous form.

on this particular day, Lotsa was in a cafe eating a quadruple decker hamburger bathed in peanut butter and caramel sauce while thinking about her favorite Star Wars character, Jabba the Hutt.  She loved how strong and powerful Jabba was and that at any time he could just kill one of his sex slaves and everyone would just cover it up for him' just like when billionaires butlers would walk in on their master strangling an escort with anal beads and crying out 'I'm not a C student anymore Mrs Malestria am I?'.  Jabba was her idol and she hoped one day she would be as large and admired as he was.  After Lotsa finished her discreet meal, she was approached by a young skinny woman; she looked so pale and gaunt that Lotsa immediately felt sorry for her and started to reach for some money to buy her a meal but the woman put up her hand in protest.  "No Lotsa, i'm not in need of money......I'm your mother."

Lotsa could not believe her ears.  "Mum, but where have you been all of my life?"

"I've been inside Roseanne Barr!  It's a long story, but one day I was driving through Hollywood and I took a wrong turn.  I thought I was driving up Delta Bourke, which didn't worry me since I knew that she has constant verbal and anal diarrhea that I would drive out of her @ss in no time, but Roseanne was a different story.  There was a whole year that I spent in the upper colon with Hoffa eating Tortillas and swapping love stories, but finally one day I found myself in her toilet and was flushed out to sea where a Chinese fishing trawler picked me up.  I had to do horrible things for them to get them to bring me back to shore, but it was worth every black jelly bean I ate since they hated black jelly beans so much and couldn't stand to eat another one just because it was in the bag and they didn't want to feel wasteful.  Anyway, I was finally brought back to you and I went to find you at your Aunty Jude's place but she seemed to be dead and Tad was entertaining what looked like a hockey team and they were doing something that rhymes with Puck."

"Were they f*#king Mum?"

"No darling, they were Shucking Oysters you fowl mouthed beast."  Lotsa's Mum however thought back to when she saw Tad and the Hockey team naked shucking oysters and then realised that her daughter was probably right, but she just thought she would leave it.

"So my sweet pumpkin, I am back and I love you and want to be their for you for ever and ever."

"Well, you could put some weight on Mum, you're fading away."

"Yes, living inside Roseanne will do that to you, the only thing that you can eat after she's eaten it is Mexican's."

"You mean Mexican food?"

"Um.......sure why not."

Then Lotsa and her Mum left the diner and went for a walk down the road.  they saw a street artist and Lotsa's Mum decided to by her daughter a picture.  The man drew a picture, making sure to take his time and then finally he handed it to the girl and her face lit up from ear to ear.  "Oh my God, in just one hour, i've got my Mum back and this man thinks I look like Jabba the Hutt.  This is the greatest day of my life.  But sir, how did you know that I love Jabba the Hutt?"

The artist looked confused and was about to say 'I didn't.'  But thought better of it and instead he said.  "Isn't he everyone's?"

The girl then took her Mum's hand  and they walked hand in hand down the road and into the future.

The End

P.S. And by no way does Captain Mal endorse either the encouragement of overeating, taking drugs, shucking someone else's Oysters,  Carnival Folk, or Roseanne Barr, Good night and God bless, unless of course you believe in that Sciency religion thing that was invented to dodge tax and confuse the f*#k out of all human life

P.P.S.  I was going to have a bigger adventure filled with lude, crude stuff, but I thought that it was time I take it down a notch and stop swearing so much and using such foul language.

P.P.P.S. Just f*#king with you folks, holy sh!t that chick is fat, don't you reckon?  that girl is so fat that when she walks down the street she has a car drive in front of her with yellow flashing lights.

And Mal said.........

I have decided everyone to attempt to just write lyrics for this poignant picture of the Chuck.

It must be sung by whoever reads it in a country and western style; even slap your leg if you want!

"This is a song about a man.......

This is a song about the man......

He is a man most men will follow..

And all his women love to swallow....

This is a man named Chuck Norris......

The woman behind him is Dolores.....

And the woman speaking in his ear....

Well she loves to take it in the rear.....

She wouldn't do it for no other........

But Chuck Norris is her lover.......

And even I have to admire......oh yeah

Chuck's Aura bathed in fire......

This man is tougher then the rest.....

That's why God is no longer best.....

But don't think this is blasphemy....oh no

Cause with this song God's helping me........

Chuck will one day save our world......

That's why he gets the girls......

So bad guys don't you ever try.....

To look Chuck Norris in the eye......

Cause he'll roundhouse kick you in the head.....

boy oh boy you will wind up dead......

And then he'll eat your heart and liver

And send your body burning down the river.....

So let's rejoice in all of the wonders......

Of Chuck Norris' and all of his thunder.....

Some say he is not even a mortal......

And one day he'll go back through his portal.....

But I say Chuck, he is a man.....

I say Chuck is a real man.....

And he's a legend don't you know.......oh yeah

Oh Chuck Norris, please, please never ever go......"

We love you Chuck Norris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Mal said.........

"I remember the day when i first thought up the character, Ballsout Starcrapper........ I still remember that Princess Leia bust that i won in the Captain Mal competition........ I also remember nailing it to the roof above my bed.

I'm an old man now though; I can barely remember the last time I wrote a story like those, but I do remember them.  Especially the one with the hot chick that Ballsout ended up marrying; that was cool.  I suppose i should probably not give myself props about it;  I might look a little vein in your article Ms. Heiny."

"Well Mr Force, I don't think that any of your fans will ever think that you could possibly be vein or a negative influence upon them at all."

"You make me blush Ms. Heiny and you cause me great pain."

"Pain?  How so?"

"My pants get tighter when you are around."

The hot young reporter then blushed and looked away for a moment to compose herself.  "Seriously though Mr Force, i am here to speak about your characters and your motivations.  could you give me a little bit of what motivates you?"

"Oh, you can definitely have some of what motivates me Ms Heiny, but although i jest about how hot you are and how fantastic it would be to throw down right here and now with you, I am married and have been for fifty years."

"Wow.  Fifty years is a long time."

"Not when they are all better then the last one.  My wife is perfect, regardless of eccentricities.  A famous person once said, 'The perfect things in life are usually not the most perfect of things and the perfect people in life are usually perfectly flawed."

"Who wrote that Mr Force?"  Ms. Tittiane Heiny spoke with the utmost of interest.

"Um.......f*#ked if I know; I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone some dude who wrote some quote that was probably spoken sixty years ago, maybe i wrote it."  Enrique Force then burped.  "Oh wait, I had eggs for breakfast!"

Ms Heiny smiled and tried not to laugh.  "So Mr Force, could you tell us the story of how you thought up Ballsout Starcrapper then?  It would be great to reference it in the article."

Enrique thought for a moment and then answered definitively.  "No!"

"Um...."  Ms Heiny was unsure as to whether she had offended this brilliant man.

"No, what I meant to say was, I think it would be a nicer thing for the readers to tell of the last time I wrote about Ballsout Starcrapper.  You see, I wrote an epic adventure for the Captain Mal blog, but before it could be put up on the website, Chuck Norris' blocked the internet and sucked the blog into his brain, never to be seen again.  I'm not sure how Chuck Norris did it, but he was offended at a story that was put in there about him and I guess that sh!t just don't fly with the Chuck."

"Do you mean World President Chuck Norris?"

"The one and only.  I saved his life once you know?"

Ms Heiny was impressed.  "Really?"

"Yep, but that might be a story for another time.  So back to this epic adventure of Ballsout Starcrapper; would you like to hear it?"

"Are my panties red with a pink bow on them?"

".......................Um................"

"Yes,"  Ms Heiny said to clarify her statement.  "Yes, I would love to hear your story."

"Good, well then, hold onto your red panties with the pink bow for this tale is the kind of story that you tell people on their death beds.  Episode 4 - Once upon a time......no wait.....A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, there was a hero of the Galaxy named Ballsout Starcrapper!  He was Tatooine born and bred and he just loved to dream of becoming a hero again, since he was now a simple water farmer back on his home planet with his wife Sleazy and his ten children Yip, Yap, Yup, Yop, Yep, Jock, Jack, Jeck, Jick and Pimp.  (Pimp was actually meant to be Juck, but Juck, as you could guess was a very popular name at the time because of the black hole near Endor that was called Juck and Sleazy didn't want any of her kids named after a black hole.  Personally, if i was going to name someone after a black hole i'd call them..............hhmmmm............. no, best not to say that.  So, basically Ballsout was now a family man!  It had also been quite some time since he had had s#x with Sleazy because of all of the children so his Nuts had grown back to their previous size again.  He had forgotten how f*#king heavy they were.

one day, he decided to go to the Tarshi Station to pick up some power converters (because Ballsout never whinged about anything, he would just do what he wanted and if he had an Uncle who told him otherwise then he probably would have head butted him) and he ran into Biggs Darklighter.

"Hey Ballsout, i'm heading off to join the Rebellion against the Empire, do you want to come?"

"No thanks, I've had enough of those f*#kers, especially that p*ssy snitch Lord Vader."

"What, you know him?"

"oooh yeah.  So, the rebellion huh!  I guess I could think about it.  Where is the recruitment office?"

"Alderaan, but that's a secret, cause if anyone found that out, i'm sure the Empire would be a bit pissed off since Alderaan is the home of the Empire's recruitment office too."

"Mum's the word Biggs, is Luke going?"

"No, he's a pussy and I think the only way that he would leave this planet was if his Aunt and Uncle had some kind of tragic circumstances fall upon them and cause them to be burned alive and their skeletons left out for Luke to see and be seriously scarred."

"Guess so!"  Ballsout said.  "I'll think about it.  Good Luck."

"Don't say good luck Ballsout, if you say good luck to someone then their sure to be killed violently trying to destroy a big bad battle station or something."

"Um......I think you have a vivid imagination Biggs, but May the Force be with you anyway."

Now, to cut a long story about Sleazy not wanting Ballsout to go back to war short, Ballsout decided to go, after they shared a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss and he headed to Mos Eisley to find a ship that would take him to Alderaan.  Han Solo had apparently picked up a charter so he got a ride with a dude named Greedo, but Han Solo shot him, so then he got a ride with a Shistavanen Wolfman named Lak Sivrak.  Lak was a bit of a hound dog, so Ballsout had to share accommodation with a bunch of Wolfwomen, who all wanted to investigate his girth, but Ballsout resisted any temptation.  When they got to Alderaan Lak and his Wolfwomen went back to Uvena Prime for a massive orgy under the full moon.  After Ballsout got that disturbing visual out of his head he went to find the Rebellion, but instead he found the Imperial recruitment office and was hearded in.

a large hairy Imperial grabbed Ballsouts shoulder and looked down at him.  "He kid, you need to join us or i'm going to put a rather large hole in your stomach with my blaster & if my blaster doesn't work then i'm going to F*#k you in the @ss."

"Alright, fine, but I am going to put a hex on you; I believe you will blow up some time very soon you fat piece of sh!t."

the big man punched Ballsout in the face and he was knocked out.  "Put him on the transport to the EathDay TarStay."

Dopey Stormtrooper number 6798 looked confused.  "Do you mean the Death Star."

"Oh for f*#k sake George, I was trying to say Death Star in code."

"Oooh, I get it, would you like me to go and get you a Bigay Macay Sargent?"

Sargent Lard pulled out his gun and shot Stormtrooper 6798, then turned to Stormtrooper 6799.  "Could you take this recruit to the ship and get me a f*#king Big Mac?"

"They only have HJ's on Alderaan soon, Macdonald's didn't ask for approval here due to their insurance company advising them that this planet is most likely to be blown up if the Empire ever creates a large planet destroying gun."

"this just isn't my day.  Alright fine, get me a f*#king Whopper then and make sure you super size it."

So Ballsout was put on the transport to the Death Star and just as they left the atmosphere, a laser was heading straight for the planet and Sargent Lard saw it coming.  "Well f*#k me gently with a chainsaw, that recruit must have the Force or something."  Then Alderaan blew up.

Ballsout woke up in the recruits sleeping hall on the Death Star.  "Where the f*#k am I?"

"Death Star!"  said a rather pretty girl sitting next to him reading the manual on what to do if a Wookie escapes in the detention center.

"The Death Star?"

"Yeah, it's a big battle station with a laser that can destroy a planet.  We just blew up Alderaan."

"What, i was just there, and now it's gone?"

"Yup, f*#ked."

"And you're ok with that?"

"Nup, but you don't go against the grain around here or you get shot or Vader squeezes your throat with the Force and not in a good s#xual way either."

apart from that confession telling Ballsout a lot about this girl, he wanted nothing more then to get the f*#k out of here.  "So, how do I get out of here?"

"Can't."  the girl said as she kept reading.  "Did you know that a Wookie's d!ck is about as long as a..."

"What do you mean you can't?"

The girl then got irritated and put the book down and held out her hand.  "Hello, my name is Stormtrooper 696969 or you can call me Gin Legsout.  And there is not a way off of this Battle Station unless you get shot out in a body bag or assigned to one of those Star Destroyers."

Ballout Starcrapper shook her hand.  "My name is Ballsout Starcrapper and I don't have a stormtrooper number yet and if you want to help me then I plan on escaping this station or blowing it up."

Gin looked seriously at Ballsout for a moment.  "Alright hero, you think you can get me off."

"No, I'm married, I can't."

"No you idiot, I mean off this Death Star."

"Oh, I'm going to try."

"Good enough for me, what's our first move?"

"I'd say, getting me into a Stormtrooper outfit so we can move around unchecked."

"Ballsout Starcrapper!!!"  a loud booming voice startled the two co conspirators.

Ballsout stood up and to attention as an officer walked up to him.  "Yes sir."

"Somehow, Ballsout, you have been promoted from the Stormtrooper squad to General Starcrapper.  It seems like you have been noticed by Darth Vader.  Here's your uniform and you need an assistant."

"Um, this is my assistant, Stormtrooper 696969."

"Fine!  SUIT UP and go and see Vader, he's on level AMF, just go out of the elevator turn left and head straight past Westfields, don't go into Westfields, but go around the back to the HJ's.  He's in there at Moff Tarkins grandkids birthday party. It's a hero and villain theme, i think Vader is dressed like Lara Croft."

"Alright then Sargent, so i outrank you now!"  Ballsout said.

"Yes sir."

"Well then.........f*#k off.........but, get me a Pepsi Max first."

"Yes sir."

Then Ballsout and Gin, surprised by this startling turn of events, decided to act quickly toward getting off of this Death Star.

Ballsout put on his new uniform and gave the new assistant uniform to Gin.  for some reason it was modified to her stunning figure and lots of legs and cleavage were showing.  (Of course I had nothing to do with this for all of you feminists reading this.  It was just how it was, so please don't get all narky on my @ss and please don't send in any  complaints because....well....we aren't going to read it.)

When they arrived at Macdonalds they stood behind a very portly Stormtrooper and waited to be served so they could find Lord Vader.

"Um......i'll have two Wookie Fries, a Dewback Rib Float, Six Space Burger without onion cause onion makes me fart and I hate farting in this f*#king suit, it lingers for days and then when I take my helmet off in the communal locker rooms all the girls kinda look at me with turned up noses.  It sucks being this fat you know.."

"I feel for ya."  The weedy little upstart of an employee answered, without caring about how long it was taking to serve this seriously disturbed man.

"Thanks......um........and i'll have an extra large Diet Soda, but could you put some cream on top?"

"Yep dude, we aim to please."

"Oh thank f*#k."  Ballsout said under his breath while scratching his nuts.  The fabric in these uniforms was really rubbing him up the wrong way.

a large tray finally was presented to the Fat Stormtrooper and before the man moved he noticed that he was given baby Wookie fries and not large Wookie fries.  "Um...these are small fries."

"I don't think your toilet bowl will mind."  Ballsout said as he pushed his way passed the man who's only concern in the world was that he wasn't going to get enough greasy potatoless chips into his fat @ss.  The man was going to complain but noticed Ballsout's rank and decided to come back later after he had devoured his current meal.

"Welcome to Macdonalds Death Star, how may I be of service?"  The man with the name Mitchell on his badge said proudly, but with little stamina.

"I am here to see Lord Vader, could you let us into the birthday room?"

"Have you got an invitation?"

"No, I was ordered here by Darth Vader."

"Well, if you have not invitation, do you have a requisition slip?"

"No. But,"

"I'm sorry, but without an invitation or a requisition slip, you can not proceed into the birthday room."

"But Darth Vader is expecting us."

"Well, the only other way that I can let you in is if you buy something."

"Alright, I'll have a Space Burger."

"Sorry, we're out of Space Burger."

"The last guy had a Space Burger."

"He bought the last ones."

"Alright i'll just have a Soda."

"Sorry sir, but the Soda machine just failed."

"Well what the f*#k do you have?"

"Um sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language here at the Death Star Macdonalds, it's damaging to my ears and to the ears of all of the other customers."

Crickets chirped as Ballsout looked around at no one in the store.  Ballsout then took a deep breath and continued.  "O.K. what do you have that I can buy, so that you will let me in to see Darth Vader?"

"Gundark Intestines on a stick."

"Your f*#king with me right."

"Alright sir, i'm sorry, but I can't serve you now.  We have a two swear rule here at the Death Star Macdonalds."

Ballsout was about to reach across the counter and strangle this little f*#k when Darth Vader stuck his head out of the door behind Mitchell the luckiest f*#ker on the Death Star.  "Mitchell, why haven't you let this officer in?"

"No paperwork and he broke our two swear rule."

"Good job Mitchell, now give my guests some f*#king Wookie fries and send them in for f*#king f*#ks sake."  then Vader went back into the party.

"You may pass and here are your Wookie fries."

"Give them to the fat guy if he comes out of the bathroom."  Then Ballsout led Gin into the party.  there were kids everywhere and Grand Moff Tarkin was giving one of them a horsey ride while being hit with a dozen balloon swords.  Vader finished doing his impression of Woody Allen, zipped up his pants and then approached Ballsout.  "Nice taste in assistants, Ballsout."

"Keep it in your pants Sith boy."

"Alright, I guess I deserve that one.  I'm sorry about that switcheroo i did to you in our last adventure, but it was for five thousand hot chicks."

"That's ok one of them followed me and we got married and had heaps of kids."

"So your not a virgin anymore?"

"Nup."

"..........Oh........................I'm strangely attracted to you at the moment."

"It's his big nuts."  Gin said.

"Alright, alright, could we all stop talking about my nuts and lets get down to business, because I have this feeling that something really f*#ked up is about to happen."  Ballsout said sternly.

"Nice tough boy voice Ballsout.  O.K. here's the deal.  I have a top secret mission for the two of you.  This Death Star is battery powered; mind you it is a big f*#king battery, but a battery none the less.  The thing is that I just got this feeling that this old Jedi dude is here and i have to go and cut him down and I can't go and change the battery.  So, I need someone to go and do it for me."

"A battery?"

"Yeah, I know we should have some other more modernised way of powering this thing, but remember that this is set 'A long time ago......'."

Ballsout hesitated and then Vader put his hands in a praying position.  "Pleeeeeeeeeease."

"Why don't you get a flunky to do this?"

"You are a flunky."

"...............................................................................I walked right into that didn't I."

"Like a fat kid walking into a fat kid loves cake joke."

So Ballsout and Gin were given the directions and a small spaceship that was designed to carry the battery into the Death Star's core.  Darth Vader then led all of the children to the space shuttle to take them off the battle station (What?  did you really think I was going to let some kids get the f*#k blown up.  No f*#king way) and then went to find Obi Wan Kenobi.

"So Ballsout,"  Gin spoke softly.  "We'll be in this ship for a little while, how about we get a little funky."

"I'm sorry Gin, i'm married and if anything, this adventure has shown me just how stupid I have been and when this is over, I'm going back to Tatooine, no matter how much I hate sand in my crack and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Sleazy Starcrapper and my kids Yip, Yup, Yop, Yap, Yep, Jock, Jack, Jick, Jeck and Pimp."

"Why Pimp?"

"Well, he seems to love hanging his arm out of the Landspeeder, he wears a lot of velvet, and a lot of women just show up and give him money and then leave.  Plus he has a facebook page called - 'Pimps' B!tch#s'.  We're proud of him no matter what."

"Alright, well why don't we just fly off in this ship and go back there?  If we don't change the battery and we just p!ss off then maybe this Death Star will shut down or blow up or something."

Ballsout thought it to be a great idea and so they turned around and headed for the tunnel to take them out.  (Now that this decision was made and you know that Luke is probably just about to scream 'NO' as Vader cuts Obi down, then you will know that it is still quite a while before the Death Star is meant to blow up, so we are just going to pretend that it is now closer to Luke skimming down the long trench about to shoot a laser into a little hole that is supposed to blow up this massive f*#king battle station.

"There's the opening.  We're going to make it."  Gin said gleefully and then she jumped up and down.

Ballsout finally stopped staring at Gin's bouncing breasts and punched it hard (I mean the ship's accelerator, not his penis) and the ship shot quickly for the opening.  there was an explosion behind them and they realised that the lack of power had caused a chain reaction and the Death Star was about to explode.

Then Luke shot his laser that went into the hole but then hit a heard of elephants from the Death Star zoo that were on there way to the humping room and fizzled out.

Ballsout blasted out of the Death Star and they shot away just in time for the Death Star to explode and kill everyone.  Except of course, Darth Vader who's Tie Fighter was spinning off into space.  

"We did it."  Gin jumped up and down again with glee.

Ballsout stopped staring at Gin's cleavage when they stopped jiggling on their own, which was about two minutes and twenty seconds later.  "Let's go home, I really want to see my wife."

"We destroyed the Death Star; that's so cool."  Gin was giddy with joy and decided to have a sleep.  Ballsout thought about jumping her but quickly remembered how much he loved his wife and wanted to be in her arms as soon as possible.

They arrived back on Tatooine and Sleazy ran out to greet him and gave him a big kiss.

Ballsout then explained the adventure to his wife and all she had to say was.  "Oh Ballsout, I don't mind if you have sex with Gin; she's fricken hot; actually, Bigamy is not even a word on Tatooine, maybe you could marry her too!!!!!"

Ballsout fainted and woke up some time later after Gin and Sleazy dragged him and his large nuts into the bedroom.

So readers as the Death Star is destroyed and Ballsout has now defied the laws of his usual sexless life, you may think that this story is over, well, f*#k no; in fact it is just getting started.....

Episode 5 - A long time ago, before Firefly.................Nut Wars............................. The Empire was pissed off at the Rebellion and the Rebels were hiding on Hoth, which actually turned out to be the same place that Ballsout Starcrapper decided to take his two wives on their third anniversary as a bigamous relationship.  The Hotel that they chose was sadly just next door to the Rebels hideout and the noise was neverf*#king ending.  Tauntaun's rooting under the window,  Snowspeeders doing flyby's to try to catch a peep at Ballsouts two hot wives, Wampa's leaving great big dirty turds on the verandah and Rebels making out in the roof spa and sauna on their lunch breaks.

"Perhaps we should find another place to vacation girls."  Ballsout said as he massaged his sore testicles, from all of the s#x (which in fact were a lot smaller, but still sizeable compared to yours and my nuts..........well.......my nuts anyway)

"We've already paid for this vacation Ballsout and nothing is going to ruin it for us.  Let's have some more s#x."  Sleazy asked.

"Well, i'm actually in need of some sleep, I'm a little worn out from all of the f*#king."

"Suit yourself Ballsout, we don't need you."  Gin said while undressing Sleazy with her eyes.

"..........................................................................hmmm.............................. ...................................um.......................................................................... ...............ah f*#k it, let's have more s#x."  Ballsout was still very sore, but hey, he had two f*#king hot wives and he can sleep when he's dead.

Meanwhile, as you are all aware the Empire find the Rebels and start bombarding the base and At At's shake the Earth.  Ballsout gets mightily pissed and decides that it is time that they either get involved or go home.  "I'm sorry girls, but we have to go, i'm afraid that those stupid Imperials are going to blow us up by mistake."  Then just as he said it, a blast destroyed their ship. "You C**ts."  Ballsout yelled out over the verandah at the At At that shot their ship.  Then the At At seemed to look at him with a hurt look on its face???  Then it took aim and was about to fire when Ballsout realised that he still had the lightsaber that Vader gave him a long time ago so he whipped it out, but remembered also that he was naked and his balls were swinging in the breeze; he had to be careful not to cut one off.  The At At fired and he caught the shot with his saber and it threw him across the room, but it bounced back toward the At At and destroyed it.  After that as you know, Dak died, Luke crashed, Han and the others got away and a lot of rebels were seriously f*#ked in the @ss by the Empire.  After that though and before Vader went back up to his Super Star Destroyer to chase Han and Leia, he was standing outside of the entry to the rebels base watching a YT1300 light freighter breach the outer atmosphere, when he noticed his old friend Ballsout up on the verandah of the hotel next door with his nuts out.  Vader went to say hello.

"Ballsout, I haven't seen you around for a while; I thought you died on the Death Star."

"That's funny, I thought the same thing about you."

"Who are these lovely ladies with you?"

"F*#k off Vader, these are my wives."

"Well f*#k me gently with a breadknife; you old dog you."  Vader then lent in to Ballsouts ear.  "Want a foursome?"

Ballsout then smacked Vader in the face with a Nut.  "I said it before and i'll say it again.  F*#k off."

"Fine, Fine I know i've been a bad friend to you in the past and I understand why you're still pissed off, but I have a job for you."

"No."

"But..."

"No.  Your jobs always end in me getting the shaft and not in a good way.  Plus, you've never paid me once you cheap prick."

all the while Gin and Sleazy were making out on the bed.  (they didn't have to but it seems like the sort of thing they would be doing, so I had to add it in)

"I promise I'll pay you this time, and if your wives come along I'll pay them as well."

"Come is not a form of currency you slut."

"Alright, fine, i'll pay them credits."

Ballsout looked over at his hot wives making out and then turned back to Vader.  "What's the job?  I wouldn't usually ask, but i'm going to need a lot of blue pills in the very near future and that stuff gets expensive."

"I need you to go to Bespin and win me some money.  I know that you're a pretty good Sabaac player and there is a big game on.  You see, with all of the blown up Tie Fighters, destroyed At At's, blasted Stormtroopers, refried beans and not to mention the f*#king Death Star, we are in a bit of hock to the Hutts and even Black Sun have donated a few fembots.  I need 6 Trillion credits quick smart and I know that you are the man for the job."

Ballsout thought about it and then nodded his head.  "I knew that my Imperial Super was not worth the f*#king paper it's typed on.  Alright, we'll do it!"

After that Vader took one more look at Ballsout's hot wives making out and then spun around dramatically with his cape blowing in the breeze and stormed off.

"Girls, we've got an all expenses paid gambling vacation to Bespin, courtesy of the Empire to get to."

"Woohoo."  Sleazy and Gin both called out and they packed their bags, strapped up Ballsouts nuts and headed to the hotel's docking bay to where they picked up the ship that Vader organised for them.  on the side of the ship it had written in big bold italics 'The Vader Shack'.  Inside it was wallpapered in velour's and disco balls were strung up throughout the ship.

"Gee that Vader is a real swinger Ballsy."  Gin said.  "Why didn't he want to have a foursome?"

"Um,"  Ballsout said while trying to think of something.  "Um, he's into Cleveland Steamers."

"Ooh, yuk."  Sleazy said.  "I'm Sleazy, but not quite that sleazy."

And so off they went to the Tibana Gas Mining Colony on Bespin and headed straight for Cloud City.

As they landed and exited the ship Ballsout let his two hot sexy wives, who just so happened to be dressed in the slinkiest black dresses in the Galaxy in on a few handy tips about Cloud City.  "Now girls, just remember that if you see an Ugnaught drop some coins at your feet and go down to pick them up then they are most likely going to try to look up your dress; secondly, there is a swooner here named Lando Calrissian, now he's pretty cool and we'll probably be playing Sabaac up against him, but he has an android named Lobot, a bald freaky looking MoFu who likes to stick his head between beautiful womens breasts, shake his face back and forward and say 'abloobablahblooblooblubbaboolablublubeboob'.  I used to think it was funny, but now that i'm married to the most likely candidates for such an incident, i just want you on the look out."

"And the third thing?"  Sleazy asked.

"Did i say there would be a third thing?"

"No, but I just assumed that there would be at least three things since you said a few things otherwise you would have said a couple of things."

"Oh, well i didn't have anything else, but come to think of it, Tibana Gas Gundark Farts and you don't mine it you just stand behind a Gundark with a bottle and a lid.  It's a really sh!tty job, but somebody has to do it."

The Starcrappers then checked in and freshened up before hitting the gambling tables and when i say 'freshened up' i mean they had lots of sex.  "I love my life!!!!!!!!!"  Ballsout said while getting dressed again into his gambling outfit.  it consisted of his lucky jeans, his lucky boots, his lucky wide brimmed hat and his lucky shirt that has a picture of a Beer on it and underneath the beer it says, 'BEER - Its going to save the Galaxy; I don't know how, but it will!'

"Let's do it!"

Two hours later Ballsout and his wives were still having sex because when he said 'Let's do it' his wives thought he wanted to have sex.  "O.K. now lets blow..............um..........I kinda mean let's keep having sex, but we really should get going."

One hour after that the three of them were at the tables playing a high stakes game of Sabaac with Dreg Prikless (the Trandoshan), Holly Hunter (Human from Earth) & Lando Calrissian (human, born in space).

"So Holly,"  Lando said with a level of charisma that only he could accomplish.  "This Earth, are all of the women as complicated and enticing as yourself?"

Holly Hunter leaned forward after putting one of her cards in the interference field.  "I'm already going to let you complicate and entice me later Mr Calrissian, there's no need for the small talk."

Lando's eyebrows raised and so did his p#n!s!!!!!

"Sabaac!"  Ballsout had a clean 23 and another hundred thousand credits was his.

"Good job baby."  Sleazy said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  

"Yeah B, nice job."  And Gin gave him a kiss on the other cheek.

"You know ladies, I've got four cheeks over here for the kissing and there all buffed and ready."  Lando said in hope.

"Aargh."  Said the Trandoshan, Dreg Prikless.  "I am sick of this s#x banter.  I ate my wife and came to play Sabaac to try to forget women and all you can talk about are big hard Wampa p#n!ses."

Everyone looked at the mentally disturbed scaly dude and wasn't quite sure whether he was in the same discussion.

Dreg then took his mobile phone receiver out of his ear and put it away and noticed everyone looking at him.  "..................(awkward silence).........................What?"

everyone returned to the game and it went like this: Holly Hunter won one round but then got distracted that she only agreed to be in this story because she hadn't been in a decent movie for a long time and was a bit desperate for the attention and then she swilled a bottle of Jurri Juice and passed out / Drek almost won a round but got interrupted again by his lawyer about something to do with a restraining order put on him by Sally Struthers.  Apparently she is concerned that Drek was considering eating her since she eats whole Koala Bears and grazes in the open plains of Africa and is considered a delicacy on Trandosha/ Lando won seventeen hands but then gave it all to Gin and Sleazy to watch them pour Corellian Whiskey over their breasts / Ballsout won everything else.  The credits raised that evening amounted to 6, 798549445699.  (Yes, it is unrealistic that he won almost 7 Trillion credits in one game of Sabaac, but let's just get a little technical about for a second and say STOP JUDGING MY STORY F*#KERS!!!)

"Oh well kid,"  Lando said with more charisma then anyone in the Galaxy could possibly muster.  "It looks like this little mining operation is bankrupt thanks to you and every investor who put money in the bank of Bespin."

"Sorry about that Lando."  Ballsout responded.

Lando laughed aloud.  "Don't sweat it, The Empire just arrived to find some dude so i'm going to roll out the red carpet and hope to christ that their going to take over this place."

"Is Darth Vader here?"

"Yup!  Why do you ask?"

"Oh no reason, but I would rather hide from him for now.  do you have a safe place to do that?  I just want to stash a bit of this money before i hand it over to him."

"Are you telling me that Vader commissioned you to beat us?"

"Um......yeah."  Ballsout was now worried as to what Lando would say.

"Nice.  You really are a smooth Mother F*#ker and i have the perfect place for you.  Lobot will take you."  Just then Lobot came out of nowhere and jammed his big bald head into Sleazy's cleavage and started blubbering.  "Lobot," Lando yelled.  "Lobot, stop that you untrained mutt."  Lobot obeyed and eyed Gin's cleavage.

Gin stared him down.  "If you try that on me wax head, you'll be wearing that head collar as a butt plug."

Lobot smiled and then as if he could read Lando's mind he led them away.  Ballsout did not know where they were going, but he wanted to just keep a couple of million but with Vader here, he would have to avoid him and get off this city with his wives unnoticed.

Lobot lead them to a room in the lower levels of the city with a lot of old machinery in it.  Lobot left without saying a word but before he closed the door he farted into the room and giggled.

"Yeah........that guys a f*#ked up weird little dude."

the girls started looking around for a place to sit (or possibly lie down).  "Hey honey."  Gin said as she uncovered a piece of machinery.  "This looks interesting.  I think it's a s#x machine."

Sleazy's ears pricked up and Ballsout's balls started to tingle.  "Sweet!"

Ballsout looked it over and had no idea what the f*#k it was.  It had three seats all positioned in different places, with two facing each other and the other facing off in a side direction.  each seat had handles that were either in front of or behind the seat and every seat seemed to be on a slide.  "If this isn't a s#x machine then it just has to be a f*#king time machine."  Ballsout said jokingly.

"Ooh let's give it a go!!!!"  Gin said with her dress already lifted and her panties down.

"I don't know girls, i don't want to sit on that thing if Lando's been using it, or even worse, if Lando's been using it with Lobot and Holly Hunter (Now folks, I know that for some reason I have mentioned Holly Hunter in this story, but in no way do I disrespect her.  I actually think of Ms Hunter as a f*#king brilliant actor, I mean, she is Mrs Incredible, but folks, let's admit, that Piano movie was a bit of weird f*#king business, don't you think)

"Come on darling, i'm sure they wiped!"

Ballsout thought about it and any man would be crazy to knock back these two stunning women anywhere, anytime and on anything.

the three of them got into what they thought was the correct position and Ballsout found a big red button and some writing below it.  I think it's Bocci, does anyone speak Bocci?"

"No honey, only gay protocol droids can speak Bocci."  Gin confirmed and then she and Sleazy pushed the button together and away they went.

Now this is not a porno, so I am not going to tell you the sordid details of what went where and who stuck who in whatever the hell, but I will say that as the machine got going, lights started flashing all over.  the machine got faster and faster and finally a climax occured and i don't mean s#xually.  The machine disappeared from Cloud City just as Lobot came back into the room with a chicken on his head and a large piece of Broccoli sticking out of his now naked @ss???????  I'm not going to elaborate but if you know why he did this then please keep it to yourself.

To their shock and amazement, Ballsout was correct.  The machine was a time machine..................and yes it was a sex machine as well.  apparently Bocci writing said, Bocci Baby maker, press button if you make a mistake and start all over again; but this machine was not set for ten minutes earlier, it was set for about twenty years earlier.  (for all of the Star Wars buffs who may one day read this, you are correct in saying that I have not calculated the time between Empire Strikes Back and a time approx. ten years prior to Phantom Menace but it's late and I am trying to finish this long winded f*#king story so just back off nerd)

Oh and it also transported you to different planets; like a Tardis.

"Wow!"  Gin screamed with satisfaction.  "That was f*#king amazing."

Sleazy just sat there, silent with a large grin on her face for about five minutes and then "Oooh."  And a shiver went up her spine.

Ballsout looked around and it was blatantly obvious that they were in a dessert on a far away planet.  (Yes it's Tatooine again, I know that Star Wars always seems to end back there but just deal with it; trust me)  The girls put their underwear back on and suddenly a gust of wind blew their dresses off to reveal their gold, metal bikini's  (See, I told you to trust me)

Ballsout stood up to get off of the machine but his massive nuts got caught between two shafts.  Ballsout a sudden desire to drink Perrier.  Then his nuts slipped out and he was thrown from the machine and the only f*#king rock in the entire desert (& yes i know i spelt desert with two S's before, but I really can't be f*#ked going back and fixing it, plus, it is possible that they are on a dessert?!  Think about it!  Anyway, Ballsout fell and hit his head on the only f*#king rock in the desert and was knocked out.

Gin and Sleazy ran to his aid and did what they had to do to keep him warm and to keep his blood pumping.  

After s#x they dragged his body over a dune and realised that they were on the outskirts of a city.  "That's Mos Espa."  Gin said confidently.

"How do you know that?"  Sleazy asked.

"When you've paid your way to the middle with your good looks, you meet a lot of people and you travel to a lot of places.  Plus my Godmother lives here in our time.  Her name is Babooshka; obviously she is not here now if we have gone back in time, but she always spoke of a lady named Shmi Skywalker.  She's a horny little b!tch, but she was apparently very lovely."

"Cool, do you think she'll help us?"

"I think she'll try to hump us, but yes, she will help us."

So off they went and yes Shmi did help them.  She gave Ballsout a room to rest in and put on some food and did her clothes washing in the nude hoping that Sleazy and Gin would make a move but when they didn't she just redressed and sat down for a chat.

"So you say your from the future and you came, literally through time to Tatooine?"

"Yup!  I think Ballsout j!zzed all over the Clone Wars."

"That's interesting, would you ladies like to have a look around the town.  I can escort you to all of the finest sights."

Gin and Sleazy thought about it, but were worried to leave Ballsout alone.  Shmi noticed their concern.  "He'll be fine, there's nobody here and nobody ever visits.....ever!"  Shmi looked over at her 'Days Celibate' Calendar and sighed.

Gin and Sleazy agreed and a lovely afternoon was had by all, that was of course until Shmi gave them the slip.  The girls immediately ran back to Shmi's place and banged on the door.  "Let us in."

They heard fumbling inside and a painful moan and then the door swung opened suddenly.  Shmi's hair was all a tizz and she had a smile on her face that just could not be tamed.  "What did you do?"  Gin asked.

"Nothing, when I lost you, I thought I would just come back here and look in on your friend."

"Is he alright?"  Sleazy asked.

"Oh yes, he's perfect."

Ballsout then moaned and started to wake.  Gin and Sleazy ran to his side and helped him to sit up.  "How do you feel?"

Ballsout had to think about it for a moment.  "Um........strangely relieved."

Gin and Sleazy knew what that meant.  They turned to face Shmi and she just shrugged.  "Sorry girls, couldn't help myself."  Then she happily and proudly went over to her calendar and put a big tick next to yesterdays cross.

"You slut."  Sleazy said aloud.

"I may be a slut, but you both get to take him home."  Then Shmi undressed and went back to her ironing.

Gin and Sleazy helped Ballsout up and out of the home of Shmi Skywalker, but not before Gin got to say one last thing.  "Make sure you don't mistake those things for tissue filled socks.

on the way back to the s#x/time machine the girls explained what happened to Ballsout and then they hopped on board.  "How do we know that we'll go back to where we came from."  Ballsout asked.

"Well, if we f*#k backwards, then maybe it will work."

So they did and they did and back they went.

Lobot was not there but two cracked eggs, some feathers and a sprig of broccoli stained the floor.

"You girls go to the ship and take this two million credits and i'll go and find Vader and give him the rest."

"Alright darling, but be careful," Sleazy and Gin said in unison.  "We've got a bad feeling about this!!!"

Ballsout kissed his wives and headed off to find Vader.  He looked everywhere, in the Ugnaughts games room, but only found a bunch of Ugnaughts wrestling in a pool of mud, he tried the Carbon Freezing chamber but only found a large frozen Holly Hunter with a sign on it that said 'defrost only in emergency's' and then he tried the big pointless walkway out into the middle of the heart of the city.  Vader was there and he was talking to a dude who had only one hand and a bad haircut.  Ballsout had seen this dudes photo on the intergalacticnet.  It was Luke Skywalker!  and then Ballsout remembered what had happened with the woman named Shmi Skywalker.  "F*#k,"  Ballsout said.  "That's my grandson."  Ballsout then realised that Vader was about to kill him.  Ballsout ran toward them but stopped dead short when he heard the words that Vader was saying.  

"Luke, I am your Father."  Then the kid whinged and jumped off.  Ballsout was now even more confused.  If Vader is that kids father then i'm his father.

Ballsout then walked up behind Vader.  "Hey I've got your credits."

Vader turned around and somehow it seemed like he had red eyes.

"Were you crying Vader?"

"No! I was just cutting onions before and I..."

"No Vader, I heard you and I have something to tell you.  I just went back in time and a woman named Shmi Skywalker raped me in my sleep."

"No!"  Vader said in a pained voice and started shimmying out onto the antennae that Luke was just on.  "No!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true......Vader....I am your Father!!!!!"

"No....that's not true,"  Vaders voice somehow became more high pitched and annoying.  "That's impossible, plus my nuts aren't huge!"

"Well actually, it's improbable, but definitely not impossible, you see there was this s#x/time machine and.."

Vader then jumped off the antennae.

Ballsout then looked down at the bag of credits that he was going to give Vader.  He looked around to see if anyone else was watching and when he felt comfortable that no one was, he picked up the bag.  "Oh well, I was a Father and a Grandfather for a minute.  I think I might go and drown my sorrows in whatever the f*#k I want and a whole lot of s#x with my two hot wives.  

Ballsout reached the ship and the three adventurers blasted off into what seemed like a very bright future.

But, just before they left the atmosphere Ballsout heard a voice in his head.  'Ballsout, Ballsout, help me Ballsout!' So................he got his balls out.

"So, Ms Tittiane Heiny, what do you think of the story so far?"

"I think it's fantastic Mr Force."

"Please call me Enrique and hand me that bucket."  She did and then Enrique stood up in his full body Darth Vader costume and put on his helmet.

"Um, yes, I did mean to ask you why you were dressed as Darth Vader today."

"It's a sand castle building competition for ex writers.  And this year, i'll be f*#ked if that [email protected]@rd Stephen King is going to take home the prize again."

"Can I be of assistance Enrique?"  And then Ms Heiny took off her coat to reveal a sexy gold metal bikini.

Enrique Force looked down at his crotch and felt a strange tingle.  "Ms Heiny, I think you already have!!!!!!!!!"

The cross adventures of Enrique Force and Ballsout Starcrapper will conclude in NUTWARS Episode 6 - Nuts, Nuts & more Nuts

And Mal Said.........

A long time ago, but not longer then the last story, but still a while ago; and when i say a long time, i'm not really talking about years or centuries as is possibly implied by the opening of Star Wars, but i mean like maybe two months ago or maybe three months is closer to something that constitutes as a long time ago.  anyway, along time ago (approx. three months).................. Ballsout Starcrapper was assigned to a new mission by the real Lord Darth Vader.  for those of you who do not know the story that precedes this one then go back a few stories until you see a picture of Vader flying across the room on a cat and read it; we'll wait ..................................................................... ...................................................................................................................... ......................are you finished yet? .................................................................... ....................................................................oh for f*#k sake, will you hurry up, a sh!t load of bloggers are sipping their hot chilli chocolate and eating an iced vovo waiting for you to catch up.............................so f*#king catch up..............oh, you're done, remind me to invite you around the next time i temporarily blind myself and i need someone to read the instructions on the condom packet to me really slowly so i don't make a mistake.......sorry, that was a bit rude of me to assume that you read so slow that turtles could masturbate quicker and still have time to beat the hare (and in no way is 'beating the hare' sexual inyourendo); i really have to work on my patience and capacity to let little things go, and i don't mean the little people in my basement, their not going anywhere!!!!!!!!!

alright, back to the story.....oh f*#k, i forgot what i was going to write.  hang on while i just go back and read it again..........................................ooooohhh.................... .............ooh, i don't think i should write that.....................................alright, f*#k it, let's just move forward; no regrets!  So, Ballsout Starcrapper was piloting his replica custom Tie Fighter, just like Vaders, while he was wearing the Vader suite and he was heading for the planet Woop Woop.  It was a fascinating planet full of birds and no i don't mean chicks, i mean, i don't mean women, i mean birds!!!!!  the kind of animals that fly around and tweet and sh!t.  So on this planet was another super mega shopping complex opening up and this time Vader got the files correct and sent Ballsout to the right place.  Little did Ballsout know though, that just before he arrived a bunch of space pirates took over the planet and jailed all of the birds with the help of Spitchy, the really, really bad MoFu of a bird who just wanted to rule Woop Woop.  Humans lived on Woop Woop as well and (hang on a sec; intermission!  Don't you just love saying Woop Woop.........Woop Woop, that's fricken sweet.  Another name that i love a lot is Boutros Boutros Ghali!  That Kooky egyptian sounds just like a type of fruit.  Just picture it!  'Darl, could you pick up some apples, a bunch of bananas and some Boutros Boutros Ghali's and don't come home without the Boutros Boutros Ghali's because i have to have something to dip in my custard' (oh and once again, that was not sexual inyourendo)

So Spitchy helps the pirates so he can take over Woop Woop and the only humans on Woop Woop though are helpless maidens (hot ones too)  They are all scared and are not sure who they can turn to.

Enter; Ballsout Starcrapper!!!!!

Ballsout lands the Tie Fighter awkwardly and drops out of the hatch since he landed upside down.  He landed on a bed of roses and got a thorn in his ass.  it was pretty big and he had trouble pulling it out so he decided to go and get some help.

firstly, he came up against a hot pirate who was surprised to see Darth Vader.  Of course, Ballsout did not know this lady was a pirate (a hot one at that) and before he asked for directions to the mega super shopping mall he said "Hi ma'am, would you be able to help me pull something out of my @ss that came out of a bush.  It's really wedged in there and i just can't seem to get a good handle on it.  I think my @ss is getting infected and you may even have to do some sucking to make sure that the job is done correctly."

the pirate just stood there with a dumb struck look on her face and wasn't sure if she should try to shoot Darth Vader or give him a blow job; it was a conundrum!

the pirate pulled her gun out.  "Um, put your hands up.  I am a member of the Nutcracker pirates and we are here to rule the planet and benefit from all of the fair maidens and the pretty birds."

Ballsout had no idea what the f*#k was going on, but with his luck, it was something that caused for some nut slapping action.  "Oh, so your not my guide?  Anyway, i don't really care about your cause, i just need someone to pull this thorn out of my @ss.  it is really hurting." then Ballsout bent over and showed the pirate his sore @ss.  "I fell in a rose bush!"

with a sudden and relieving realisation that Vader wasn't a perverted deviate, the pirate edged closer to him and reached out to pull the thorn out.  she grabbed it and pulled.  "EEEEE, AAAAAH, OOOOOOH!"  Ballsout said as it slided out of his @ss.  and then without hesitation and as soon as the thorn was out, he popped open his massive cod piece and his nuts fell out.  he spun around and knocked the gun from the pirates hands while his hands were in the air.  Ballsout picked it up and pointed it at the pirate, who was now not really giving a sh!t that she was unarmed.  she had her mouth open and her eyebrows raised.  "Wow.  You look a little backed up there, perhaps i can give you a hand."

Ballsout knew that this was not the time to get laid for the first time, but oh damn did he want to.  "How about tie you up and leave you here out of the way and when i stop your Nutcracker friends i'll come back and we can go somewhere really nice."

the pirate just nodded as she smiled and kept staring at his nuts.  "My name is Sleazy McSlip.  Oh and if you want to stop the pirates you will need to rescue the birds and give them back their super seeds that make them stronger then a Gundark.  That's why my boss Brian (What?  Not all characters can have names like Ballsout or Hairynut, besides, his last name is Van Damme and that's bad enough i feel) is here.  he thinks that he can harness the super seeds and that traiter Splitchy is in on it."

"All i want to do is cut a f*#king ribbon, is that to much to ask?"

"Was that rhetorical?"  Sleazy McSlip asked.

"Was that rhetorical?" Ballsout responded.

the both of them thought for a second and then Sleazy's attention went back to Ballsout's Balls out.  "You don't have to tie me up.  I'll come with you and help."

"Allright, i suppose i can trust you, since you do seem like a massive slut."

"Hey, i'm not massive at all, i'm quite petite actually.........but i am a slut!"

and off they went toward the Queen of the maidens tower, where the maidens and the birds were all being kept captive.  Sleazy helped Ballout slip in the back door (once again...!NOT sexual inyourendo) The gaurds were all relaxed because they didn't think that anyone would go up against the all powerful Brian, so they were all peeping through the maidens windows.  Actually, Sleazy and Ballsout just walked straight through the castle unchallenged by anyone, that is of course until they came to the top of the tower, where the seed was being held above the birds cage.  it was a long hard climb, but Ballsout had to do it.  He tucked his nuts back in and started climbing.

"I'll be waiting here."  Sleazy said as she looked for Splitchy or Brian.

Ballsout was getting further and further up the tower and closer to the super seed, when all of the birds saw him and got all excited and started tweeting.  "Shut the f*#k up birds, he's trying to save you."  Sleazy said, but they just kept tweeting away.  Sleazy didn't know what to do so she started doing a striptease.  the birds slowly started to stop tweeting and then they watched as the hot pirate got naked (yes i realise that birds staring at human women getting naked is a bit weird, but i just couldn't think of anything more appropriate to write, so stop judging me will you please) the birds were quiet for a minute and then started wolf whistling even louder.

"Oh you f*#king stupid birds, we should let you all get cooked up for stew."

And then out of nowhere, Splitchy flew toward Ballsout screeching.  Ballsout got out his lightsabre as he tried to hold onto the wall of the tower and he swung at the traitor.  "F*#k you b!tch."  Ballsout yelled and swiped at the bird.  it darted away and did not wish to attack again without some protection.  Splitchy then flew up to the birdseed and ate some super seed.  then Splitchy flew down and landed on Ballsouts saber and shit on it.  "SIZZLE!"  The smell of burning bird crap was offensive, but Ballsout got over it and then retracted the blade quickly and then reactivated it.  Splitchy had fallen and then when the blade reactivated it went up the birds @ss.  The screech now was deafening and obviously Splitchy was now well and truly @ss f*#ked (Yes that wasn't sexual inyourendo, but it was sexual and once again i'm sorry that this s#xual situation was between a man and a bird.)  Splitchy then fell to his death.  Ballsout then went to slash at the cage but got hit by a spray of lightning and dropped his lightsaber.  "Oh f*#k that."  Ballsout cried out as he hung by one hand and looked out at a ledge where a pirate, obviously Brian was standing with a cloak over his head, blocking his face.  "So, you have come to defeat me Lord Vader."

"Is that rhetorical?"  Ballsout asked.

"Ummm, don't know!  But very soon you will be rhetorical Vader."

Ballsout looked at this idiot with a confused look that of course no one could see because he had a mask on, but just assume he was looking confused for the stories sake.  "Do you even know what rhetorical means!"

"Yes, it means 'one who puts inanimate objects up one's own @ss'."

"WTF?"  Ballsout wasn't sure if he should laugh, explain the meaning or try to escape, but instead he decided to attack this cretin.  So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, i think you all know what Ballsout did next.  Yep, that's right, he got his ballsout.  the codpiece popped and out they sprung.  Across the abyss below and straight toward Brian.  just at the last minute, Brian pulled out a large hammer and whacked Ballsouts nuts really hard.  "Aah F*#K."  Ballsout called out.

"Well, we're not called the Nutcrackers for nothing kid."

Then Brian jumped a might jump across to the bird feeder and hung on opposite Ballsout.  "You will never win Vader.  I will be your doom."

"Suck my nut!"  was all Ballsout said as he swung one of his nuts up into Brians face and the other one down on his head.  Brian was dazed and confused but he managed to overcome the feeling of nut envy and raised his might hammer.  "I will now crush you."  Ballsout then did the only thing left to do. he dropped off.  he fell hard and fast and then.........he bounced on his nuts and flew straight back up toward Brian.  "Just call me the Nutcracker Cracker Brian.  Brian couldn't believe he was about to be punished.  He suddenly had his life flash into his head.  (baths with his Aunty June when he was twelve; throwing his neighbours cat off of the roof of their fifty storey building and running down to see if A) if he could beat it and B) if it landed on its feet; starting the Nutcrackers and buying a ship; being ravaged in jail that one time by the Wardens unfortunate daughter; And buying a holiday on Alderaan two weeks before it blew up.)  "It's just not fair!"  Brian said as Ballsouts Balls smashed into his head and stomach and sent him flying off of the bird feeder and to his death.

Splitchy and Brian lay dead on the floor together and Woop Woop was saved.  the birds were set free and got some super seed to round up all of the other pirates, except for Sleazy of course and then the maidens wanted to reward Ballsout for his bravery.  It was S#X time for Ballsout with five thousand maidens!!!!!Yah!!!!!!

Ballsout decided he would just go and wash up first.  he went into the toilet and looked in the mirror and decided that his helmet must have been malfunctioning, because he saw two Vaders.  then all went black!!!!!

When Ballsout woke up he was back in his Tie Fighter and his ship was set on a course for Coruscant.  an automated hologram recording activated.  "Hi Ballsout, it's Vader here.  Thanks for taking down that nasty Brian guy, I thought you could do it.  Anyway, I don't need you anymore because the Emperor has hired a Hand, An Emperors Hand to help around a bit; i'm not sure what a Hand does, but apparently its a hot chick and i'd rather have her around then you.  So, your pay will be at the office and then you can f*#k off.  Oh and by the way, thanks for leaving me with so many grateful women."

Vader disappeared and Ballsout was alone and very horny.  "That [email protected]@rd, when am i ever going to catch a break?"

"Was that a rhetorical question?"  A familiar voice said from the baggage compartment behind the seat.

"Sleazy?"

the door opened and Sleazy McSlut popped her head out.  "How you doing hero."

"But how did you get here and how did you know that i wasn't the real Lord Vader."

"Well, when you came back from the toilet i noticed that your cod piece was way too small, so i added it up and decided to follow the dude that Vader hired to get you back to the ship and send you off planet so that he could keep all of the maidens for himself."

"Wow, i'm so happy that you gave up the Lord of the Sith for me."

"I look at it this way, he's just one guy with one shot for five thousand girls.  You most likely have five thousand shots for one girl.  And i reckon that might do us for the rest of our lives."

"Are you proposing?"

"How about we stop talking now and get down to what you've been waiting all of your life for."

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm not about to give you a play by play on how hot Sleazy is and what she specifically does to Ballsout, but let's just say that after six weeks of consistent s#x, Ballsout was about ten sizes smaller in the cod piece, and Sleazy McSlut was now Sleazy Starcrapper and was probably pregnant with about ten kids.

The Force is definitely strong with Ballsout Starcrappers nuts.

The End!!!!!!

Enrique Force then sat back at his writing desk and sighed.  "Wow!  What will I write about now that Ballsout is married with kids?"

The phone then rang.  "Ola."

"Hi Enrique, it's Captain Mal, I was just wondering, after this next Ballsout story, could you write just one more?"

"Hmmmmm!!!!!  Sure thing!!!!!!!  I've got just the thing!!!!!"

Ballsout Starcrapper will return once more in - NUTWARS Episode 4,5 & 6 - (yet to be named but will probably have the word NUT in it)

And Mal Said..............

This is a casting call for anyone interested in being a part of the new Mad Max movie that will be titled, 'Mad Max - The Beaver Oasis' - It will be set twenty years after MM3 and will see the dwindled sanity of Max who has befriended a wise cracking beaver named Muffy Diver (Yes, I said Muffy Diver, I would be more discrete but seriously, why the f*#k should I be discrete?  Mel has a beaver on his hand and you think i'm not going to just wail all over it and create a very intensely focused story about Mel Gibson and a bunch of beaver, anyway back to the redundant but hopefully thought provoking tale).  So, Max and Muffy are climbing a cliff?? I don't know why, I just thought it would be a good opening to a movie, I Know that Stallone has already done it and so has that Scientologist guy, but you haven't lived until you've seen Mad Max scaling giant peaks while strapped to a beaver.  Max gets to the top and Muffy says.  "Wow Max, that's the most i've sweat since my stint in prison as a combination toilet brush and back scrubber."

"You were in prison!"  Max mumbles almost incoherently.  "What for?"

"I gave a policemen a blowjob."

"That's not a crime."

"She was asleep at the time and i woke up her husband.  I think she wanted me to finish but since her husband was there she just slipped her number in my pocket (He was wearing a pair of plaid golf pants at the time) and then arrested me."

The plain that they were on now seemed to go forever.  Their water was depleting and so was any hope.  Max however, did not seem to care whether he lived or died, but Muffy was scared.  Muffy wanted to see his harem again and he needed Max alive to get him there.  between the Plains of Sandy Cracks and the Beaver Oasis, was the town of Arze PlugVille.  Arze PlugVille was the most sadistically twisted town full of miscreants who would bend you over a barrel before even saying hello or finding out your name (and especially before buying you a drink or telling you that your hair is pretty).  Max new these areas and so did Muffy, but this time Muffy planned on not getting violated by one of The Arze Bandits and Max was just the man to get him around safely.

meanwhile in Max' mind, he was being tormented by all of the lost souls that he has to carry and the burden that weighs heavily upon him;  plus, he also has come to the realisation that he has not had s#x since his wife was run over in The Road Warrior.  His balls were getting rather heavy to carry around!

the odd duo pushed on and when night fell, they came to the city limits of Arze PlugVille.  Max felt deja vous and hoped that Tina Turner was not going to appear, cause that b!tch was freaky.  Max led Muffy around the town and then they started heading away and toward Beaver Oasis.  "Well that was easy."  Muffy said.

"Oh F*#k!"  Max said allowed as fifty Arze Bandits appeared from nowhere.  "You never assume that we are free until we are free Muffy or else you get caught, you silly little [email protected]"

"That's right!"  The extremely large hairy and sweaty leader of the group confessed. "We were all having arze s#x in the sand when we heard your voice.  Now you must come with us to the Wizard of Arze."

"So we're off to see the Wizard?"  Muffy asked.

"Shut the f*#k up Muffy or so help me......"  Max was hoping to Christ (oooh, maybe i shouldn't mention any religious stuff since Mel is in such sh!t over that anti-Yosemite thing)

Muffy and Max were led to a large room in the center of Arze Plugville.  "Another fine mess you've gotten us into Muffy."  Max commented.

"So,"  Said a girls voice behind a curtain.  "You are the one who made 'Bird on a Wire!"

Mel Gibson was a little confused.  "What, i thought we were rolling."

"Oh Mr Gibson, you haven't been on the film set since last night when you took a dive in the tequila pool, picked up two blonde japanese girls and ran off into the night.  When you woke up this morning with Muffy here you were convinced that the cameras were rolling and you were on set."

"So where the f*#k am I and why are you hiding behind the curtain."

the Female voice paused.  "Cause i'm shy."

"Oh you have nothing to worry about, i won't bite.  Unless you want me to."

And then the curtain dropped and behind it stood a woman who was not only six feet tall, she was seven feet wide.  Mel Gibson and the beaver named Muffy squeled and they ran.  "You have nowhere to go Mr Gibson."  called the voice.  "You will be my sex slave."

"Not if i can avoid it."  Mel Gibson ran faster then he ever had.  the giant emerald doors that they had to get through were locked so they went to the window and grabbed a couple of winged monkeys then jumped out the window.  Muffy's monkey flew up high and away from Arze Plugville, but Mel Gibson's monkey had just taken a Ruffi and was tripping real bad.  "Fly you drug f*#ked reject from that Wizard of Oz".  Mel was freaking out a little when they reached arm height and all of the Arze Bandit's were grabbing at his feet.  It wasn't long before his pants were pulled down and his hairy @ss was shown off to all of the horny little [email protected]@rds below.  "Nice poker stick"  one Arze Bandit said.  "Mmm Kosher" another one said.

Mel cringed and just did not want to land, so he did the only thing he could think of and it worked like a charm.  the Monkey flew straight up in the air and over the palace walls of Arze Plugville.  Mel then took his finger out of the monkey's @ss and desperately tried not to sniff his finger...................................but he did!  "Oooh yuk." He said and fell off the monkey.  down he fell, of course, until he hit the ground violently.  "Gee that smelt like onion and jizz!?"

Mel, now outside the gates of Arze Plugville, ran in the direction that Muffy was flying.

the Arze Bandits were on his......um........usually I wouldn't use Arze two times in a sentence for originality, but, Arze.  He ran and ran, but they were catching up to him quickly.  Mel could feel his @ss clenching in painful anticipation.  they were close now and getting closer.  "I'm too old for this sh!t!"  and then just before he was grabbed by two big hairy Arze Bandits, Muffy's Monkey swooped down and lifted him off the ground.  "We got you Mel."  Muffy yelled in excitement.  The Arze Bandits cursed at them with fists a shaking as Mel, Muffy and the Monkey flew away.  

"It won't be long until we get to the Beaver Oasis now Mel."

"Are you sh!tting me?  Is there really a Beaver Oasis?"

"Oooh yeah, and it is really sweet."

They flew for quite some time and then on the horizon they saw it.  palm trees a crystal lake and heaps and heaps of Beaver; sorry, i mean Beavers.  They landed on the outskirts and started walking toward it.  "So Muffy, i guess this is going to be like a new home for you with all these eligible Beavers here."

"Yeah, i am a bit of a hound, but there are human women as well.  Lots of them actually and they all are keen to get a bit of Mel Gibson into them."

"Wow.  Maybe this is were i'm meant to be.  Perhaps this is what i've been looking for all of my life.  Fantf*#kingtastic!"  As they got closer, Mel could not just see beavers everywhere, but he could see all of the women.  tall, short, blonde, brunette, red heads and lots of twins too.  It was like some sort of heaven.  then just as Mel was about to enter the Oasis it disappeared like a tv turning off.  "Cut!"

"What the F*#K?" Mel yelled and then the director came walking out behind a screen.

"That was some fabulous realism Mel.  That sh!t was tight."

"F*#k me, i thought i was in a desert."

"Yeah, that's right, it looked like you really believed that you were about to get your @ss plunged by a bunch of dudes.  It was awesome."

Mel Gibson then did the only thing that he thought was left for him to do.  He pulled out his gun and shot every mother f*#ker in the room.  it was like he was becoming Mad Max!  then he shot a hole in the wall and told the puppet on his hand that he still thought was a real beaver to hold onto its nutsack and he jumped through the wall and onto a big prop truck from the second Mad Max and started it up.  he then drove down Rodeo Drive, stopped at the lights and asked several desperate young women to hop in.  The girls were more then happy to do exactly what Mel Gibson told them to and Mad Max then drove off as the sun went down.

Back at the studio the director stood up unharmed and turned to his assistant.  "F*#k i hate it when he does this.  Lucky this time i put blanks in all the guns."

"Should we send out a search party for Mr Gibson?"  His assistant Hayley asked.

the director thought long and hard.  "No.......let's have some hot s#x instead and just cut the rest of the movie around the scenes we already have."  then the director thought some more.  "Hey Hayley do you think we could invite the Wizard of Arze into the trailer, she smells a bit but i like her style?"

Hayley didn't hesitate in doing as she was told but she had one more thing to say.  "Sir, do i have to wear the Tina Turner outfit this time or the Angry Anderson one?"

"Oooh, surprise me, yeah!"

Hmmmmm.  Hey folks, this is Captain Mal and I'm not quite happy with this story yet.  Maybe i will change it or do some tricky joke that ties it all together?????  Perhaps it might be a good idea to get some help.  I think i might ring my old pal, Enrique Force.

RING RING "Ola."

"Hey Enrique."

"Captain Mal, what an honor. what can i do for you?"

"Well, i'm going to send you a blog application and i was hoping you could have a look and see what you think of it. It just feels unfinished."

"Well Captain, I would love to have a look at it later, before I start my next Ballsout Starcrapper story, but right now we have a bit of an incident at our place."

"Oh!  What's wrong?"

"F*#k Captain Mal, you just aren't going to believe this, but none other then Mel Gibson is naked in our back yard talking to a puppet of a beaver on his hand.  Mr Gibson is trying to have s#x with a large statue of Cleopatra that Mum bought last Christmas.  It's an amazing spectacle!!  The police just arrived with tasers, plus for some reason he keeps screaming out to the statue 'Gee, that's funny, you don't look Jewish.'  If he doesn't pass out soon, i think the cops might take him down.  So, i have to go, but i will look at the email later."

Captain Mal (talking about myself in the third person) then smiled at the realisation that somehow, he must have been channeling Mel Gibsons life.

"Um, never mind Enrique, i think you've already helped me with the end of my story."

Enrique then said goodbye and hung up.

So, the moral of this story is that when you start to think that you are talking to a beaver, then it is either time to seek some serious mental assistance or you've been down there too long and you just will not, ever, ever, ever, find that clitoris!