Captain Mal Explains

And Mal said.........

The all new Sphincty Flush from Enema labs was been handed out to five lucky people to test the Sphincty Flush in the home environment.  The instructions were handed out also, but some of the users decided to use it for other purposes.  The lady pictured decided that the Sphincty Flush would be a great way to put out a fire and she was correct.  Another lady shot it down her husbands throat while he was sleeping and then dumped him in the bathtub.  Two other very friendly ladies got together and decided that their @ssholes weren't exactly the way they wanted to test the Sphincty Flush (well....not the only way) and the last woman took it into her shower stuck it up her @ss and fired.  The result was messy but it worked beautifully.  Enema labs were confused then by their findings and weren't certain as to the best way to market this versatile product.  In the end it was decided that it would be sold as a fire extinguisher, mostly because after their tests, one mad was dead, two women refuse to leave the bedroom and the woman whom used it for its supposed use is in hospital from smoke inhalation since she left the oven on and her house was on fire while she was giving herself an Enema because she inserted it so far up her @ss that she passed out from Penis Envy.

Enema Labs released this statement this morning.

'Enema Labs wishes to present the Flusher, a fire extinguisher that has only one purpose, to put out fires.  It has no other uses and we are not held liable for any medical repercussions, however, if you do happen to stick the Flusher into ANY orifice, you may well become addicted.  So please purchase a Flusher today and remember that fighting fires is a serious business and we do not encourage you to do so alone.  Use the Flusher on small fires and cats having s#x outside your window, however since the Flusher was invented by women, we do also endorse the use of the Flusher for killing your lying cheating [email protected] of a husband.  Enema Labs!  Making the world a better place!

And Mal said............

Harry Crankster is a rational man!  He humours those around him who do things that annoy him.  If someone cuts him off then he simply rationalises that perhaps that person is in more of a hurry then he is and forgets about it.  If he sees a mother smoking while taking her baby for a walk or drive he gets close to stopping the woman and beating the utter [email protected] out of her, but he doesn't, because firstly, she wouldn't understand why, because people who do that to their kids are f*#ked in the head and self absorbed & secondly, because it would upset the child.  Many other things pass Harry by and he just gets on with his day; for eg. women who don't shave under their armpits, t.v. shows hosted by a Daddo, TV Evangelists (folks I think you know by now that this one is a particular sore spot for Capt. Mal as well), bicyclists who want to drive on the road but then when a red light comes up they jump the curb and go across at the pedestrian crossing, the fact that we can afford space exploration but not a cure for nut cancer that doesn't include massive doses of radiation, G-strings on ugly hairy dudes at the beach, Jean Claude Van Damme making a movie named after himself and getting critical acclaim, Gwyneth Paltrow, the fact that adding avocado and spinach to a burger makes it gourmet thus allowing it to cost ten dollars, the fact that people vote for the other guy because he pisses them off the least just to be pissed off by the other guy after they get voted in and then to whine about them until the next election, violent cough farts (when you cough and fart at the same time which prevents you from being able to lift your cheek causing massive cheek vibration), the fact that nursery rhymes and fairy tales are all about dying or killing and we still read them to our children with a high pitched voice and expressions of exuberance, Guns n Roses' new album, police cars that speed and.....um......France (Yup, all of it and everything related).  

So yes, ladies and gentlemen, Harry Crankster is a very patient man; except of course for one thing.  Some people may find what Harry hates most of all to be unnecessary, but to Harry, it is the vein of his existence.  There is not a day that goes by that Harry does not fear one of these f*#king people approaching him; he hates them!

Happy Shiny People drive Harry Crankster f*#king insane!!!!!!!!!

you could just be walking along minding your own business and then all of a sudden one will jump out in front of you and smile and raise their eyebrows and ask how your day is and then they'll smile even bigger and say something like 'That's just fan tatily tastic'.  Or you could walk into that video store with the blue and yellow color coded sign and the person behind the counter just smiles and thanks you for coming into the store, but when you ask them a question about a movie as they smile like an @ss f*#ked waif and have no f*#king clue what the movie is about whether it is worth the ten f*#king dollars.  They just keep smiling and smiling and smiling!  Don't get him wrong though folks, it's not smiling that pisses him off, its fake smiling, it's people who try to find themselves or make themselves happy by reassuring that the people around them are happy also or maybe they think that they alone can save the f*#king world with their smile.  The only person who can save the world is Obama Sin Bad...um...no that's not right....Barrack Osama....no...um...anyway, you know the dude I mean, but there ain't no f*#king way that he's going to save this world with a smile, he's more likely to team up with Arnold Schwarzenegger (wow, I got that right but not Borrat Obama..Borrock SimLlama...ah f*#k it) and force the world to create a unified world government to f*#k oppression and war and to bring back Boston Legal.

But no, Harry is no hero, but he has put his foot down and is doing something proactive about this infestation of happy little f*#kers who get in your space.

Harry Crankster has trained a dog!!!!!!!!

I think that the picture above speaks for itself and I hope you weren't expecting some story about how Janice the Dog Trainer pissed her dog off this morning by not allowing it to hump her leg after she was dressed in her nice velvet slacks so it bit her face off.  No, Janice did allow her dog to hump her leg, because it's the only action she gets these days since the s#x change, but that dog in the picture is not her dog.  It's Harry's dog!  Chomper has been specifically trained to bite any f*#ker with a fake smile!  Obviously Janice has a fake smile and constantly thinks about drowning Mrs Smutkins and her world class Poodle in a bath of Egg Whites (why egg whites you say, well, Janice is on a diet and it was the first thing that came into her mind)  but I digest (peace out Blue Harvest fans), Chomper bit Janice in the mouth!  Yes it does seem a little cruel, but Harry doesn't really give a flying f*#k.  It's been six months, twelve days and seventeen hours until he has had to deal with a Happy Shiny Person and oh look, a bunch of Hairy Christians....um no that's not right...a bunch of the bald f*#kers who hand out flowers for a dollar and only eat turnip soup are approaching Harry Crankster.  It looks like Chompers going to have his paws full tonight.  Good night folks and remember, smile because you're happy, not because you're full of sh!t or you just may be visited by a smile hungry puppy and his extremely patient owner, Harry Crankster, Psychiatrist.

And Mal said..........

Josephine and Clarence fell in love!

They had a love that would out last any other!

Their love was unbreakable, immortal and beautiful!

Josephine and Clarence were also cousins!!

After Josephine's Father and his brother, Clarence's Father decided that their children would be wed in their eighteenth year and this celebration was had amongst all of the family. Friends, work mates, ex-lovers, bowling partners & live-in slave swere all invited as well, but it seemed that after all of the invites were written Josephine realised that everyone at the wedding would be a relation of some sort or another, except for Father Gregory and his guest. "Ha, imagine that."  She said as if it  were just a funny coincidence.  Clarence came home from the store with the sex aids and asked how the wedding plans were going.

"Well Clarence, I just can't seem to find a seat for Aunty Bethany.  Since she has had sex with everyone who will be at the wedding over 15 I thought of putting her next to Father Gregory since he is not allowed to be tempted, but then I thought of how Bethany just loves to drop cutlery and then offer fellatio under the table that I think maybe between her sisters would be better.  She is probably not as keen to stoop them at the wedding."

"Good idea darling, however I'm pretty sure Father Gregory is married."

"Oh, well that makes a big difference, I'll put Aunty Bethany next to him and his wife.  Keep it in the family hey."

"Absolutely dear. Now, I have my Pantaloons on so let's go and put these napkin rings and the fish scaler to good use."

Nine Months later Frederick was born.

Josephine then went to America on a backpacking journey by herself for ten months

And Nineteen months after that Yusef  and Yergen were born

and then Erika and Babette ten months after that.

Josephine and Clarence were very happy until some years later when Frederick was a teenager, Guns n Roses came to Happy Valley.  Josephine did not want anything to do with the concert, but Frederick was very excited because he loved Axel Rose. Clarence could not see the issue so he allowed Frederick to go as long as Josephine and he could accompany him.  Frederick could not think of anything more appropriate then taking his parents to a rock concert.

During Mr. Brownstone Frederick got caught in the Mosh Pit and was hit very hard in the nuts by some bald sweaty dude.  Josephine and Clarence lost him and were very afraid for him.  But then the concert stopped and Axel Rose called out into the audience.  "We have a boy in the back who has been hit in the head and says his Mum and Dad are here.  If you are here could you come on back and get him?"

The audience were ropeable but Axel then just told them all to shut the F*#k up.  Then he said Clarence and Josephine (especially Josephine). "Well f*#k me up a wall and down a slippery slide, Josephine."

Clarence was shocked that this long haired man new her.  "You never told me you knew Akmal Rose."

"It's Axel darling and yes I met him while I was backpacking all those years ago.  Hello Axel is my boy allright?"

"F*#k!  He's yourboy, he looks just like Axel jnr."

"Um, this is my husband Clarence."  Josephine tried to change the subject but Axel was not having it.  "Hey Clarence, I suppose you're both here to meet Axel jnr!"

"Pardon." Clarence said in confusion.

"Josephine and my son Axel jnr."

Clarence passed out and fell on a hypodermic needle that went right into his brain.  Two dayslater he woke up in hospital with his six children staring at him.

"Hello Frederick, Yusef, Yergen, Erika and Babette and........um...........who the f*#k are you?"  Clarence said to a boy who looked like the rocker Axel Rose, but also looked a lot like the rest of his kids.

"I'm Axel and I'm kind of your son!"  Then Josephine walked in.  Oh good you've met."

Clarence then turned to his wife and with the most calmly pronounced words he said. "Josephine, we agreed to be married and love each other and trust each other and now it seems that you've gone and f*#ked some rocker dude, had a child with him and then abandoned that child to live with this Axel man to tour around and live in a rock world and now you expect me to just accept him into our family.  Do you even realise what the rest of the family will think when they find out that you had a baby with someone outside of the family; they will be shocked and appalled."

Josephine just asked the children to take it outside and then she proceeded to mount her husband with all of the gusto that she used when pounding that rocker all those years ago. As they had violent and dangerous s#x, Clarence went into a state of acceptance and found himself with 'who the f*#k cares' it is.  So what if his wife had another child to love with a rocker.  He was married to this s#x fiend and it made him the man he is today. "Let's get a portrait done of our new family Josephine."  Clarence said as he impregnated his wife once more.  "And then let's invite Father Gregory, his wife and Aunty Bethany around for a party; I think we deserve it."

Josephine had a baby girl nine months later and named it Slash.  Of course it is only a guess, but Josephine knows that her husband was horribly infected by the needle in his brain and the doctors said he will never produce sperm again.  So Slash and Axel started a band up quite a few years later and their first song was 'Incest is ok, but I'm glad I've never stooped Aunt Bethany.'

It's catchy and the Banjo really gives it a nice Deliverance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And mal said...........

nine months later and wellinto their prime Rusty Hymen and Vidia Von Scrum had a litter of healthy baby Cogs or maybe Dats or Pussy Pups; yeah, Pussy Pups.  So when the Pussy Pups were discovered by the news, cat and dog offspring, they were reported asbeing a freak of nature and it was decided that these pups were to be put down. Of course Rusty and Vidia could not have it so they took their Pups away from the world of man and travelled far and wide to find a paradise where they could raise their Pussy Pups in peace; away from the things of man.  One night Vidia turns to Rusty and says.  "I remember that day when yousat on my face and I bit your ass and then you and I had coitus while you were tied up and it was so hot."

"Ahh yes! What of it?"

"Well, did you know what you were doing when you sat on me.  Did you fall in love with me immediately?"

"Um, actually, as I remember it, I was about to take a sh!t and you bit me on the ass and then you [email protected] me."  Rusty said with no care in the world.

As the shock of this realisation washed over Vidia, she looked at her dog of a husband and cried. "Do you love me Rusty?"

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake and I love our freakish children as much as I love licking my balls."

"Really?"

"Yes Vidia Ido."

So kids the moral of this story is very clear.  'Sometimes you marry a dog but he turns out to be a Pussy and sometimes you get f*#ked by a Pussy but you end up realising she is a hound dog.  Life is funny that way, but when you really look closely at this situation, you have to admit that one day if you turn around and see tha tall that is behind you is a bunch of misconceived events that brought you to a f*#king awesome place then why the f*#k would you regret a f*#king thing. At least you have one thing in common; both of you are in love or why else would you f*#k outside your species and create freakish children.

read the following very quickly without taking a breath for effect (NB: Capt. Mal does not endorse beastiality and any arguments that encourage anything of the contrary is blatant lies and in no way has Capt Mal ever watched a porno with a woman giving a horse a blowjob and thought, damn that's awesome.  Also it has always been and always will be an objective of Capt Mal's to discourage [email protected] of any sort even though women [email protected] men just sounds like it should be an Olympic sport; for example, men would be put in a Colosseum and a whole bunch of women are given stun guns and have to bag themselves a man to [email protected] in ten minutes or she gets whipped and when I say whipped I mean with cream. Life should be this fun and sexually sadistic, but since it is not then Capt Mal would just like to say that whatever your bag is baby, I just want you all to be yourselves, unless of course you are a murderer or a [email protected] or a politician or a t.v. evangelist.  I should probably stop blathering on now since you are probably running out of breath and may pass out soon, but just to push the boundaries, did anyone see the end of Lost, I did and I think that Hurley would be a great number one but how come after he's been lost on an island for like six years, he hasn't seemed to lose any f*#king weight, I mean all he's been eating is banana's and pretend peanut butter and what about Kate, yeah she's hot, but she married a Hobbit, what's that about and I thought the smoke monster was going to turn out to be the farts of Teddy Kennedy, but, Iwas way the f*#k off.  How you going, should I stop or are you still hanging in there; maybe I should.  F*#k, I can't even remember which f*#king picture I was describing, oh well, untill next time, have plenty of s#x with the one you love and eat the Wagon Wheel.) 

And Mal said......

And now ladies and gentlemen, come one come all to the first of many, the story of good vs evil, the story of a boy who looks to the stars and wishes upon them to be more then he is, a story so mind bogglingly adventure filled that you will have to hold on to your hats as you read, an adventure so fat that it just ate Indiana Jones, this ladies and gentlemen is the Adventures of Enrique Force………….

“Enrique, have you gone wee wee?”

“Muuuum, I’m twelve years old now, I know when I have to go to the toilet.”

“I just saying baby boy that Pappa and I will not be heres to look after yous so it would make Mamma happy to know that you have gone wee wee before we go.”

“By the Force, I wish they would just leave already.”  Enrique said to himself and then called out.  “Yes Mamma I will go wee wee now.”

Enrique went to the toilet and then realized that he had to pass the tacos that they ate for dinner last night also, so he settled in for a challenging bowel movement and reflected upon his current factual status and processed information available to collate into a literary adventure.

Name: Enrique Force

Age: 12½

Family: Mamma and Pappa – no siblings

Mission Status: Mamma and Pappa going away for some alone time (personally I think they just want to have sex). I, Enrique Force will be left at home alone with multiple tools of entertainment at my disposal plus an incredibly hot babysitter.

Curent Status: Sitting on the Sh!tter

Cast Members: Enrique Force – Imaginarian

Lydia Rump – Babysitter

Arnold Smelt – Lydia’s ex-boyfriend

Darth Vader – toy

Smushy – a Reluctant Pussy (I mean pussy cat, you dirty [email protected]@rds)

First Focus:       Finish sh!tting and hopefully Mamma and Pappa will be gone and I can go and sneak a peek at the babysitter taking a shower, then I create another amazing story to send into Capt Mal.

Greatest Success so far: Writing a story about Ballsout Starcrapper a super cool clone trooper and winning a competition that allowed it to be put up on the Capt Mal Explains Blog, plus I was sent a statue bust of Leia in slave girl outfit.  Super sweet!

Enrique finished rambling in his head and wiped his ass.  His finger accidentally pushed through the paper and sh!t squished all over it.  He then proceeded to flush, wash his hands thoroughly and then sniff them just in case he didn’t get it all; he did.  Enrique then snuck sneakily upstairs after checking that his parents were gone.  He knew that as soon as his parents left to go anywhere, Lydia would go upstairs to his parents ensuite and would have a long soothing warm shower.  This was definitely the day that he would get to take a peek.  Then, annoyingly, the phone rang. RING RING.  Enrique picked up the hallway phone and answered it.  “Hello.”

“Hello, is this Enrique Force?”

“Si.”

“This is Capt. Mal, I am just ringing to see whether you have finished your follow up story from your Ballsout Starcrapper submission.  The readers loved it and are keen to read another one.  I would write it myself, but since you seem to love Star Wars about as much as I do, I thought I would see if you wanted to be involved.”

“Um…..”  Enrique was about to write a new story, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Lydia Rumps Rump and the hot water running over it.  “Um….yeah, I’m in the middle of one now actually.”

“Well that is as sweet as a prom queens nipples; or so I hear.  Can you email it to me tonight?”

“Um…….”  Enrique was now thinking of Lydia dressed up as a Queen with her nipples uncovered.  “…..Um, I’ll try.”

“Try not Enrique, do or do not, there is no try!”

“That’s a little corny isn’t it dude?”

“Yes, but it’s true and it may just apply with Lydia.”  The phone then went dead.

Enrique stared at the phone in disbelief of what he just heard.  “WHAT THE F*#K!!!!  How the hell does Capt. Mal know about Lydia?  WHAT THE F*#K!!!!!”

(for the readers who are a little confused about this simple picture of a cat with Darth Vader strapped to it and this enormously intricate story that is before you, well, just read you whinging pricks cause I don’t even know what’s about to happen)  Enrique then tricked himself into believing that Capt. Mal didn’t say what he thought he did and then continued on to see Lydia in the shower.

He crept into his parents room and he opened the bathroom door slowly and just as he was about to peak in the door bell rang.  “Sh!t.”  Enrique said as he shut the door and crept out and down stairs to answer the door.  Just as he turned the knob the door was forced open and a crazed man pushed his way in.  “Where is she?”

“Who are you?”  Enrique tried to stand his ground.  “And what are you doing in our house?”

“I’m Arnold Smelt and I want to know where Lydia is.  She’s my girlfriend!”

“I thought she was your ex.”

“Yeah, but I want her back.”

“She told me that you were a little crazy and now I believe her.”  Enrique picked up the first thing he could grab from the umbrella stand; it was his purple lightsabre.  He then stood with his legs spread with the hard plastic object waving in Arnolds face.  “Engard!”

“Oh, you got to be f*#king kidding me kid.”  Then Enrique swung the lightsaber and smacked Arnold Smelt in the face.  Arnold went to grab the lightsaber, but Enrique was too quick.  He had been fencing since he was six years old.  Enrique then spun around in an almost Obi Wanesk motion and smacked Smelt again in the arse.  Three more smacks to the intruder then knocked him on the floor.  Enrique didn’t quite know how he was doing this, but he kept it up.  “Now Sith Spawn, leave my home or I will dispatch you.”

Arnold then stood up grabbed the lightsaber and snapped it in two.  "You little sh!t, i'm going to ram this up your as........."

"Arnold, What the F*#k."  Both Arnold and Enrique looked up the stairs to see Lydia standing there with a small towel wrapped around Lydia's wet body.  "What the f*#k are you doing to Enrique?"

"What?  He's a little punk and he hit me."

"Really Arnold, you got beat up by a 12 year old."

"12 1/2."  Enrique said quietly.

"F*#k off Arnold or I'll call the cops you freak, no wonder i dumped your @ss."

"You'll be sorry b!tch that you dumped me."  Then Arnold threw down the broken lightsaber and left, slamming the door behind him.

Enrique couldn't believe what had just happened, but mostly, he couldn't believe that Lydia was standing at the top of the stairs showing off her long legs and shapely form.  "Are you ok Enrique?"

He just nodded stupidly.

"Good, i'm going to go and condition my hair and put a face mask on and then finish my shower."

'Oooohhhh Yeah.'  Was Enrique's only thought.  "Um ok, i'm going to go and play Star Wars in my room."

Lydia jostled her body around and her breasts jiggled about.  "Oh your so cute!" and then she was off back to the shower.  Enrique knew that he had to wait until she was back in the shower to spy on her so he decided to go to his room and start on his story for Capt. Mal.  'How did he know about Lydia?' was the recurring thought in his head.  'Maybe I mentioned her before to him!'.

Enrique went into his bedroom and sniffed the air.  It smelled like new plastic!  It's a smell that every Star Wars addict will know wholeheartedly.  The smell when you open your first Star Wars figure locks into your memory and forever after it will stun you into a warm and memorable place of youth and happiness.  Enrique had a room full of Star Wars collectibles and many of them had been opened.  The fresh smell was intoxicating!  Of course the room also smelt of dirty clothes and half drunk boost juice, but the plastic was more overpowering.  Firstly Enrique fed the pet Chipmunk that he had trained to carry the Biker Scout figure that he used in the Ballsout Starcrapper story.  Then the eqger 12 year old went to his bed and gave his cat Smushy a pat.  Smushy was not as well trained as Bumper the Chipmunk, but she loved a pat.  "Alright Smushy, let's tell a story."  The cat just meowed and then started licking its junk.

'In the aftermath of the fall of the Jedi, Darth Vader hunted the Galaxy for the remaining few Knights who had fled like the cowards they were to escape a inevitable fate.  One day he would be on Coruscant and the next back on Kaashyk, after that it would be Mon Calamari or possibly even Endor.  This little Lord of the Sith was getting a bit tired and over it.  He thought of an idea to increase his ability to be in two places at once.  Vader went through the log of most courageous and capable Clone Troopers in all of the elite teams and came up with one soldier who seemed to have what it takes to put on a Darth Vader costume and pretend to be him at certain functions and capital punishment trials.  The troopers name - Ballsout Starcrapper - ID no. 000000000000000000001/2, Corporal, home planet - Tatooine, he has hardly any family and was involved heavily in the retaking of Buma Chuma.  This was the man!  Vader wasted no time at all.  He tracked down Corporal Starcrapper and enlisted him to his cause.  Vader then pointed at Ballsout as he spoke; as he usually does.  "Corporal, I have a proposition for you."

"Um...I'm not saying no Lord Vader, 'cause like, you're Darth Vader and all but how do you get it on in that outfit?"

Vader was confused and then realised what he meant and then put his hands up in a denying fashion.  "No no, you misunderstand, I mean that I have a special position for you."

"Deep Stick?  Cause that never sounds like it would be a special position if you catch my drift."

Vader then got angry and if Ballsout could see his cheeks, he was a little embarrassed.  "No you numbskull, I don't want to f*#k you with your feet behind my ears, I need you to take on a serious mission pretending to be me.  I want you to dress up like me and be seen at certain events while I'm off killing the f*#king Jedi; there like cockroaches you know, they run around and around the kitchen all night long and then when I finally corner the f*#ker, it flies away.  I mean, why the f*#k doesn't the little prick just fly away in the first place; it just pisses me off."

Ballsout then was the one to feel embarrassed.  "Oh my apologies Lord Vader, I thought you meant, well anyway, I'm sorry I didn't get the gist of what you were trying to tell me.  Of course I will do whatever you ask of me my Lord.  If I was willing to take it in the ass by you then I can surely walk around in your suit and be you."

"Good, you start today.  Here is a dry cleaning tab, pick up my spare suit from Wang's dry cleaners.  Mr Wang will look after you, just mention this weeks secret word and he'll give you a special discount.  It's 'Jellysucker'."

"Very well Lord Vader, oh and do I get to kill any Admiral's or Generals in your name?"

"Only if they really piss you off, it's so hard to get a position in the upper crust of the Empire.  Just do as I ask."

"Yes Lord Vader."

By the next morning Darth Ballsout was on his first mission in a Darth Vader outfit, pretending to be the Dark Lord of the Sith.  Vader had given him a small assignment to start with and he also gave him his spare lightsaber, which is also the one that dropped into the second Death Star after Luke cut his hand off.  If Ballsout only knew that then he would clean up on Ebay.  So, Ballsout was now on the planet of Neeples.  It was known for its plentiful mountains that usually sat side by side in pairs and were always the same size; well approx. Sometimes there would be some minor differences in the shape, but basically if you were to eyeball them then I'm pretty sure you would be too awe inspired to worry about how one is a little lower then the other, it just does not matter a pinch of sh!t.  And to handle this mountainous terrain, Ballsout knew that he needed a steed that would bound tirelessly over anything that came their way.  He searched his feelings and drew upon his ability to speak to creatures great and small and called out to animals that scaled the mountains.  'I am Ballsout, I seek a steed that can carry me tirelessly and into a hell that no other beast would dare to brave.'  Ballsout waited and he waited and he waited, but nothing came.  He then saw a big white pussy!!  It was beautiful and he just had to have it.  Ballsout approached the pussy (and now to prevent you dirty men from thinking that I am speaking about anything other then a cat I will start calling it a cat...........mostly) "Hello magnificent beast, I require assistance to scale the mountains to be present at the opening of the new SithMart.  I need to cut a ribbon with my ligthtsaber and afterward I am required to do party tricks for the children.  Would you help me?"

The cat came up and licked him; Ballsout thought about licking the pussy back, but then decided it to be potentially rude before getting to know it better.  So, he strapped on..........................um ..................................................he........saddled up; that's better.  And he hopped up on top making sure his lightsaber was firmly clipped to his belt.  I shall name you Snowblower or maybe Snowlicker or maybe Smushy, yes, Smushy."  and off they went over the mountains and through the storms bounding without effort through the snow to his first gig.  His balls hurt, but it was a small price to pay to gain respect from the Lord of the Sith.

Meanwhile on the planet Vulva Darth Vader had just fought his way through the swamps of regret to reach the place he mapped out that he believed the Jedi HairyNuts to be hiding.  He pulled away the last banana tree leaf to reveal........a new Sith Mart!  A crowd of Imperials cheered and all of their kids pointed and laughed with excitement at the prospect of meeting Darth Vader.  Vader looked at his map again and then realised that the two assignments had been mixed up and he thought about Ballsout scaling the giant mounds of Neeples.  "Oh f*#k!"

Ballsout and Smushy then took a break so that Ballsout could get his nuts out and give them a soothing rub.  having excessively large testicles is good for some reasons, but mostly it is just annoying and painful.  Smushy just sat in a corner of the cave they found and started licking herself.......................hey,you would if you could!  Ballsout then took his belt off and put it aside and then undid the piss hatch at his crotch and his giant balls flew out and across the room and then they stretched and flung back at Ballsout slamming into him and knocking him to the ground.  just as he fell to the ground a laser blast flew past him and hit the rock wall.  Ballsout stood up and turned to see a most heinous looking dude standing with six arms and three legs...no wait, two legs and a giant penis surrounded by lots and lots of pubes.  "Urgh."  Ballsout said.  "Why don't you cover that up?"

The scaly faced creature pointed at Ballsout's own nuts.  "I could say the same thing about you Nutzilla."

"...... Touché freaky dude!  So who are you?"

"Do not play coy with me Vader, you know I am the Jedi HairyNuts and you have come to kill me."

Ballsout then realised that he was on the wrong mission.  "Oh F*#k, um you got the wrong guy, I'm not Vader.  My name is Ballsout Starcrapper and i'm just pretending to be Vader.  I'm not meant to be here."

"Yeah and my name is Sally Struthers and and i've come to eat your pussy...........cat."

"But I don't want to fight you, I'm only in the Empire because they run the Galaxy."

"Bullsh!t, now I will end you so you do no more harm to this Galaxy."

HairyNuts pulled out four lightsabers with his upper arms and ran at Ballsout.  Ballsout then realised his lightsaber was too far away so he did the only thing he knew to, he threw his balls at HairyNut and hit him in the stomach.  Ballsout then reeled them back in before they got cut off.  he then jumped to get his lightsaber and then turned around to face the Jedi.  "I don't want to fight you.  But I will if I have to."

And then the battle that ensued was so intense that Smushy was scared; but she still kept licking herself.

Ballsout wasn't that good with a lightsaber, but he was able to deflect every attack.  then he thought about what Darth Vader would do in this situation and he decided that he had to use the Force.  Of course he didn't have any to use, but he had to try.  Darth Ballsout reached out with his mind again and into the minds of all of the animals around.  firstly to Smushy, but she was too busy cleaning herself thoroughly, and then to the Birds and the Snakes and the Woogles (Woogles are cranky round fluffy beasts who love eating meat.  Ballsout called for help and help came.  HairyNut went to cut Ballsout down and just as he was about to a bird landed on the end of HairyNuts dick and then crapped on it.  then a Snake came out of a hole in the ground and jumped up into his pubes and started biting his balls.  Then a nasty little Woogle jumped out from behind a boulder and started scratching the Jedi's face.  the Jedi was at a loss, he dropped his weapons and started yelling and screaming and trying to get the animals off his face, penis and balls; actually he wasn't that worried about his face at all in comparison.  Ballsout just watched as the Jedi flailed around and ran back and forward screaming in pain until finally he ran out of the cave and off of the cliff to what Ballsout would assume to be his death.  Smushy then had finished grooming and came over and went to lick his balls.  "Um, I don't think I want you doing that.  I know they hurt and nobody is around, but that's just a little unhygienic and I would like the first one whom licks them to be a girl; a human girl.  Smushy didn't look fazed, but Ballsout knew she was offended, but there was no way he was going to allow the cat to lick his nuts.  So Ballsout stuffed his nuts back into his cod piece and closed it carefully without catching any skin and then packed up, saddled up and mounted Smushy.  "Let's go Smushy, I came to do one thing and ended up killing a Jedi, but at least Vader will be pleased and maybe I might even get laid.  I wish there was a heroine in this story.  Just then a hot half naked woman came running out of a side cave.  "oh help me kind sir, i was being held captive by that Jedi as a s#x slave.  My name is Leedia."  Ballsout then felt awesome and he put his hand out, took Leedia's and lifted her on the pussy.......um.....cat.  "Never fear my lady, I am Darth Vader and I am here to rescue you."

"Oh my hero!"

Just then Enrique's door opened and Lydia was standing there still in her towel but dry now.  "I'm about to jump in the shower, if you need me just call out.  oh and thank you for saving me from Arnold, you were a true hero."  Then she walker over and knelt down and kissed Enrique on the forehead.  Enrique scored a cheek feel against her sizeable breasts.

"Aw it was nothing."  Just then Smushy the cat went running across the room with a Star Wars figure strapped to its back.

"Gee, when you say your going to play Star Wars, you mean it.  So what's your story about?"

"Um, a hero who saves the girl and gets.....um.....a kiss."

"Just like you huh."  Enrique just smiled.  Lydia then went back to her shower.

Enrique sneakily snuck into the room and went to open the door after he heard the shower start.  'this is awesome he thought.  Just then he heard a noise from behind him.  "Hey perve!"  It was that @rsehole Arnold Smelt climbing through his parents window.  "What are you doing perve?  Are you perving on my girl?"

"No, I just heard a noise and was just checking and obviously it was you.  Get out of here."

Smelt walked over to Enrique and pushed him aside.  "Out of my way groin stain or I'm going to tell Lydia that you were perving."  Enrique thought about it and stepped aside.  Arnold then persisted into the bathroom and surprised Lydia.  Enrique stood at the door and saw the following events unveil.  Arnold pulled back the curtain, Lydia screamed, Arnold pulled down his pants, Lydia slapped him, Arnold kissed her, Lydia pulled Arnold into the shower, Lydia and Arnold had hot shower s#x.  Enrique watched for a little while and was very confused by Lydia, but at least he could see Lydia's shapely form, but had no real desire to see Arnold naked so he went back to his room to finish the story.  'F*#k' he thought 'If that pr!ck didn't show up, maybe it would be me in there.'

So back to the story, Ballsout arrived back at the rendezvous point and Darth Vader was just arriving.  "You're alive!?"  Vader said in surprise.

"Yes, I killed HairyNut and this is the maiden he held captive, Leedia."

"Gee Ballsout, you really surprised me; good job.  And hello Leedia."

"You know each other?"

"Yes, we used to date before I met that Padme chick."  Then Leedia's shapely form slid off of the pussy cat and she ran to Vader.  "Oh I missed you my big black Sith.  I thought you were the other guy at first, but since he didn't know me I knew it wasn't you, because nobody forgets Leedia the Fresh."

"Damn straight.  Anyway Ballsout, head back to Coruscant and pretend to be me for a while so I can catch up with my dear old friend here.  Oh and one thing you need to know about the Emperor is......don't clench."

'F*#king Pr!ck'  Ballsout thought to himself.

"I heard that Starcrapper!  You have to be careful what you think around me or I'll cut your humungus nuts off."

Then Vader picked up Leedia and carried her to his ship for nasty Force s#x.

Ballsout was tired and saw and upset and horny, so he got his nuts out again as Vaders ship left.  This time though they flung out across to the saddle on Smushy and got wrapped around in them.  Smushy squealed in shock and ran off with Darth Ballsout Starcrapper dragging behind him.

It was not a fitting end for this hero's story, but this hero's story was far from over.

That night Enrique rang Captain Mal and before he could say who he was Capt Mal said.  "Hey Enrique, how'd you go?"

"It's ok I guess, i've emailed it to you already."

"Fantastic, i'm sure our fans will love it.  Ow and how did you get on with your babysitter, did you stoop her?"

"What?  How did you even know about her?"

"Firstly tell me, what happened."

"She got back together with her ex."

"Yeah but did you see her naked?"

"Yeah and she grazed my cheeks with her boobs."

"Well then my friend, you have just gotten to second base with a girl and your are only 12 1/2, you should feel good about it and don't let life get you down so much.  Today you've duelled to protect a kinda fair maiden, you've created a story for the ages, you've caressed the fine form of a pair of ample breasts and seen a beautiful woman naked in the shower.  write it off as a win kid and next time, well just maybe it will be your turn.  Good night kid."

"Hey you didn....."  The phone went dead and Enrique didn't get to ask how Capt Mal knew about what had gone on that day.  It was bizarre.  Enrique went to sleep peacefully.

two days later an internet blog was put up with a video of Lydia's Rump and of what Arnold Smelt in the shower.  Apparently the Force family have computer cameras in every room on every terminal and someone in Enrique's family had forgotten to turn them off (actually it was his parents who film themselves doing it in every room, but Enrique had accidentally sent the link to Capt Mal.  

But as far as Enrique Force knew - Captain Mal was a real Jedi Master and would always look out for him.

Ballsout Starcrapper will return in 'SkyDoodle'........

And Mal said.......

In the beginning………..there was the Vampire revolution.  It was the bloodiest time in all of human history and was led by the meanest, cruelest Vampire of all.

Kount von Kount aka The Kount.  Although he looked like a Muppet, he was a mean b!tch of a killer.  He was tougher then Dracula, Blade, even Angel and Spike.  This Vampire was King Sh!t of all the bloodsucking nightwalkers.  He lived for thousands and thousands of years eating, drinking and f*#king whatever and whomever he chose to.  He even caused a two year darkness where vampires could walk the Earth day and night, mostly so they could go to Matinee’s.  It was a dark time for human’s and only the strong and the people who lived on other continents survived.  Vampires would be sucking necks all over the place for a very long time; (actually it is probably a good point of the story to tell you a little unknown fact about Vampires that is not really good to know, but it is interesting.  Vampires love sucking necks because it is a very juicy area of the body that has few bones to worry about; the interesting part is that the neck is not the favorite part, breasts are a favorite as are butt cheeks, but the place that Vampires love more then anywhere else due to the intense rush of blood is the penis!  Yes readers, Vampires love to suck [email protected], this I speak of has nothing to do with this story, but it is a little bit funny).  Now back to the story, One day though, The Kount was beaten!!  It was inevitable that someone could stand up to him and win, but it was just a big surprise to all around him.  It was not his generals and it was not a great warrior from a distant land.  He was defeated by………..’dramatic pause’…………..a Magician!!!!!  Yes folks it was a magician named…um…lets just call him James Hansen.  He wanted to use him for his own devices, so he turned the Kount into a real Muppet and wiped his memory and then stuck him on a kids television show that would run forever.

The Kount was then given the job of living on the set of a castle and counting everything from Sheep to the moles on the back of an eighty year old female nudist.  It was a demeaning job for someone of his grace and malevolent magnitude, but at the time, he knew no better; he was a puppet for Hansen’s profit.  One day long after the magician died of a strangely benign cause the hold that he had on the Kount lessened and the Kount started getting a part of himself back.  It took a long time, but the Kount started to find his past and when he finally regained all of his memory and instincts, he realized that he had changed!!!  He no longer desired the blood of a virgin, he no longer desired to suck [email protected] (hey what do you know, this sucking [email protected] thing is a useful page filler and it is still funny), and most of all Kount von Kount had no desire to be ruler of the world.  The Kount had grown a heart while living with all of these sucky puppets and muppets, children and even the bald, old and fat human’s who had been on the show since the beginning; The Kount now cared for human’s.  But then one day the Kount decided to take a day off and sit in his Jason Recliner in his castle and watch a movie as he sucked on a bag of Koala blood (apparently its good for the Jizz???)  He decided to watch a NEW Vampire movie that had swept the world and has rave reviews from many teen magazines.  The Kount was very excited; he now loved the art of film and movies such as Dracula with Gary Oldman, especially since he gets to stoop Winona Ryder.  He even liked the documentaries made about the Vampire Angelus, especially because the actress Charisma Carpenter was so fricken hot.

Now the Kount sat as the movie began, it was called Dusk or Nightfall or something along those lines and it had a human girl who fell in love with a Vampire and there are wolves in it and apparently lots of cool stuff.  The Kount watched and watched and watched and then it was over.  The Kount sat for a while, finished his Koala Daiquiri, ate the last cheese ball in his snack bowl and then got up and put on his cloak.  The Kount then flew out the window (Vampires can do that you know) and he flew straight to Hollywood where apparently there was a premiere screening of the new Sunset movie (or was it called Twilight?? I don’t know)  anyway he saw the red carpet in the distance and flew down with a passion he had not felt for centuries and he landed right in front of Robert Pattinson.

“Holy sh!t!”  Robert said.  “Where did you come from?”

“I came from the depths of hell you pathetic excuse for a Vampire and I’m here to tell you that I died more watching your piece of sh!t acting then I did two thousand years ago.  I mean, ‘What the F*#k Bob, you were o.k. in Harry Potter, probably cause you died, but now you seem to be just coasting through this role like a bar of soap as it washes your nutsack, you see all it does is ooze cleansing suds onto your nuts, but it is still inanimate; just like you.  You ooze some kind of bullsh!t into your viewers brains, but you just stand there and don’t even act.  F*#k me!”

“Hey, lots of people think I’m a good actor.”  Robert said in defense.

“Well sucker, not me!”  the Kount then pulled his hand back and swung with an almighty force that would put Ali to shame.  Robert did not see it coming and when he felt it he was lying on the ground with piss soaking his tidy whitey’s and seeping out on the red carpet.  The photographers went crazy taking photo’s of the incident but now that the Kount had found his Mojo, none of the pictures showed him in them.  “Now Pattinson, I’ll be watching you, so make sure your next film is good or I will find you again and next time, I might just suck your d!ck so hard that it will come off in my mouth……..um”  The Kount thought about what he just said.  “……..um…….but not in a gay way.”  Then the Kount flew off and left everyone in utter shock; except for Kristen Stewart who yelled out her phone number to the Kount and said “Call me!!!”

Then as the Kount flew over Hollywood and felt the breeze against his age old Muppet skin, he knew that he had a new purpose in this life.  He was to return to Poppyseed Lane and make himself visible to the cameras again and act.  He would act like he had never acted before and then once he believed himself good enough he would return to this Hollywood and find Terry Gilliam and make a movie about his life called “How to Suck a D!ck, but not in a Gay way!”  It was sure to be a massive hit!  Perhaps he would get a chance to stoop Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansen; now that would rock!

And Mal Said.....................

Apparently a remake of an old black and white show about a talking horse might be done and this is the opening song; let me know what you think everyone.  Oh and you need to actually do the voice while you sing it and speak where it says spoken word in a horse voice.

“Hello, I’m Mr Ruck……   (spoken word)

Now you know I’m a horse, of course of course,

And you know I like to rhyme with whores,

But did you know I have dick sores

‘Cause I am Mr Ruck

So I get my sauce and you know I’m a horse

And I spray it up a cute girl of course

So bend over and you’ll feel remorse

From the pain your ass just won’t endorse

Oh sh!t! It’s a dude’s ass I’m trying to force

Oh well who cares I’m just a dumb horse

Next time be careful acting like a main course

I am Mr Ruck

Oh by the way my name rhymes with F*#K

And yes I can talk to Wilbur the schmuk

If you don’t believe that this can be so

Just listen to this….

“Wilbur; stop clenching……..”                 -(spoken word)

“Oh Mr Ruck, you said you had a f*#king stone in your shoe.” -(spoken word)

“My Bad….. -(spoken word) 

I AM MR RUCK!!!!!!!!

And Mal Said.....................

Hi bloggers, actually I hate calling you all bloggers since it sounds like I am accusing you all of just blogging all of the time.  You probably have sex as much as you can so maybe I should call you all f*#kers, but that seems ambiguous in relation to really knowing you.  Perhaps I should go for something a little bit more generalized like perverts.  I personally find that being a pervert is not a bad thing.  I feel that in today’s society it should be relished that people can appreciate the form of the opposite sex (or same sex) no matter how tall, short, thin, fat, hairy, waxed, enhanced, saucy or benign you are.  This brings me, you bunch of perverts (now remember, that’s a good thing), to our focus point for this short but hopefully amusing or interesting tale.

Now Dr Barbour has a fancy Arbour

That he sneaks out to everyday

With a lovely missus who ain’t his Mrs.

And then they begin to play

Deirdre the Nurse starts to converse

In a manner quite contrary

In Dr Barbour’s fancy Arbour

She strips although wary

Now Mrs Barbour is watching close

From a hideout behind a tree

With a camera and a lawyers card

She’ll take him for a sweet 50

Dr Barbour is a horny chap

And never seems content

He’ll have his way with Deirdre Bray

And then off to church to repent

On the morrow the Dr. arrives

In his rooms to work a plenty

And on his door is written ‘Whore’

And he sat down oh so gently

He knew his wife had seen his strife

In his Arbor by the Moor

Cause on the wall he saw it all

And he started to feel poor

Nurse Deirdre Bray as clear as day

Stripping down to knicks

Charted for a keen eye

His wife had got her kicks

Luckily the chart was bare

Of photos of his d!ck

For he only had one nut

From an accident with his Shick

Finally this tale ends

With the Dr. in his room

Masturbating to the eye chart

For now his life was sexless gloom

The lesson that we learn here

Is to be faithful and content

But if you wish to wander

A private room you should rent

Good Night Perverts

____________________________________________________________________