Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

This is definitely very fuc#@ked up

I think my only response to that would be: 'yes after I bent over and I was

penetrated, I stood up turned around, grabbed the person's dick and ripped

it off of him.  I then proceeded to beat him to death with it!  It was only

a few seconds after that that I realized that I was in a doctors office and

I fell asleep for a second before my rectal exam.  And the thing that I

grabbed off of the doctor was a digital thermometer.  I suppose I got a

shock and forgot where I was for a second.  The doctor understood my point

of view but felt much better about the situation after he punched me in the

nose.  All in all, it was a fair outcome, however I suppose that my answer

would have to be no, technically, since I was not actually f#@ked up the ass

by a penis.  However I did get a nose bleed and my ass was sore for a few

hours since the doctor insisted on the rectal exam after tying me to the

exam couch.'

I suppose though that I probably would have run out of toilet wall somewhere

after the first rectal exam.

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And Mal Said.....................

I have been asked by the moderator to explain who I am and why I do what I do.

Firstly, I specifically call myself Capt.Mal for a very good reason, which I will explain soon enough.

And secondly, my real name is Flash! I changed it from my original name of Wendell Fluxenbaum because…..well…….it kind of sounded a bit too [email protected]…..(but not in a homosexual way; not that there is anything wrong with homosexuality, actually I’m slightly morepartial to befriending men who know exactly what they want instead of men who are all brooding and think that if it’s a woman sticking her finger in your butt, then that’s not at all [email protected])  I use the term [email protected] inrespects to the fact that I feel like I should be able to use the word in the essence of why it was originally created. [email protected] = Vibrant and flared!!  And what name could be more offensively Vibrant (or [email protected]) then Wendell Fluxenbaum???!!!

Anyway, being that my name change was partly related to the awesomeness of ‘The man who saved every one of us’- Flash and partly because Flashing is my occupation; I quickly realized that I needed another change though.  The change was not only because Flashing for a living was not as lucrative as I first believed it would be when I woke up one day in a wheel barrow full of dead ferrets and thought that if I stand at ATM’s and wait until women get money out of the machine and then flash them then I would be showered with money as the women so desperately ran in the other direction.  I was right for a little while until an old lady with a roll of twenty cent coins got me right in my little Fluxenbaum’s.  The change was also because I came across a new movie containing a character named Capt. Mal.

He seemed so confident and [email protected] and caring; three characteristics that I admire so much and claim, quite reasonably, to be at times.

So Capt. Mal it is! 

And the Capt. Mal explains blog started oneday when I was riding the 4.15 train to Ipswich,where my ‘Chick Sexer’ is.  I suppose I should quickly explain what a Chick Sexer is.  It is a person who inserts an illuminating tool into a baby bird to determine sex type.  I travel by train from a birdfarm to a chick sexer, so I guess I am a Chick Sexer Delivery Boy. It is simply my job to move the chicks from A to B and then back to A once the sex is determined.  I think it was a fine September evening when I noticed an advertisement on the train that did not make too much sense to me as the wording was ripped off.  It was a picture of a large breasted woman smiling and pointing at a Black Rooster, and even though it looked innocent enough I made some joke about how the woman was obviously impressed by the sizeof that big black [email protected]  The riders of the train laughed!

The next day a man passed me by and asked me to look under my seat, I didn’t get a look at him since it was crowded, but I assumed that he had previously noticed that I rode the same seat– J14 – every day.  Under my seat there was an envelope of awoman handing a fireman a glass of scotch in her underwear and an explanation as to what he wanted to do with my thoughts on the reasoning behind thepicture.

I really can’t say that I hadanything better to do so I helped the man out and replaced it there when I was finished.

So, I have come a long way since my days as Wendell Fluxenbaum, married to a supermodel, traveling all over the world in yachts and jets.  Now I am a simple Chick Sexer delivery boy and I write blog blurbs for an anonymous, possibly mentally disturbed, group of men.  But,I always was a minimalist at heart and I hope you enjoy my Imaginarian’s mind.

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And Mal Said.....................

It is obvious that until this evening,none of us have known a f#@king thing about a man named Mike Huckabee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8

After you watch this then you willunderstand more about the man and his love affair with the Earth’s onlysuperhero!!!!!

This photo was taken at a presidentialcampaign sing along where Mike ditched his wife Janet to accompany Chuck to theaffair.  Mike knows that Chuck Norris is as wholesome as fairy bread, yetas tough as Adamantium (the stuff Wolverine is made of, who is a fictionalsuperhero, unlike our Chuck).  But on that Misty September evening, Mikethrew down all inhibitions and stuck his tongue in Chuck Norris’s ear. Mike was quickly and rightfully roundhouse kicked in the head by Chuck Norris,who although touched by Mike’s advances was not going to give up thechance to round house kick one of those [email protected]

Mike has never been the same!!!!!!!!!

Mike is also a God fearing man and everychance he gets, he prays and does church s#!t on a Sunday!  Yet, deep downin Mike’s loins, there is a yearning and this yearning has a name –Chuckitis.

Chuckitis – is currently beingassessed among all professional organisations and will hopefully soon be addedto all Medical Dictionary’s.

It will have this description –Chuckitis – is the uncontrollable desire to love and be loved by ChuckNorris; side effects – the urge to round house people in the head and topunch Mexican babies in the face after you masturbate; there is no known cure!!

After Mike Huckabee lost out to JohnMcCain in the primaries he noticed that Chuck Norris did not return his callsanymore.  Mike was sad and alone and even the hard core sex that his wifeJanet would perform for him did nothing to quench his thirst for Chuck Norrissweat (or referred to in the Bible as Holy Water).  Mike needed help andthe only man in the world who could help him was not speaking to him.

Mike had to go on a quest for a cure.

Being that the entire country of Guatemalahave been in love with Chuck Norris ever since the brilliant movie ‘Firewalker’Mike decided to travel to the third world country to ask its inhabitants forhelp.

After six weeks of talking to people whoall believed wholeheartedly that Chuck Norris loved them and only them, Mikefinally found someone in a refrigerator box who admitted to him that he too hadbeen burnt by Chuckitis but had now cured himself of the infliction.

The man in the box was none other then LouisGosset Jnr, co star of Firewalker.

This is what Louis said – ‘duringfilming of Firewalker, I would go to my trailer at night and jerk off to aphoto of Chuck and myself three times a night.  One night Chuck came to mytrailer to watch Missing in Action and eat tofu pizza, but he found my jizzcovered picture and he quickly and rightfully round house kicked me to thehead.  He said that he appreciated the sentiment, but could not pass upthe chance to round house kick a [email protected]  I told him that I was not [email protected] but Ijust wanted to stick my big black dick in his ear and lick the sweat off of hisballs, but he just round house kicked me in the head again.’

Mike then asked eagerly how he broke theChuckitis fever.

‘It wasn’t easy Mr Huckabee, Igave up making movies, I moved down here and I did a whole heap of ass drugs(drugs specifically designed to be inserted into your anus) and I had sex witha donkey.’

So what was it that cured your Chuckitis?

‘Well, none of that; actually I justfell in love again.  I’m in love with Mr T.  He is my sunshineand I hope one day that I get to chew down on his Snickers.  I hope hiscome tastes like caramel’

It was at this stage that Mike Huckabeewas cured!!! He quickly realized that Louis Gossett Jnr was a very sick son ofa bitch and although he still had feelings for Chuck Norris, Mike believed thathe could live with this affliction and put up with all of the hot orgy’sthat his wife organized with all of the young parishioners from there local Baptistchurch.

Personally, I think this story is specialin many ways.  We as mere mortals need to realize that even Louis Lane had toeventually move on.  Sure, love Chuck Norris, but realize that his purposeon this Earth is much greater then one man or woman’s love. 

Chuck Norris is here to save the world,one round house kick at a time.

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And Mal said........

I'm not quite sure why you think I would know; it's not like I took the

photo or anything like that....................well.........alright so I took the photo.

It was a favor for a friend of mine.  Actually it was a

favor for three friends of mine. There was this butcher, a baker and a

.....um.....ahh.......um............I think it was a candle stick maker.

No.....wait, I don't think it was Richard the candlestick maker, it was

Yorgi the big fat Maori pimp!  He doesn't usually like being called that

though.  He just prefers Yorgi the big fat Native New Zealand sheep

solicitor.  I think the word pimp makes him feel dirty.  Actually I always

ask him why he doesn't feel dirty sticking his dick in the arse of a sheep

and he always just laughs and slaps his knee and says ow Mal you kid me all

the time cousy bro.

Anyway, sorry, I was going to tell you why the picture was taken.  My

mate, Yorgi who owns the sheep had come to the realization that Clover

(that's the sheep's name) was becoming tenderized due to all of the

excessive ass pounding from lonely Kiwi gentlemen enough to be sold to my

other friend Jobbybum the Butcher (by the way, Jobbybum is a chick; not a

chicken, a girl)Jobbybum lives in a small but distant place called Scrag End

(which is also a specific favorite cut of Mutton around the neck), anyway

since I had internet connection, they asked if I could take the photo

because Yorgi has only one finger and it ain't an Index (please don't ask me

why he only has one finger; it's a very embarrassing and sordid tale).  I

think that Jobbybum wanted this specific sheep so badly because of the fact

that it has a tattoo under its wool of a 15" black penis (but that's another

story entirely and has nothing to do with the story or Yorgi's fingers.).

So there you go, just an innocent photo taken for a butcher.

PS. the girl in the photo, Lara, is married to Andre the Baker who has a

share in the cut of the sheep.  I think she is having an affair with Richard

the Candlestick maker (I think you can guess why huh)

Happy Valentines day everyone and I hope, just like my friend Yorgi, that

you all get exactly what you want.......in the end.

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And Mal said........

This ticket machine is very obviously related to

the incidents on the trains in Japan.  Many men have been wrongfully accused

of feeling up the woman standing next to him when it was actually just his

octopus.

Apparently when the man says to a woman 'I'm sorry ma'am, it was my octopus'

for some reason she does not believe him even though he is carrying an

octopus at the time.  It is an excuse used frequently and the women are

getting sick of it.  The law now states that you must present your octopus

at the ticket machine to confirm that its tentacles have been appropriately

bound together for the duration of the trip, or you need to simply insert

your ticket to confirm that you do not have an octopus on your person.

Failure to present your octopus may lead to having your person frisked

thoroughly for an octopus or another sea creature with multiple tentacles.

So far however except for the cuttlefish incident on Valentines Day, all

friskings have come up negative.

Since implementation of this octopus checking point the following has been

the results recorded:

Two marriages - due to the women now knowing that the men being accused were

telling the truth

Six arrests - of men trying to undo the octobonds when the Japanese Woman's

Hockey team had boarded the train

And

Seventy-one complaints - from women complaining that they were not

complaining about the octopi in the first place and wish for the law to be

immediately abolished as they are lonely and can't afford the increasing

costs of long lasting heavy duty batteries.

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And Mal said..............

This trio of complicated beasts story transcendstime.  It is a story of true love and betrayal.

You see: Ike loved Zeke, but Zeke lovedHayley & Hayley loved Ike.  But then Zeke got aids and then Ike lovedHayley.  Ike and Hayley lived happily until Zeke’s doctors realized thathe did not have aids, just a cold, and then Hayley loved Zeke and Ike lovedZeke and Zeke loved himself.  Zeke still had sex with Ike and with Hayleyand then with Ike and Hayley at the same time, but nothing compared with himhaving sex with himself.  Zeke was the alpha animal and he loved it.

Then one day Mortan the Cow came along andsat on Zeke.  Zeke died after being sucked up into Mortan’s ass andliving inside his body for two days.  Ike and Hayley fell back in love andhad a three way with Mortan because they thought it would remind them of how itwas with Zeke.

The pain subsided over time but Zeke’smemory lived on, especially because for such a small animal, he had a 12 inchpenis.

F#@k knows how that works.  Anyway itjust goes to show you that love is all around and I guess the moral of thestory is : that if you are in love with a Chick who has a 12” penis thenmaybe you should rethink your situation and consider the pig because at the endof the day the Chick you love is probably too good to be true or will getanally ingested by a large bovine.

Trust me, it happens more then you realize!

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And Mal Said.....................

Heidi, an entrant into the Veronicas look alike contest was in herbedroom trying to flatten her breasts to the size of the Veronicas.  Forambiance Heidi was sniffing scented candles, which also help with the dazedglare that the girls pull off so well.  Suddenly the rubber band beingused to strap lefty in broke and lefty flung across the room and smacked thecandle like it was a black sea man.  The candle broke free of its oppressiveholder and dropped to the carpet like a young female real estate agentattempting to close her first big deal with Mr. money bags.  Afterlighting the carpet, setting it ablaze Heidi ran to her fish bowl and scoopedout Mr. Whiskers the Carolina Gold Fish and flung the bowl water on thefire.  Heidi then quickly realized that Mr. Whiskers was dead and the bowlwater was actually hundred proof scotch poured in last night after a tokesession and the desire to inebriate Mr. Whiskers.  The fire blazed on andHeidi then panicked, luckily righty was still armed and ready to go.  Thefire was between her and the kitchen sink where the washing up hose was lyingin wait; eager to assist but unable to move due to only a low pressure dripflowing from its throat.  Heidi’s right breast strengthened andsnapped the rubber band flinging it full throttle threw the flames.  Theband hit the tap lever and knocked it in just the right place.  Watersquirted out and quashed the flames enough to allow Heidi to jump into thekitchen and grab the flailing hose.  She made quick work of the flames andthen quickly opened a window to allow the smoke to escape.  She hung outof the window for a brief moment to catch her breath and a man on a bike ridingby saw her and the girls and then sailed off of an embankment and crashed intoa pile of manure.

The firemen arrived shortly after as Mr. Poke from 10B called themafter arriving at Heidi’s door to help and then realizing quickly thatthe best place for him was anywhere that Heidi and her ample breasts were nototherwise Mrs Poke would certainly run him through with a blunt knifesharpener.  Mr. Poke knows his place in life and although he is miserablehe would rather stay with Mrs. Poke because she swallows; everything!

Fireman Woodchuck (who also happens to be a judge for the Veronicalook alike competition) smashed down the door and found Heidi doing hertoenails on the couch.  “Are you alright ma’am?” He asked while staring at lefty and righty with a little drool escaping fromthe corner of his mouth.

“I’m fine!” She said, but then after noticingFireman Woodchuck gawking at her, she handed him the glass of scotch that shesoaked up out of the carpet with a sponge and then said. “It’s Scotch, I know it tastes a little fishy, but I’m prettysure the taste of my vagina will cleanse your pallet.  But before we f#@k,can you answer me one question?  Which Veronica do I look like?”

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