Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

I ain’t no Albert Schweitzer, Einstein or Brooks, but I’ll give the age old question of ‘Which came first’ a go; I guess all I can do is f*#k it up and then hopefully it will just be funny instead of definitive.  Anyway to answer the question of ‘Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg is not something I take too freakin’ f*#kin’ lightly.  So I figure that to decide upon which came first, one must reach into ones commercialized beaten down soul to find the answer.  Firstly though I need you to answer a question for me (actually it’s rhetorical, which is a bit presumptuous of me to think that you were going to answer the question even before I ask it, but I guess I just know that instinct will always ask us to answer questions or think about what has been said to us; it is usually unavoidable, even if it is rhetorical.  For eg. (sorry, I should write ‘example’ instead of ‘eg.’ Since this story is about an egg, I don’t want you all to lose focus and get off of the f*#king point which is exactly what I am doing right now.  Anyway, if someone says “Hey you, think about a pair of breasts.”  Then you will most likely be immediately thinking about a pair of breasts, whether they be your own or your wife’s or Anne Hathaway’s or your high school Biology teachers………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. …………………………sorry, I was just thinking about breasts for a minute there.)  O.K. back to the cow and the dolphin, no wait, wrong story, the chicken and the egg; so my rhetorical question is ‘Is it Creationism or Evolution that you believe in?’  I believe that if you believe in just one then you are probably not thinking hard enough or you are thinking too hard and if it is either then you probably require a very stiff slap to the face or on the ass, whatever takes your fancy.  You see the most likely truth would be that you are both right, oooooooohhhhhhh shock horror!  This actually reminds me of a joke “A Christian and a scientist go into a bar and both ask for a beer.  The barman says, ‘It’s not often that I see a Christian and a scientist sitting together having a beer’ and the scientist says, well we finally came to a resolution about the beginning of time and life’ the bartender seems a little surprised and asks what the resolution is ‘Well you see I spent three days explaining a scientific algorithm to the good Christian here about how life was created from a big bang.’ ‘Yes’ said the Christian ‘And I spent three days telling the good scientist here about Gods awesome power and ability to create whatever, however he so chooses.’  ‘So what’s the resolution’ the bartender asked.  ‘We both realized that we just wasted six days talking about what has already been and gone so we made a resolution to get drunk and extremely laid and pretend that just for this evening that the Muslims got it right.”

Alright, so it’s not so much a joke as a poignant representation of how humans will never all agree upon one thing.  Of course even though a large amount of Muslims believe in Evolutionary Creationism, many do not.  So even within a religious community, beliefs these days are all f*#ked up with no real comprehensive sh!t going on.

Now Evolutionary Creationism is my belief!  And whether you believe in God, Midiclorians, Buddha, Some whacked out alien dude or what ever the f*#k, let’s just call her God for now.  You see God could go and hide dinosaur bones and sh!t in the dirt to challenge our faith, but, well, don’t be f*#kin’ stupid.  God created life and all the stars and Mynock that roam the Galaxy and then allowed it to evolve possibly with some further assistance.  Thus at some point, somehow an egg formed and a chicken popped the f*#k out of it.  Now if creationism was the way to go then obviously, God would just snap his fingers and say things like ‘Chicken’ and a chicken would be standing there saying to itself, ‘F*#k yeah and now I’m going to lay and egg, but that just seems to me to be bit too f*#kin’ wishy washy and presumptuous of people who read the Bible and think that it is all literal.  I’m sorry but that freakin’ f*#in’ book ain’t literal!!  For one thing, Goliath was a giant and we ain’t never ever found no giant bones.  The other thing is this Mary chick.  She tells her husband that she’s pregnant and it isn’t his baby, it’s Gods, and he just says, oh I believe you darling lets wander the desert now and have the baby in a f*#in’ barn; I don’t f*#kin think so.  That guy would be all, “Who’s this God b!#ch; why are you dissin’ me, I work all day at the hay packing plant and come home and you telling me that you got a headache, but really you out with some dude named God all day messin’ around.’………………….anyway, I’d say I’m going to hell for that.  Sorry if I just offended anyone, but please believe me that anything I do say is not really based on fact, but it is based on my desire to get a point across to you.  Life is too short to be all fighting about how sh!t came to be; alright I know that it’s our human instinct to kill for land or women or oil or power, but eventually I hope that we all just stop and say, ah f*#k it, let’s go get a beer and get laid and eat some f*#kin’ chicken with a side order of eggs and not even care that the chicken crossed the road because there was a spunky looking Rooster on the other side worth a root.

So have a nice day and just remember to think about nice luscious breasts!

P.S. if you didn’t quite catch my answer through the entire soap box rambling, the f*#king Egg came first o.k! Now…think about BREASTS!!!!

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And Mal Said.....................

Hello Bloggers, Obviously this photo has been doctored!  I have personally never seen a cow swim with a dolphin, well, not so close to a human boat before anyway.  It is just unheard of!!  All I have heard though, are rumors and bedtime stories about the mythical beasts of the Bovine world that travel the oceans in search of a powerful source of energy that will once and for all rid them of their human oppressors.  Plus they like to have sex with dolphins; but that just doesn’t even need to be said, everybody knows that!!  This specific photoI know is Brakyliostrum, but since that is such a mouth full how about we just call him T-Bone.  T-Bone is the ruler of all Bovine and has eluded the humans for centuries; alright maybe not centuries, but let’s just say that sheis f*#king good at eluding us.  Interpol has a special Bovine branch setup to exclusively track down members of T-Bones organization ‘Bovine Organisation Of Bloodshed Stoppers’ or ‘Boobs’.  So T-Bone and his B.O.O.B.S have reportedly found a map with the help of the Dolphins Underground Squad called ‘Dolphins In Constant Knowledge’ or ‘D.I.C.K.’.  So when you get a D.I.C.K member in the middle of B.O.O.B.S. you get a whole lot of positive friction.  D.I.C.K & B.O.O.B.S go together like Surf N’Turf. It was just meant to be!  So T-Bone and his D.I.C.K. bodyguard Finlay(which is actually exactly what T-Bone did as soon as the mission was over), were headed to an underground cavern on the outskirts of the Caribbean Islands. Apparently though it was guarded by two ginormous Octopi who just so happened to belong to the evil organization ‘Happy Excited Members Of

Really Really Horrible Octopi Incorporated Dirty Suckers’ or ‘HEMORRHOIDS’.  So to beat the HEMORRHOIDS and get into the tight entrance behind them or more commonly known as the ‘Arched Nautical Access Lair’ or ‘A.N.A.L’ Canal, T-Bone and Finlay had to draw upon their vast knowledge of Octopi warfare and their copy of Sun Tzu’s ‘Art of War’ to defeat the HEMORRHOIDS.  The HEMORRHOIDS crumbled under the exhausting pressure of the D.I.C.K members assault and even though T-Bone wanted to go into the A.N.A.L canal to retrieve the prize, Finlay knew that only a D.I.C.K member could squeeze in successfully.  Before Finlay entered, he looked at T-Bone and said with a glint in his eye. “How about you just hang around here and look pretty until I come!!”

T-Bone was worried as Finlay took so long and it even took him a few tries before he could even squeeze through the opening, but he did it and finally he came back with another map.  T-Bone felt disappointed.  “Will this be our life Finlay, side by side always coming here and there just to find another clue that sends us to another clue?”

“Well my dear leader ofthe B.O.O.B.S if that is our fate then there is nowhere I would rather be then to be a D.I.C.K member smack bang in the middle of the B.O.O.B.S; I can’t see a better place for me.  Of course that is until we find the ‘Vital Arena Ground Intrinsic Natural Access’ that is the home of the powerful source of energy that will free us all.”

“Yes dear Finlay, I suppose we can dream.”

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And Mal Said.....................

Folks, I have been asked by the moderator to explain this partly drunk bottle of Schwippees (see what I did there) Soda Water??!!  And here it goes………………..

Xombert, apart from having an unfortunate name handed down to him by his alcoholic Mother who then adopted him out to a lovely Irish family, was an unfortunate man!  He grew up in Ireland and later moved to a nondescript location where he gained employment at Schwippees bottling factory.  In this particular town Schwippees was the reason that the town existed.  Almost all of the township worked there and owed their lives to its hefty popularity.  Xombert however did not care too much for the goings on of the town; not because he did not care, but because he found himself not being capable of caring.  Xombert was the closest thing to being a recluse that there was without him actually being a recluse.  Xombert stayed in his house every weekend, every morning before work, every afternoon after work and on every public holiday.  He would leave his home at exactly 7.53am and walk three kilometers to the Schwippees factory where he would check in at 8.25am and would visually check every bottle that past his station to make certain that they all were filled correctly and labeled correctly.  Xombert never faltered!  At 12.00 sharp every day he would leave his post while his lunchtime replacement would take over for exactly 27 minutes until he returned.  During that time Xombert would eat a cheese sandwich – no butter, he would drink a half a glass of orange juice and would then progress to a couch in the employees lounge that was rarely occupied at that time of day since most employees took there lunch at 12.30.  While sitting in this lounge for approx. 16 minutes he would take out a picture of the very beautiful Dutch actress Famke Janssen and he would just look at her.  Xombert had what he would call an acute devotion to the actress; anyone else though would say he was seriously obsessed.  Xombert had saved his money over the years and was finally coming close to being able to afford a very special gift for himself; a lifesize rubber doll of Famke Janssen!  It would be the closest thing to real that he ever thought he could have.  No other woman ever caught Xomberts attention, actually he always tended to avert his eyes away from anyone who would cross his path.  Xombert had no friends and had no desire for friends.

Two years ago a new girl from accounting did not know of Xomberts quirks and approached him to ask him for directions.  Xombert then freaked out and had a minor fit, sh!t his pants and fell to the floor and was knocked unconscious.  Nobody touched him and the girl quickly retreated back to accounting scared out of her wits.  After two years, nobody had spoken to him except for his boss who appreciated Xombert for his accurate devotion to the job and just left him to it.

On May 11 though, a change was in the air.  Xombert did not know what was different about the day, but he had goose bumps all the way to work.  When he arrived nothing was different however when it came time for lunch he was seriously concerned about the fact that Wilson the temporary lunch replacement was not there at 12.00 sharp.  At 12.01 and 15 seconds somebody else entered his work space; somebody very different yet, surprisingly familiar.  Xombert then broke his golden rule, he looked up into the replacements eyes.  It was a woman, a beautiful woman with dark hair and a striking face, she had pure white teeth and a glowing complexion.  Xombert was staring into the eyes of a woman whom looked almost exactly like Famke Janssen!!!  Xombert looked away quickly and went to leave, but the woman touched him on the shoulder and said.  “It’s my first day; could you please give me a run down on my role?”  Well folks, I think you know what happened.  Xombert shook and tensed up and sh!t his pants and fell epileptically to the floor.  He hit his head and went into a half comatose state.  He could see things going on around him, but he was too overwhelmed to do anything.  Xombert expected the woman to run away and call an ambulance and never come back…………..he was wrong.  Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you a minor detail that I suppose has some bearing on this part of the story.  Xombert was a Leprechaun, of course everyone just thought him to be a little person, but no, he was a Leprechaun.  His Mother was the Queen of the Leprechauns and died of liver failure at the ripe old age of seven hundred and six.  Xombert was actually the next in line for the throne, but he did not know about this situation since he was adopted away from the Leprechaun Guildship.

Anyway back to the story; Xombert watched helplessly as the Famke look alike picked him up and carried him to the employee showers.  She stripped him, washed him, was heard saying “damn that’s a big penis for such a small guy”, dried him off, found him some new green overalls and then took him to the employee lounge.  After three hours of the Famke look alike sitting with Xombert, he finally came around and spoke to her.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, what’s your name?”

“Xombert Smith.”

The woman then did something even more strange and got down quickly on the ground and bowed to him.  “Oh it is you my King.  I have searched this retched land for decade in hope that one day I would find you and bring you back to your throne. I am Famkena, the Elvin Princess of your Ireland!”

Xombert just stared at her for a while and then spoke wisely.  “I think I’m going to sh!t myself again.”

“You are Xombert MacCockring heir to the throne of the Leprachaun Guildship.  Your people rule the land and all of the Guilds of this world beyond the human’s narrow sight.  What say you King?”

“I think some poo just dribbled out, just a little bit though!”

“It seems this land has made you weak and mindless my King, take this ring, it is your birthright.”  Famkena handed him the ring and Xombert reluctantly took it while clenching his Butt Cheeks intensely together.  He eyed it and he felt somewhat comfortable with it.  Xombert put the ring on and everything changed.  In an instant, Xombert saw the history of his people, including all of the wars, the peaceful times, the orgies, the lessons learnt, no wait go back to the orgies – damn! It won’t go back, the beautiful land that is protected, the gold riches of the Leprachauns and the fact that he Was the King of all that is Mythical to Humans.

“But how could this be, I am but a mere bottle inspector, raised by a simple family, how could this be?”

“Your Mother was a drunken f*#king idiot, but she was Queen and we had to respect her wishes, but now she is dead and your people need you back.”

Xombert then felt the pride and the inspiration of his responsibilities.  “I will go back with you Famkena, I will be King!”

“Good, because I am to be your Queen.”  Xombert then fell epileptically to the floor and knocked himself out but not before excreting out everything that was left inside.

Famkena then repeated her duty and undressed and bathed the King; but this time…….she sucked him off.

What can I say, a girl has to know what she’s getting herself into

When Xombert awoke he felt a little strange and definitely lighter on his feet, he felt more confident and more alive.  He actually was able to speak to Famkena without sh!tting himself of passing out.  But, he was feeling very f*#king dehydrated after all of that diarrhea.  So Xombert went back to the bottling line which was still going unchecked and grabbed a bottle off of the line, he took a long sip, accidentally backwashed in it, and put it back on the conveyor belt.  He watched as the bottle sped off to be capped and packed and thought to himself; I wonder what sorry son of a bitch will wind up with that bottle, especially since Xombert had a brutal case of Oral Herpes.  Xombert MacCockring and Famkena Toitbot then began their journey back to Ireland and onto Xomberts brave new future.

But that is another story………………………………………….Oh and by the way, Famkena was definitely liking every inch of her husband to be and Xombert cancelled the life size replica of Famke Janssen; he spent the money on ‘Depends’ instead, can’t go sh!tting on velvet now can we.

Oh and guess who ended up with that bottle of Soda Water; yep, the moderator, might want to get that lip checked dude.

Til next time, to be sure, to be sure!  Happy St Patricks Day!!!

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And Mal Said.....................

Yorgan was happy man!  Yorgan loved boats!  Yorgan loved playing the harp!  Yorgan loved his Mother, was adored by women and admired by men.

Yorgan also had a massively long penis. Yorgan is also the name for a hand made quilt! Most of these facts however have inconsistently got little to do with the story I am about to bestow upon you.

Yorgan the motor repair man or more commonly known behind his back as Yorgan with the Gorgon Organ (Gorgon being that of a mythical creature, one of which that if you look directly into its eyes; or for the purpose of this story, eye, you would turn to stone) was a simple and motor-vated man (pardon the pun).  Yorgan lived for his job and loved going to work every day.  Yorgan would get up early every morning, breakfast with his mother, with whom he lived, then went straight to the boat yard, where he worked, and would begin repairing motors.  At noon every day he would take out his harp and play for exactly fifteen minutes and then he would organize his deliveries of repaired motors.  Today Yorgan was to return the motor of the billionairess, Sara Lickensdeschlong.  Yorgan enjoyed trips to Sara’s boat; she would serve him tea, give him tours, accidentally spill wine all over his pants & then offer to soak them for him, she would then ask him to change lightbulbs around the boat while she held the ladder.  At this stage I should also tell you that Yorgan was a virgin; actually, Yorgan thought virgin only related to olive oil and Jesus’ Mum.  Sara on the other was a viciously dirty slut and wanted a crack at the Gorgan Organ.  She wanted today to be the day!  Yorgan arrived at 1pm sharp and brought the motor down to the boat.  Sara was awaiting his arrival.  “Hello Yorgan, I like your red shorts, I think I will forgo the red wine today and have some Midori instead.”  Yorgan was unaware as to what the color of his shorts and Sara’s drink had to do with each other, but he just smiled and went to jump over onto the boat with the motor.  “Oh no Yorgan, please hand me the motor, I have just had the deck waxed and I would not like to see you fall over and hurt your lovely self.”  Yorgan thought that Sara was nice to offer, but the motor was heavy.  “Are you sure Miss Sara, the motor is big and heavy, I do not want you to strain yourself.”  Sara just giggled.  “Oh don’t you worry about me handling big, heavy things Yorgan and I’ve never strained myself before.”  “But this is a very heavy motor Miss Sara.”  “I can take it Yorgan, if you’re happy to give it to me.”

Oh boy, I think this is a good time to take a break as this story is starting to sound a lot like every porn movie ever made, the difference is that the ending definitely will not play out like every porn movie ever made, so please read on knowing that Yorgan and Sara do not sail off into the sunset together.

Yorgan then reluctantly handed Sara the motor.  Sara took the motor and thought it to be rather light; Yorgan then let go of the motor.  The motor dropped straight down between the dock and the boat and as tragic as this was Yorgan knew that he could retrieve it for Sara, however the tragic thing was that Sara was still holding onto the motor.  Sara was yanked off the deck and was dragged straight down into the water; finally letting go and resurfacing.  Yorgan panicked as nobody was around to help and the only rope was tied to the boat and if he untied anything then the boat may squash Sara.  Yorgan had to think quickly, but thinking was not his strong suit.  “Help!  Help Yorgan, throw me something to pull me up.”  “But there is no rope Miss Sara and my arm is not long enough to reach you.”  Sara quickly thought of Yorgan’s penis (and then for a brief moment she remembered the time when Yorgan did not wear underpants to her boat yet she still got him to change lightbulbs.  “Drop your [email protected]!”  “Pardon Miss Sara.”  “Your [email protected] is huge, drop it down to me.”  “Beg your pardon Miss Sara, but do you mean my Pee Stick?”  “I don’t care what you call it Yorgan, just drop it down here so I can climb up.”  Yorgan quickly obliged not knowing what else to do and dropped his penis down toward Sara.  SPLASH!  “Holy sh!t.”  Sara cried as she realized how close to being knocked out she had just been and then grabbed hold of the enormous falice.  Yorgan started pulling Sara up but was having some trouble and then felt strangely…..well……..strange.  Yorgan felt a weird sensation flow through his body and then the most dramatic thing happened.  Yorgan’s Pee Stick stiffened up instantly and flung Miss Sara out of the water and straight up into the air.  Sara Lickensdeschlong flew for about twenty meters and landed on a car in the parking lot and was knocked unconscious.  Yorgan was stunned and scared and concerned and most of all for the first time in his life, he was horny.  It was not an emotion that he understood, but he felt it anyway and he was determined to find out what it meant.

Sara Lickensdeschlong wound up in the hospital with a shattered pelvis and would not be able to have sex for six months.

Yorgan became an international porn star and finally moved out of his Mothers house and into the Playboy mansion.

And as for the fact that Yorgan is also the name of a hand made quilt, well, isn’t it enough that a simple repair man sent a hot half naked woman flying through the air just by getting an erection, you want me to make up some crap about a quilt too, I don’t f*#kin think so.

Oh and by the way, in six months Sara tracked Yorgan down and they had donkey sex and then sailed off into the sunset.

So….I lied…….sue me [email protected]

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And Mal Said.....................

The challenge with [email protected] is not tobe the toughest [email protected] on the block, but to have an unbeatable strategy!

Chin Li, the local jungle boy always lived his life idolizing [email protected] fighters.  In the town close to his tree housemany a men would [email protected] fight.  They would raise their [email protected] well, preen them constantly, keep them clean and strengthen them for [email protected] fighting.

Chin Li did not have a big [email protected], but he was very proud of it none the less.  One day he swore to be a professional [email protected] fighter and to be the envy of the whole town.  Chin Li knew that training his [email protected] to be the best was necessary so he visited the old wise monkey, Red Balls, (Now, I understand that by now you are probably thinking;hey Capt. Mal, you can’t be serious; a talking f*#king monkey, but I implore you to realize that this is just a freakin’ story, so get over it will you, you tight @ss’d twit) anyway where was I?  oh yeah; talking monkey!  So Chin Li saw Red Balls and was shocked; and then Red Balls pulled up his pants.  “Sorry about that,” said Red Balls. “I usually walk around the house with out pants on because I masturbate so much.  That’s also why I have Red Balls”.  Then Chin Li asked. “Is that why you are called Red Balls?”  “No,”He said. “Mothers maiden name was Balls and I did not want to take Fathers name because he was asshole”.  “And what was his lastname?”  Chin Li asked.  “Nutsack!”  Chin Li could see why Balls was a better name then Nutsack, so he decided to change the subject.  “Will you teach me to [email protected] Fight oh great master of [email protected] fighting?”  “Show me your [email protected]!”  Chin Li showed him “You have a nice [email protected]!” and Red Balls agreed.  Day by day, Chin Li learned and mastered new strategies of [email protected] fighting.  After many moons and many tear jerking training sessions of testing his [email protected] on many different and grueling exercises, Red Balls decided that Chin Li was to learn the most important test of [email protected] fighting.  “Today you must learn how a tiny ferret can escape from a python!”  Red Balls then took out a tube of Vaseline and smeared it all over a ferret and threw the ferret into a pit with only one escape route, then a massive python came out of a hole and proceeded to chase the ferret.  The ferret ran for a while but eventually the python caught him and twisted its body around the ferret to crush it to death. Chin Li could no longer see the ferret and thought that this lesson was turning out to be a little bit f*#king pointless, but then all of a sudden the ferret ran up Red Balls leg and onto his shoulder.  Chin Li was amazed and watched as the python searched for its kill without any idea where the f*#k it had gone.  “You see jungle boy, if you are small, you must have many tricks and be well lubricated otherwise you will prove that size does matter.”

A week later Chin Li’s [email protected] was pitted against the largest black [email protected] in the county, that just so happened to be owned by Red Ball’s Father.  Chin Li was scared, but his [email protected] just seemed to stand tall and stare piercingly at its opponent while covered in vaseline.  The [email protected] fight started and Chin Li’s [email protected] and the big black [email protected] battled.  For a while Chin Li’s [email protected] got a few good pecks in but it was quickly knocked down by the opposition.  Then just when the crowd thought Chin Li’s [email protected] was beaten hard, it stood up and slipped out of a death grip and whacked the big black [email protected] from behind and then pecked it right in the nutsack.  The big black [email protected] went down and went down hard; it was limp now and just couldn’t stay up any longer.  Chin Li’s [email protected] was announced the winner.

Red Balls was a happy man, his student had beaten his Fathers [email protected] and severely wounded its nutsack, what a glorious victory.

The jungle boy was happy too; he was a professional [email protected] fighter and he had the most desired [email protected] in the county and he was only ten years old.

I love happy endings!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I have no idea why Chin Li is blowing water on that anonymous Rooster

P.P.S. oh and if you don’t quite get what the story is really about then maybe it is for the best

P.P.P.S. if however you do now know what the story is about then perhaps you should read it again with that in mind. 

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And Mal Said.....................

Ali, Poonani Spoonani and Jiver all live in Dhaka, Bangladesh!  They are the West Street Monkey gang.  They take no s*#t and they fling heaps of it. They are known for many atrocities, yet the most severe is doggy sodomizing.  One day, Ali and Jiver took their crazed Cousin Poonani Spoonani out on the town to find some doggy action.  They raided manyfruit stands and ate many dates, they sodomized many dogs and some puppy’sand had a marvelous day.  But, what the mischievous monkeys were unawareof, was that Pringle, the Doggy Vet was on their case.  Pringle had discovered many cases of dog sodomy and was disgusted, actually I would go as far as to say that when he heard of the incidents he put his penis in a bowl of custard and proclaimed proudly and loudly “I AM F*#KING DISCUSTARD” (sorry, that was just a joke, I don’t think Pringle did that; maybe he did??!!)  Pringle then got his bag of rope and monkey tranquilizers and headed out on the town himself to bag himself some naughty little monkey’s.  It took him all night to track the West Street Monkey gang down, but he did it and made his move stealthily and with amasterful knowledge of Monkey stalking.  Firstly, Pringle found a paleblue bike to sneak up on the Monkey’s.  He rode really fast and jumped off of the bike and grabbed one of the two Monkey’s from behind(yes, you caught it, I said two not three).  Jiver screamed and Pringle quickly tied his hands together and then started to stuff Ali into hisbag.  Pringle felt the success flow through him.  He was not a Vet toF*#k with; he was a bad ass MoFu.  Suddenly, everything went black and Pringle passed out.

For all of  you who have seen the picture,you already know that Poonani Spoonani whacked poor Pringle on the head with a big stick, however, Pringle knows nothing of what happened.  All he knows is that he woke up three hours later tied up with his pants pulled down and his ass felt a little uncomfortable.  Dr Pringle was never the same man everagain.  As for the West Street Monkey gang, they continued to sodomize dogs on the streets of Dhaka for a long time and then one day….without any warning an uprising of dogs turned on the monkey’s and proceeded to eat them; but not before a little bit of sodomy.

It’s a cruel and interesting world we live in, but just remember that if you f*#k with mother nature and fate, then you are probably going to get f*#ked back.  Sometimes it is just wiser to let the monkeys f*#k the dogs and then perhaps one day the dogs will eat and f*#k them.  The circle of life is a beautiful thing, so just sit back and watch it unfold, otherwise you might get f*#ed by a bunch of naughty little monkeys.

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And Mal Said.....................

Obviously, when first looking at this beautiful picture of incandescence, ones eye would naturally go straight to theintricate and masterful conglomerate of colors and shading placement.  A true appreciator of leadlight art would see that this piece glows with purity.  Others though may look at the picture and think, ‘hey, whyis that kid sucking on that dudes c*ck?’

Now, let me just stop you right there folks.  This in no way depicts pedophilia within the church.  This in no way depicts anything other than acceptance and true humanity.  The person on their knees is not a child.  The person is, for lack of more appropriate phrasing, suffering from dwarfism.  The reason however, for a‘person with dwarfism’ or a Little Person to be giving the holy father a personalized knob wax is a story of courage and goodness, not of profanity and pornography.

The story starts like this: Father Rudolf was raised by a good man, a kindly man, a homosexual man.  When Father Rudolph was but a boy, he would spend all of his time at the church with his Father doing good deeds among the parishioners.  Many different and wonderful people would come through the doors in need of assistance. Young Rudolph would watch his father help remove rusty piercings from prostitutes private parts, remove gerbils from homeless folks rectums, remove splinters out of ‘Little Persons’ penises (or is it peni, or is itonly peni when you have eight, no wait that’s octopi, so maybe it is just penises. By the way, if you had eight penises………..nevermind!) and most importantly he would polish or wax bald men’s heads.  Forsome reason, he always told Rudolph that it was important for a bald man to have a shiny bald head; f*#k knows why, but he never questioned anything. As the years grew on and Rudolph’s father figure got older, Rudolph started to take up the tradition of helping the pro’s and derelicts and politicians who would frequent the church.  Then one day Rudolph walkedinto the back room to get another spatula (for the waffle’s that get burnt onto the cleavage of Elenora Spank, the largest woman in Frigid county)and he came across his Father figure standing with his pants down, getting blown by a ‘Little Person’ with an exceptionally shiny head. His Father figure was calling to the Lord and stating something about his evil being sucked out of him. The ‘Little Person’ then finished and spat into a spittoon.  Rudolph was not seen so he grabbed the spatula and returned to assist a severely uncomfortable Elenora Spank.  Later that night he decided to confront his Father figure about this event.  Rudolph told of what he saw and awaited an answer.  “Well my boy, it’slike this, I am a Homosexual and I have an obsession with the shiny bald heads of Little People, I am also more of a sexual degenerate then any of the sorry [email protected]@rds that walk through those church doors.  I’m sorry to have disappointed you boy and ever since your parents died I have tried to change my ways and bea better role model for you so I could become a true Father, but I just couldn’t.’ He then sat and cried!  Rudolph then gazed upon his Father figure and did not see a broken man, he only saw his Father.  Rudolph then helped hisf ather to become a true Father of the church along side himself and then on amid November eve, Rudolph’s Father died; of seventeen sexually transmitted diseases all at once.  Most doctors just threw their hands inthe air and said, ‘F*#ked if I know how he died of all of them at once’. Father Rudolph then had a lead light picture erected in the atrium of the church that depicted him standing side by side with his father and had a Little Person added sucking his own d!ck to show his acceptance of his father and that love in this world comes in many shapes and sizes.

And as for those of you pedophiles out there, I hope when you die, the devil f*#ks you every afternoon with his rusty pitchfork.  So make sure that next time you think  you see a guy getting a blowjob, perhaps you should take a closer look, because it might not be what you first thought it to be; however, don’t get too close just in case it isand you get spunked!!!

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And Mal Said.....................

Page 72 simply relates to the term bodhimandala or "bodhimanda" (Sanskrit

for "buddha position" or "buddhahood"), in its original meaning, is the

achievement of enlightenment, or the meditative posture adopted by a

Buddhist to that end.

Achieving this state allows you to come to terms with the fact that so many

people in this world are just f#@king idiots.

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