Captain Mal Explains

And Mal Said.....................

“Come one, come all to the Sale of all sales!  Come one come all to the sale that you can just not pass up!!!

It’s the new ‘Beam Bed’ from FunBeds R’ Us.  Not only does the beam bed have a light beam emanating from underneath

It also has the most comfortable F*#king mattress you will ever lie on.  I lay down on this sucker last Tuesday and I just woke up before filming this add.

I missed my wedding and several important doctors’ appointments about my liver damage.  I’m now declining into a state of disrepair that no doctor can bring me back from, but I have to say that this bed is the Sh!t.  It is so comfortable that I think I’m going to lie back down right now and probably wake up dead in hell.

And you know ladies and gentlemen, if I do go to hell, that’s o.k, as long as I get to take this F*#king Beam Bed with me.  Not only is it comfortable and it has a light coming out from under the bed, I can see if there are any monsters under the bed, not that that will matter since I’m going to be in hell soon and surrounded by pitchfork wielding demon bastards, but if you are thinking about the beam bed for you kids to stop them worrying about monsters under the bed then this is the bed for you.  come in a have a try, especially if you are a hot milf with no real inhibitions about the sanctity of marriage.  I’m dying, so if you can see it in your hearts to come in and buy some beds and maybe hump my brains out while I’m sleeping on my beam bed then please do so.  I need another commission cheque to pay for my last case of tequila and my coffin, but then again maybe I can just get cremated and my ashes spread all over this F*#king awesome bed.  It only costs $1,999.00 and if you think that that is too expensive then you don’t love yourself enough to do something f*#king fantastic for yourself.  So come on down to the sale of the century and buy a F*#king Beam Bed today!!  Alright Cut!”

Salesman turns around and walks off screen.  “Oh my f*#king back is killing me, that bitch of a bed has a spring right in the sacrum area and one right where my asshole nestles into the big f*#king hole that I keep falling into.  I got an erection the other day, roled over and the spring slit a big gash in my [email protected]  I was scrubbing blood off the F*#king thing for hours.  I haven’t got it all off so I’m going to have to splash some more blood on it and tell people it’s a custom print.  Maybe we can charge extra for that.  How do I get me hands on some penis blood; I guess it doesn’t have to be penis blood does it.  Hey Sandra…um….never mind, I’ll go to the butcher.  God damn that f*#king bed is sh!t and the light, my god how f*#king annoying is it.  I think this twitch in my eye is because of that f*#king light.  The Beam Bed; perhaps we should call it the ‘F*#k up your back and send you into a convulsive hyperactive state of disrepair bed’; or maybe we just right a clause on the contract that states that any issues you have with the bed are a direct result of your own stupidity and have nothing to do with this piece of sh!t Beam Bed.  Anyway Chuck, I’m warmed up now, can I do another take without all of the negative banter?”

Chuck raises an eyebrow and looks at Percy Hammernut with a pale look of despair.  “Um, Percy, didn’t you get the memo?  This was Beamed live to the network.  And I haven’t turned off the camera yet cause I just got back from taking a piss.  What’s wrong with your first take?”

Percy Hammernut – Salesman extraordinaire, ladies man and all around nice guy; dying of liver diseases and about to get fired turns back to the camera, looks it dead in the eye and say’s “F*#k it!  Hi audience, I suppose after hearing about this bed, I don’t suppose anyone is going to go rushing out to buy one unless it’s for your Mother in Law and I suppose that also means that Lucy Slapenass is going to fire my @ss, so let me just tell you one more thing.  Boss, last Friday night when the shop closed and you and I did those miraculously dangerous sex acts all over the shop, I can’t believe that you could get your legs in that position and darlin’, no matter what you say and how much you yell at me, nobody can stick it in there, it is impossible; this is Percy Hammernut, signing off, probably for the last time ever and I’ll see you all in hell.”

(Please NB: all comments on the Beam Bed are unintended to be accurate in any way shape or form as Percy Hammernut is fictional and there is no real evidence that you can cut your penis on our mattress springs)

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Pigboy Rumbumpkin was named after his great Uncle Pigboy Johnson and had nothing to do with the fact that both of them resembled pigs in any way shape or form.  It was just a coincidence that Pigboy became a lover of Pigs.  Pigboy always said that even if his name was President of France Rumbumpkin, he probably would still love pigs more then anything in the world.  One day, Pigboy awoke to a lick to his face from his favorite pig, Poindexter.  “Good Morning my friend, let’s get something to eat.”  Then after eating the two dear friends played all day and had a wondrous time.  They loved each other and this love would never be broken……..

Twenty years later: (now lets just pretend that pigs live that long and well sh!t, maybe they can live that long, except that we usually eat them before they get the chance)  Pigboy was now a Private Dick (I think I can say Dick there without blocking any letters because it is referencing the slang of a Private Detective.  Now if I was to say Pigboy was playing with his D!ck; well, I think you get the drift)  anyway, Pigboy had a busy case load and was now living on the mean streets in the Big City and his dear old friend Poindexter was a show Pig at the local strip joint ‘Ham On The Bone’.  It was a ruff gig for him, but he had to make a living and it was at least good money.  Poindexter was a bouncer and on ladies nights he would do a little dance and strip called ‘Pigboy and Poindexter – a love story’.

Meanwhile across town Pigboy was arriving at a murder scene.  He had been following Junkie Monkey, the proprietor of ‘Ham On The Bone’, for days; his wife thought he was cheating on her with a Hippopotamus.  Pigboy never got the chance to catch Junkie Monkey with the Hippo, but he had the eerie feeling that the widow Jolly Hippo had something to do with Junkie Monkey’s fate.

“What are you doing here Pigboy?”  Captain Jezebel mooed at Pigboy.

“I’m on a case Cow.”

“It’s Captain Cow, I mean.. Jezebel to you Pigboy.”

“So Captain, what do we have here?”

“Junkie Monkey was squashed flat.  We think it may be suicide.”

“Suicide?  How do you figure that?”

“He was found under a big fat Hippopotamus named..”

“Jolly Hippo!!”  Pigboy said with vigor.

“Yep, that’s the one.  We think it was a double suicide; maybe a love pact.”

‘Sounds like there are some holes in it’ Pigboy thought to himself.  “Do you mind if I have a BoPeep.”

“Who you F*#k is none of my business Pigboy, but just remember that that Little Miss ain’t no saint in pink bows, I once saw that BoPeep open her mouth so wide that she could fit an entire….”

“I mean can I look around?”

“Oh, yeah sure.”

Pigboy then went over to the squashed frame of Junkie Monkey and the large Hippo carcass that had bounced off of the Monkey’s body and landed on a nearby Cadillac.  Luckily the owners of the Cadillac were in the adjacent liquor store robbing it; otherwise they would have been two more dead bodies for the Police to scratch their heads over.  So far the robbers were still in the liquor store having an unscheduled and pleasantly surprising threesome with the liquor store owner’s wife.  Ming Li was handed the keys to the liquor store by her reluctant husband as he had to go and deal with a ladies sanitary truck that just drove through their house.  Ming Li was a dirty whore and an alcoholic!  Chuck Li is an idiot!

The Hippo’s carcass gave nothing away.  It was big, fat and dead!

The Monkey however was another story.  Although it was squashed flat, Junkie Monkey had obviously died happy as his dick was fully erected (although flat).  He had a very large penis, which I suppose you would have to if you were going to even touch the sides of that Hippo’s Cave of wonders.  Other then being naked, dead and flat, he seemed to be holding something in his hand.  Pigboy made sure that the Police were still peering into the window of the liquor store and then he grabbed the piece of paper out of the Monkey’s hand and put it straight into his pocket.

“Thanks Captain Bovine.”

“It’s Captain Cow Pigboy!”

“Don’t you mean Captain Jezebel Captain Cow?”

The Captain thought about it as Ming Li turned a 69 into 138 and just brushed the Private Dick away.  “Go back to peeping through windows Pigboy.”  The Captain said with absolutely now idea as to his own compete stupidity and uselessness.

Pigboy got into his car and took the paper out of his pocket.  It was a card from ‘Ham On The Bone’ and it had something written on the back ‘Poindexter’s next - 555- 3425782537’ the phone number seemed innocent enough until Pigboy started to dial it.  555 – then he noticed that the numbers following spelt a word that sent shivers down his spine. ‘D!cksucker’.

It was a long time since Pigboy had crossed paths with the notorious and infamous D!cksucker and after seeing the situation with the Monkey and the Hippo, he knew it had D!cksucker all over it.

D!cksucker was a kingpin from Jiz Town who was trying to muscle in on the Junkie Monkey’s business and territory.  It looked like he had just made his move and Poindexter was next.  D!cksucker must have shoved the card into Junkie Monkey’s hand before pushing him and his mound of pound out the window.

But why was Poindexter involved.  This was another name that Pigboy had not heard for a long time.  Not long after Pigboy graduated from school, Poindexter decided that he wanted more then what the farm could offer.  He wrote for a while but then the letters just stopped.  Pigboy went to the city to be with him but Poindexter just wanted to make it on his own.  This gave Pigboy the idea of becoming a professional Dick so he could keep an eye on his long time best friend and only dude he ever truly loved, but not in a homo way.  (And no Flamingo, this is not about us; it is just a coincidence that these two dudes love each other platonically, however if this was about us, you would be the stripper pig for sure)  Pigboy had no time to spare.  He had to get to ‘Ham On The Bone’ quickly to save his friend.

Running every light and breaking every speed limit on the way to ‘Ham On The Bone’ Pigboy tried to call the stripclub one more time.  No answer.

Pigboy Rumbumpkin turned into the street where the club was and sped up even faster.  And then he saw them; D!cksucker the Crocodile and his Ostrich henchmen.  They all carried machine guns and were about to let loose all over the ‘Ham On The Bone’.  Pigboy sped up even faster still and just before the first bullet fired, he slammed into four of the eight henchmen.  “I bet you wish you could fly now you bunch of oversized eggsh!tters.”  Pigboy then backed up over them and into two more.  He then pulled his sawn off shotgun from under the seat and flung himself out of the car before it was shot to sh!t by D!cksucker and the two remaining henchmen.  Pigboy stood up and shot one of the henchmen through the throat and its head then doubled over and it ran around like a nearly headless chicken. It ran into the other ostrich and it then accidentally shot D!cksucker in the foot.  “Ahh you F*#king useless sh!t”  and then Dicksucker shot them both dead.”

“Don’t move D!cksucker or I’ll blast you down in Jiz Town.”

“Don’t you mean you will shoot me back to Jiz Town?”

“No, I mean I will shoot you in the ballsack you f*#k.”

Just then, Poindexter came running out of the bar followed by many different strippers of all different shapes and sizes.  Poindexter quickly pulled up his Gstring.  “Pigboy!”  He called out scared for his friend.  “Stay back Poindexter, this mean ass Croc has it in for the club and for some reason, for you.”

“So you haven’t figured that out yet, huh D!cktective.  Your friend here is the sole beneficiary of Junkie Monkey’s will and that means that when he dies, I can take over with no interference due to my conections downtown.”

“Junkie Monkey’s dead?”  Poindexter said in shock.

“Yeah, he died quickly and up to his ears in [email protected]”  D!cksucker said proudly.

“Drop the gun D!cksucker or I’ll fill you so full of lead that everytime you f*#k, you’ll have to sharpen your d!ck to get an erection.”

“Not today Pigboy.”  And then it happened; all at once and inevitably.  Pigboy raised his shotgun and D!cksucker raised his machine gun and bullets flared in both directions.

Poindexter was screaming until the firing stopped and Pigboy stood victorious; except of course, that he was shot in the right nut and his left nipple was shot off also.

D!cksucker however was f*#ked.  One shot straight to the face saw the bastard face down bleeding into the drain like you see in those good detective stories (unlike this f*#ked up piece of sh!t that has hardly a point and absolutely no real focus point; yet)  Poindexter ran over to Pigboy and they hugged.

Then they realized they were being watched by everyone and they broke their hold.  “Dude.”  Pigboy said.  “Sweet.”  Poindexter said.

So that is it.  Pigboy and Poindexter now live together uptown with their girlfriends and they drink & f*#k hard every other night.  Poindexter still works irregular shifts at the club, but now he is the owner he only does one show now and again when Carrie Fisher is in town (Cause who the f*#k wouldn’t strip for Carrie Fisher)  Pigboy was now the Captain of the local Police department and was starting to really clean up the streets.  (Except of course for Ming Li’s Liquor store – I mean f*#k, if sh!t ain’t broke then does it really need fixing.)  Anyway in the end all turned out alright, except for the dead monkey, hippo and ostriches.  So next time you see a picture of Pigboy and Poindexter the innocent young boy and his pig, hope that even after life takes its mischievous turns that you will eventually get back to who you really are.  Oh and by the way, when Poindexter died at the ripe old age of 24, Pigboy had a beautiful Hangi in his honor.  Apparently that pig tasted damn good!

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Jimbo ‘Googly’ Hicks was never one to really run with the crowd.  He lived a simple life with simple needs and very few wants.  Jimbo loved to read the bible and plant seeds.  Jimbo loved his mother and his dog Reggie.  Jimbo was a flea!!  First thing every morning Jimbo would slide off of his human; via the ball sack and down the leg.  He would go to his herb garden and plant seeds, he would then visit his mother whom lived on Reggie, their dog.  “Sit Reggie, but never scratch or roll over on my Mother!”  Jimbo would say to the obedient animal.  He would then trek to his humans shoulder and read the Bible with him for as long as it took.  It was a pleasant life full of everything Jimbo could ever desire.

Then one day as Jimbo left the confines of his pubic home and was sliding down the shaft of his humans penis he looked out of the fly that was never fully shut and saw, with his extremely good eyesight, a female flea sitting on the shoulder of a female human sitting across from his human in the park.  She was very attractive and as far as humans go, her human was pretty also.  That night, Jimbo could not sleep very well as his humans hand kept slamming continuously into his home.  After Jimbo was finally left alone in quiet, he could not understand the feelings he was feeling in his own crotch.  His heart seemed to race very fast (do fleas have hearts?  Good f*#kin’ question, I’ll have to google that) anyway, Jimbo was confused!!!

The next day Jimbo’s human went back to the same place where he was the day before but this time he started talking to the female human.  Jimbo took this opportunity to find the female flea and have a chat with her.  “Well hello there sailor.”  Came a sweet but strange voice.  “Oh I’m not a sailor.”  Jimbo said as he turned to see the female flea sitting on her humans fly zipper, just as he was.  “That’s a shame big boy, ‘cause I love the smell of a big strong boat load of seamen”.

Jimbo was a little confused by this but he persisted with the conversation.  “My name is Jimbo, what’s yours?”

“My name is Phukalot.  It is a Japanese name since I have a little Japanese in me; well, my mum did anyway.”

Once again this comment went a little over Jimbo’s head, then all of a sudden Jimbo’s human moved closer to Phukalot’s human and they started touching each other and then Phukalot jumped across to Jimbo’s fly zipper.  Jimbo caught her and pulled her to safety.  “Thanks big boy.”  But the turmoil did not stop there.  Jimbo’s humans penis started coming right for them.  “It’s out of control!”  Jimbo screamed.  “Hold on to me.”  Phukalot clung onto Jimbo and then Jimbo jumped on the zipper as if it was a diving board and sprang through the air, then grabbed the penis’ foreskin.  He then did a flip in the air and landed on the giant (well actually, his human had a very small penis’ as far as human penis’ go, but to a flea this thing was f*#king huge) member and slid with Phukalot down to his pubic hide away.  For the next twenty four hours, Jimbo and Phukalot did things that Jimbo had never heard of before.  They got sweaty and messy and Jimbo was still confused, but was going down town with all of his gusto.  “Wow Phukalot, I have never even met another female flea before and now you have come into my life and given me lots of hardcore reasons to be more extraverted.”

“I’m glad Jimbo, anyway, I’m off.”

“You’re going?”  Jimbo asked sadly.

“Well yeah, I just wanted a f*#k and now that you and your human are flaccid, I’ve got to get back to my human’s warm and cosy duplex; it’s a little tight, but I manage.”

“Oh!”  Was all Jimbo could muster before the love of his life got dressed and jumped home to her human.  Now for days he had not seen his love’s female human. And Jimbo was sad.  His human seemed sad as well and was not being as familiar with himself as he usually would when episodes of Ugly Betty came on.  Jimbo had to do something to fix this situation and he had to do it fast.  First he got up extra early in the morning and went and had a talk with his dog Reggie.  “Now Reggie, today when we go for a walk, you must smell down Phukalot’s human and take our human to her.”  Reggie barked in agreeance and then rolled over and licked his [email protected]  (I guess if we could do it, we probably would).  Jimbo then visited his mum and advised her of what was to transpire.  “Just hold on Mum and all will be well.”

When it came time to go, Jimbo was on board his human and keen to find Phukalot.  Reggie led the way and Jimbo couldn’t wait.  They walked through the park that they usually found Phukalot and her human and then kept walking for quite some time.  Finally Jimbo thought it necessary to have a look at what was going on, so he climbed over the penis to the zipper and peered out at the world beyond.  There seemed to be a lot of humans just like his human cramming into a very tight space.  Reggie was still there, but was hard to see with all of the humans around.  It was quite strange how so many humans had come to congregate around the same place.  And then Jimbo saw it!  The place that everyone was trying to get into and it horrified Jimbo to his utter core.  It was ‘Ramming Rogers’ the whore house and Phukalot’s human was standing at the door ushering men into the establishment by showing off her mammary glands.  All of the humans were very keen to get to the front of the line and my human was acting so bizarre that he let go of Reggie’s lead and he ran off.  I think he was crying.  And then all of a sudden, I heard a growling, snorting noise coming from back down in my pubic region.  I looked down into the darkness and could see something moving.  It then turned into many things and they were all coming directly for me.  “Pubic Lice” I said with a vengeance.  That dirty whore invited them to my place and now they wanted to take over.

Jimbo ‘Googly’ Hicks was now very pissed off!  I would go so far as to say he was even more pissed off when Rambo was left on top of that hill in Vietnam with the POW by his own people.  It was…..(wait for it)……..clobbering time.  Jimbo ripped a piece of his sleeve off (yes, for the purpose of this scene we will pretend that fleas wear shirts) and he wrapped it around his forehead (and yes it was red)  he then snapped off a tiny metal bur that was sticking out of the zipper and raised it high in the air.  And as the wretched Pubic Lice, also know as Phthirus Pubis or most commonly – Crabs, scampered toward him, Jimbo yelled out really loud as he jumped onto his humans penis “COME GET SOME BITCHES” and then with an all mighty stab he thrust the metal bur into the eye of the penis.

(For those of you who are wondering about why Jimbo’s human’s eyes are so wide, yes, it is because he was just stabbed in his penis with a piece of metal and he had a hundred Pubic Lice crawling up his shaft.  I can’t see anything else that would make a man’s eyes widen that far…can you?)  Jimbo then held on for dear life as he knew what was coming (and no I don’t mean the penis) Jimbo’s human reached down and started scratching his crotch viciously.  At least twenty Crabs were taken out on the first scratch.  On the second scratch at least half of the bastards were eradicated.  The scratching after that lessened so Jimbo decided it was time to help his human with the rest.  He then slid down the penis with his makeshift knife in his hand and started kicking and stabbing any and all of the mother f*#kers that he passed off their perch and down into the leg pant abyss.  Jimbo fought bravely and valiantly, but eventually he was becoming over run with the nasty little sidewalkers.  “If only I had some help.”  And then as if sent by an angel Reggie appeared out of nowhere and nuzzled his human’s crotch and Jimbo’s mum and her entire shuffle board team came bounding into the fly.  “Mum.  Stay back, it’s too dangerous.”  Jimbo said.  “Don’t you worry son.”  Said Jimbo’s mum, I’ve dealt with a few bouts of Crabs in my time and so have my friends.  Especially Big Mertha.  And then Big Mertha came bursting in and jumped head first out into thin air and grabbed a loose piece of cotton.  She swung down and with her long handled paddle, slammed six f*#kers dead.  “Thanks Big Mertha.”  Jimbo said in kind.  “It’s my pleasure kid, I love a good rumble, but mostly I came for the view.”  The war was ferocious, but by the end all of the Crab like Lice had been squashed, cut open or sent sailing to their death.  Only one of Mum’s friends had died, but she was 102 and died of natural causes.  (NB: No loving friendly Fleas were harmed during this story).

“Thanks Mum,” Jimbo said as he gave her a big hug.  “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Well son, this life is for living, but next time you invite a skanky whoar into your bed, make sure she’s Christian or maybe a Jew, they’re usually pretty well off.  Anyway, we’re off home to Reggie and if you need us, just bite your human’s dick again.  That guy sure does have a set of lungs on him.”

So Jimbo lived his life and realized that there is more to life then herbs and the bible,  on a Wednesday he would play shuffleboard with his mum and her friends, on Friday nights Jimbo would offer himself to all of the less fortunate fleas who lived on those f*#king annoying Jack Russels and on Sunday nights Jimbo would curl up with a good book that wasn’t the good book.

All in all, life was good and Jimbo lived a long life and eventually he even fell in love, but that is another story!

Oh and then he died in the Jizz Flood of 2012; such is life!

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Thank you for sending in this picture as Captain Mal has seen this before and it is time that society recognizes this painful affliction.  It is an affliction that dates back to the age of the Dinosaur.  It started when large dinosaurs would walk over volcano's and their crotch would become inflamed (of course there are no real medical  onnections to this assumed origin, but Captain Mal is pretty damn sure - and sorry for talking about myself in the third person, but I just watched Fanboy the other day and if you haven't then...well...what are you doing after you read this, since it seems you folk who read my blog don't seem to have much to do other then read blogs and probably tweet and FB. And FB does not stand for f*#k b!tch#s, it stands for Facebook!  

Also I have to apologize for assuming that you have so much time on your hands that you only communicate through the internet; it was a blatant disregard to your feelings and I possibly said it because I have not had my second cup of coffee yet this morning, not that I like coffee, I actually think it tastes like armadillo urine soaked cups of mud; how do I know how that tastes? Well, send me a picture of an armadillo and maybe you will find out.  F*#king h#ll I get of the story a lot, I think I need someone to poke me when I start blabbing on and on and I mean that in a completely non-homosexual way, not that there is anything inappropriate with men f*#king men, its actually a very natural and beautiful thing, unless of course you are a prison b!tch and Bubba is feeling saucy.  

Oh sh!t, I'm doing it again, sorry, back to the picture; and the name of this cursed affliction that has surged forward through time to lay its dirty and itchy aura all over young men and women in this day and age is "Hot Crotch", it has been sub-named "Hot [email protected]" but that is only when it refers to the female of our species.  Hot Crotch is a now rare disease as there are many ground breaking creams and applications.  The main medicinal cure is, and I'm not sh!tt!ng you on this, is saliva!!! I think you can all see where this is going!!!!!  Yes, licking your partner's crotch or finding someone to lick your crotch is the most effective form of relief.  There are some sprays that work temporarily (as pictured) that are most appropriate in some real life situations such as a basketball or netball game, although there was the incident of 2006 where the whole Brazillian Woman's team had a massive case of Hot Crotch that erupted in the last quarter of the finals, so the coach did the only thing she could!  She called upon all of the girls partners to come down to the court and salivate all over their girlfriends' afflicted region.  It took only minutes for some, but Brulga Von Sykes who was a builder of Dykes, took an hour twenty four to stop being sore and then with energy a plenty they won the game by twenty and the record did show praise in the job of blow.

That of course was an extreme situation, which was banned from the sport and after that day, all incidents were dealt with due to the amount of complaints that ensued, by spray.  Most complaints were because the incidentwas not put on You Tube, but some were credible enough to cause alloutbreaks of Hot Crotch to be dealt with via the spray 'Lickless Saliva in acan'.  Definitely effective enough, but nowhere near as exciting for anyone.And rumors are floating around that Brulga Von Sykes is going on an anti 'Lickess Saliva in a can' tour with her girlfriend Steve.

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Quite a while ago, not terribly far away…………..NUT WARS!

Ballsout Starcrapper was the toughest, most valiant Clone Trooper in the entire Republic, plus he has an IQ of about 45.

This never waned his resolve though; Ballsout was always prepared to do what no other Clone Trooper would do.

Firstly, I would be remiss not to tell you a little about this brave soldier and about his roots, in which I refer to his Republic file.  

Name: Harry ‘Ballsout’ Starcrapper

ID No.: 00000000000000000000½

Rank: Corporal  

Sex: Never

Home Address: The Hottest F*#king part of Tatooine

Family: Sex craved Aunty Lydia (who just so happens to be a Tusken Raider)

Weapons Skills: Can shoot in a primarily forward direction (Never allowed to hold a Lightsaber after the Jedi Academy incident of 19 BSW4)

Driving Skills: Unable to differentiate left from right unless by accident; can ride Alderaanian Chipmunks

Special Skills: Can talk to or appear to talk to the Chipmunks

Reason for NickName: He has excessively large testicles and, well…….they hang out sometimes.

Commanding Officer: Admiral D’sex Origan

This particular story is about how Ballsout became a hero of the Republic

“Ballsout, front and center!”  Admiral D’sex yelled out to the Ditzy Corporal

“At the same time Admiral?” Came the response.

“Come here and stand in front of me you f*#king Kessel Cretan.”

“Yes Sir.”  Ballsout answered proudly.  “I am half Kesselian Admiral by the way, how did you know?”

The Admiral ignored Ballsout while the bridge of his Warship the ‘Shafter’ was crumbling around them in flames.  “Ballsout, it is just you and me left and we have to get past that blockade, get down to the planet of Buma Chuma and rescue Princess No’nickas, kill all of the invading Separatist droids, capture the Separatist leader, ‘SwollenNut’ and escape back to the safety of Coruscant.”

“Just point the way to go Admiral and could you help me tie my shoelaces.”

The Admiral looked down at the Corporals laceless boots.  “You aren’t wearing any shoelaces Corporal!”

“Well then Admiral I hope my pants don’t fall down, let’s go.”

The Admiral refused to respond and simply ran toward the escape vessel with Ballsout.  (Ballsout was following him; he didn’t have his balls out, but I hope you already assumed that)  Then D’sex pushed Ballsout in and got in just in time to initiate the release and blast in to space before the ‘Shafter’ exploded.

As they flew off D’sex looked back at his trusty ship with a tear in his eye.  “I’ve shafted more black holes with that ship then I’ve gone on blind dates with Bespin escorts; it is a sad day for deep space exploration!!!”

The vessel approached the blockade and just before the Admiral was about to manipulate his way through the droid warships Ballsout slipped on a used condom?? And fell on the Admirals crotch with his legs straddling D’sex’s head.  “Get off me you fool.” D’sex yelled.  Ballsout struggled to move but his helmet was stuck between the drive joystick and the coffee percolator.  The vessel spun violently as laser fire shot all around them and as D’sex tried to get his face out of Ballsout’s crotch he said in desperation, no matter what happens you f*#king idiot, do not get your ballsout or my name will become my destiny.  

Ballsout did not know what the Admiral meant, but he just assumed it had something to do with his twig and berries.  Threats to Ballsout usually had something to do with his penis or testicles.  Ballsout then lifted his hand to try and un-wedge himself and he got his glove caught on a button.  Laser fire shot out from their vessel and Admiral D’sex almost crapped his pants.  “What the f*#k.”

It took at least another two minutes before D’sex could get Ballsout off.  The two men were exhausted and both felt like a cigarette but instead they checked their position.  D’sex couldn’t believe it; they were through the blockade and his rear scanners showed that all enemy ships were destroyed.  “Good job Ballsout………”  the Admiral paused before completing his sentence.  “…………………lets just never explain how we did what we just did!”

“So we don’t tell anyone about the accidental evasion of the enemy or the crotches in each others faces?”

“NEITHER!”  The Admiral snapped and Ballsout just shut the f*#k up and sucked his thumb all the way to the surface of Buma Chuma.

Admiral D’sex found a nice patch of dirt to land and came down like a schoolgirl sneaking in to her room at three in the morning; quiet and softly!

“Allright Ballsout, let’s do this thing.”  The Admiral and Ballsout exited the ship to find that they were surrounded by oversized nasty looking Chipmunks.

“Well f*#k me sideways and call me your grandma, it looks like we’re at an end Corporal.”

Ballsout knew just what to do.  He walked forward with his hand up and spoke in an array of clicks and chirps (D’sex had forgotten that Ballsout could communicate with chipmunks).  This went on for about five minutes and the Chipmunks seemed to listen intently.  Then Ballsout turned to D’sex.  “They will help us save the Princess No’nickas and to capture SwollenNut as he enslaves them and eats crushed nuts in front of them.”

“Yes, I can see how that could be offensive,” said D’sex.  “No one likes to see their nuts crushed on a platter being eaten in front of them; that should just never happen to anybody or to any Chipmunks.”

This is a Star Wars Fan intermission – ‘Yes, I am fully aware that the outfit that Ballsout is wearing is a Biker Scout’s and that armour was not shown until Return of the Jedi, which is about 25-30 years after this story is set, however, I have not mentioned in the story and will not since I am telling you now that this is the first Biker Scout suit off the assembly line and Ballsout is the test dummy for it.  Darth Vader always tests every upgrade of uniform/body armour before it goes into full assembly due to the costs of running off 500,000 suits of armour and then realizing that the integrity is just not up to par; not that it ever does any good, the goodies don’t wear any armour and they never F*#kin’ get shot.  I mean, Han Solo has never been shot, even when a hundred stormtoopers were shooting at him, but he seemed to hit a few of the f*#kers with out much problem did he.  I think their armour is made of f*#king rayon or something ‘cause those f*#kers go down the first time every time’.

Anyway, I digest (see what I did there Blue Harvest fans), the castle where No’nickas was being held was guarded by about twenty rancors and was armed with about thirty cannons.  Nutsucker, the Chipmunk leader who Ballsout was riding was eager to go!  Two hundred Chipmunks were lined up behind Nutsucker, Ballsout and Admiral D’sex who was riding Lady Cleetoris, Nutsuckers usually elusive mate.  The sun was rising against their backs and the Ballsout gave a speech to inspire the men….I mean Chipmunks.  I will translate for you ‘Chipmunks, I am just a man, a man with large hairy testicles.  Some say that they are the biggest balls in the Galaxy, yet some Wookies refute that claim.  I ask of you what my superiors ask of me; go out there and f*#k up the bad guys and do it, not for glory, not for riches & not for sex!  Do it for your NUTS.’  At that Ballsout raised his hand in the air and screamed.  This prompted the two hundred strong army of Chipmunks to charge.  I won’t bore you now with the details of the battle, but I will tell you that some good f*#king Chipmunks died that day.  Well, actually only one died…….of old age, but it was still a bloody good battle.  The Rancors were actually distant relatives of the Chipmunks and turned on their oppressive bitch droid slaves and the castle was taken down in a matter of seconds; 69 to be exact.  Admiral D’sex Origan rode up to Ballsout.  “This day will be remembered Ballsout; not just because of this victory, but because it was proven that even a stupid fool can use his big balls to save the day.”

Ballsout then looked up to the tower and saw the evil SwollenNut carrying No’nickas to a spaceship.  “It’s not over yet Admiral.”  Then Ballsout literally got his balls out, he pulled down his pants and stripped off his armour and jumped onto a catapult.  “Could you do the honors Admiral.”  Then D’sex pulled the lever to launch the catapult and Ballsout shot through the air with his massive nuts swinging in the breeze.  Ballsout grabbed the top of his ball sack and started swinging it around and around like a lasso as he flew through the air.  Ballsout cleared the roof and SwollenNut was shocked to see such large nuts slam into his face.  “Yuck, salty!”  SwollenNut said as he spat out the ball sweat that had entered his mouth.  No’nickas had jumped aside just in time, but secretively she wished……………….hmmm…………..should I?................ah f*#k it, she wished that that sweat was all over her face and that she was a piñata. Too far????

No’nickas then watched in shock and awe and horror and some more shock as SwollenNut pulled out his swollen nut; he had only one since he was from Unitesticland (it’s a small planet! They don’t get out much.)

Then it was on like Donkey Kong!!! Ballsout and SwolleNut were slapping those nuts around like two 80 year old homosexuals trying something new and edgy.  Ballsout whacked SwolleNut in the face again just as he was swallowing.  This threw the Seperatist leader off balance and Ballsout took the opportunity to do his special spin technique.  He spun in a circle as quickly as possible and every time SwollenNut tried to penetrate his defences, Ballsouts nuts would deflect the attack. Finally, Ballsout got up enough speed and he let go of his ball sack slack and his gigantic nuts smacked SwollenNut in the head so hard that his tentacles got wrapped in Ballsouts testicles and then was being swung around and around and around.  His tentacles then slipped free of the testicles and he flew across the roof top and landed on a cylindrical object protruding from the ground; I don’t think I have to tell you how SwollenNuts ass felt the next morning.  Admiral D’sex then burst through the doors and ran onto the roof just as SwollenNut reached for his blaster and was about to shoot Ballsout, even though his ass was impaled on a dildoesk object and the pain was bitter sweet.  D’sex then raised his own blaster and fired, tearing a hole through SwollenNuts Swollen Nut.  The evil Separatist wailed in pain and dropped his blaster.

Then D’sex blew the smoke away from his blaster and said something cool like.  “D’sex by name….De sex by nature!”

Then Ballsout went to the Princess and helped her to her feet.  “Are you ok Princess No’nickas?”

“I’m horny!”  And then she kissed Ballsout passionately.  Ballsout believed that he was finally going to get some and the Admiral then tapped him on the shoulder.  “Excuse me Corporal.”

“Yes Admiral.”  Ballsout relplied.  

“Admiral?”  No’nickas asked.  “Hmmm.”

Need I say more readers………alright fine.  Princess No’nickas went and had freaky sex with Admiral D’sex while Ballsout had to help SwollenNut off of the cylindrical object and into the ship to take him back to the Republic.  The Chipmunks found their nuts and had a seven day Nut fest (and trust me, a seven day Nut fest is a good thing).  So everybody got what they deserved in the end, especially SwollenNut; except Ballsout of course, who is still a virgin…….but that…. is another story!  Da Da Dadada Da Da, Dadada Da Da Dum Dum Dum Dum – P.S. During the seven day nut fest, Nutsucker never did find Lady Cleetoris!!

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Fellow Bloggers, back in 1812 the United States formed their own national personification, ‘Uncle Sam’, now I think that it is time for you all to join together and give this country a new lease on unification, if you so wish, you may use Capt Mal as the raw base for your persona. ‘CM’ could very simply and rightfully stand for ‘Crap Munchers’.  The people of Australia are the worlds most highly educated nation of homo-sapiens on the matter of Crap.  We thrive on knowing the names of all Bond movies off by heart, we relish the chance to quote a line from Forrest Gump in a social setting and to do that voice that borders upon insulting the slow of mind, we love to punch the person next to us at a football match and then wake up in the gutter the next morning with our arms around them with puke all over ourselves, we love to criticize our politicians and then vote in a new one to piss the old one off only to criticize whatever the new one says, sarcasm is a language in Australia and the rest of the world don’t understand us, WHY?! Because we Munch Crap, we learn absolutely useless crap and it makes us happy!!!  Don’t get me wrong, we know some useful sh!t too, but your friends won’t remember you for being a smarty bum know it all.  At your funeral your friends will cherish the memories of the time you burped the theme song to the ATeam.  So bloggers, enhance your lives and help me to enhance your lives, send in some pictures; pictures that can’t be explained, pictures that just f*#kin’ shouldn’t be explained and lets bring this nation together.  Tomorrow I want you all to get up and Crap Munch, tell people you are a Crap Muncher and that you are proud of it.  Then perhaps this picture of Uncle Sam could be changed to Eric Bana cause that MotherF*#ker is the Hulk for God sake .

And thank you, you bunch of ‘Crap Munchers’

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Chuck Bird – notorious gangster, devout Christian, overeater and most offensively; has turrets.

‘Good morning Chuck’ I would say as he left his apartment and wandered almost aimlessly down the hall to the stairs that led to the back garage where his soft top Audi awaited.

‘Good f*#kin’, ass lickin’, butt munchin, morning Capt. Mal’ he would say in return.  And then all of a sudden his turrets would kick in.

‘You take the good you take the bad, you get them both and there you have the fact of life….the facts of life’

Yes ladies and gentlemen Chuck has ‘The Facts of Life –Turrets’.

It is an accursed violation of the soul and the devil himself must have put it there.

‘I’m sorry Capt.’ Mal’ Chuck would say and then he would sit on a step and sob.  Every morning I would go and sit with him and pat him on the back and make sure that he knows that I am not offended.  ‘Tootie never vacuumed under the rug’ he would say and then his sobs would turn into loud and offensively repetitive comments about the beautiful hair stylings of Blair.  Chuck was heading for a nervous breakdown.  ‘Ball sucking come sucker’ Chuck cursed before shouting out ‘Edna Garrett loves puppies’

I mean, really, what the f*#k can you do about this sort of [email protected]?  Poor Chuck thought that the only thing that he had to do to get over this horrible affliction was to accept his destiny.  He had to return to his childhood and find the source of his affliction.

“Natalie is just big boned.”  Chuck sobbed and then I helped him down to his car.

“Where are you going Chuck?”  I asked anxiously as I was very concerned for the oversized, yellow, freaky looking seven and a half foot tall bird.

F*#k Capt. Mal, isn’t it obvious?  I have to go back to f*#kin’ Poppyseed Lane (see what I did there??); it’s the place I grew up.”

I then offered to go with him and Chuck Bird accepted graciously.

“Eastland School rocks!”  Chuck said as we got into his car and drove to Poppyseed Lane.

I had to sit in the trailer since Chuck was such a fat MoFu (oh and by the way, this is probably a very good time to talk to you about this f*#king slang that has been produced ‘MoFo’ – there is no O in F*#k you MORONS, so from now on please say MoFu, it just makes sense).  So we hit Poppyseed lane and we see a green weird MoFu in a trash can and Chuck calls out ‘Hey Occy, where’s my sister [email protected]?’ and the weird green dude named Occy just calls out ‘Oh Sh!t birds’ and dives inside his trashcan.  Then a little further along a red monster with a childlike voice wanders past and sees Chuck and myself and freaks out yelling ‘Holy f*#king sh!t my christ’ and jumps through a window, shattering the glass and getting a piece wedged into his left butt cheek.  ‘I don’t know what is wrong with Occy and Almo, but something very freakin’ f*#kin’ weird is going on.’  Chuck said, followed by ‘Jo Polniaczek is soft on the inside’.  ‘I think your Turrets is getting worse Chuck, perhaps we are getting closer to the source of your emotional turmoil.’

‘I C*#ting hope so’.  The fat f*#k of a bird sobbed.

Then all of a sudden he stopped the car and saw something that made his feathers stand on end.  It was [email protected] Bird, his sister.

[email protected] Bird was Huge, but not as huge as Chuck.  She had a very mean look about her and had a holstered gun hanging around her fat gut.

Chuck got out and stood opposite [email protected]  I watched in bizarre amazement, eager to find out what the f*#k was going on.

‘Hello Chucky.”  [email protected] said.  ‘Why did you come back you dirty @ss plunger.’

‘I have a problem and I need closure.’

‘You can’t let it go can you?’  [email protected] squinted just like Clint.

‘Let go of what?’

‘Don’t f*#k with me Chuck, you’re pissed because Mum used to let me sit up and watch The Facts of Life and you had to go to bed because you were younger and they didn’t like you as much as they liked me and then when you got old enough to stay up, it was season 8 and Mrs Garrett had left and the show had then died in the ass.  You resented me for that and ever since you left Poppyseed Lane, I’ve been carrying this piece around with me waiting for you to come back to kill me.’

Chuck looked into [email protected]’s eyes and a weight lifted from his shoulders.  All of his life he had repressed these feelings and they had now surfaced.

He had the closure he was looking for…….Almost.  Chuck pulled a knife from his back pocket (it’s a feather pocket so you can’t see it unless you are really looking hard) and he dove at [email protected] Bird.  [email protected] drew her gun but quickly realized that it was made of rubber and his best friend Sniffajiffijuice must have swapped it. ‘F*#king imaginary elephant’ [email protected] thought as the knife plunged into her chest.  Chuck was relentless with his attack and kept striking [email protected] over and over all the while singing ‘You take the good you take the bad you take ‘em both and there you have the Facts of life…the Facts of life’.

Life ebbed from the [email protected] Bird, but she was not to give up without a fight.  She searched the ground and found a rotting fish (?????) she then struck Chuck in the head with it and Chuck cried out.  “You f*#king @ssh*le, I’m going to end you, you yellow f*#kin’ oversized pigeon.

Meanwhile, I was still sitting in the car and somehow I was now eating popcorn.  I watched as the two siblings battled royally and viciously.  After about an hour I finally noticed something; Chuck had not said a quote from The Facts of Life for about forty minutes.

‘Chuck,’ I called out.  ‘I think you are cured!!!!!’  Suddenly, Chuck and [email protected] stopped fighting and Chuck realized that I was right; he had come full circle and let out all of his anger and resentment and now he was free.  [email protected] helped Chuck to his feet and they both hugged a deep meaningful Siblings hug and said their goodbye’s and then Chuck wedged his fat feathery ass back in the car.

Before we drove off, [email protected] called out to her brother.  ‘Will I see you again brother, now that we have settled things?’

Chuck then started the car, turned up the radio, gave his sister the finger and said.  ‘I’d rather drink the sweat of Birt and Arnie’s hairy testicles you @ss licking junkie.’  Then we drove off, leaving Poppyseed Lane behind us and all of the pain was now gone from Chuck’s heart.  So next time you watch Poppyseed Lane, think of Chuck and [email protected] and remember that if you ever repress anything then you may just end up having a knife fight with a [email protected] fat bird.  It sounds like fun in theory, but you just wait until you get pinned down by a fat bird and slapped around by a nasty smelly fish until you realize that the Facts of Life are not all that they are cracked up to be!  That kind of reality ain’t fun!!! It just ain’t fun at all!!! Trust me………

____________________________________________________________________

And Mal Said.....................

Hey Bloggers, since I was so freakin’ philosophical with the last picture I have decided to dedicate this next one to my Father.

He would have loved this sh!t:

“There once was a Groper from Stog

Its face had the shape of a dog

It wasn’t no runt

And had a taste for fish c*#t

And its dick was the size of a log”

____________________________________________________________________