Captain Mal Explains

So, where has Captain Mal beenfor 2 years, 2 months & 13 days?

{Good question reader...you arevery perceptive and must be an avid Capt Mal fan, thank you and you willreceive your new Capt Mal Showbag in the mail: contents include a sweet potato,a bag of mixed nuts, two cotton balls & a red faxed stamp...oh and anoversized picture book from the movie Twilight; basically it’s a bunch ofshit that I don’t want.}

Abducted by Aliens is the shortanswer!

Did you want the long answer?

I assume you do...hmmm, where tobegin.....A long time ago, 2 years, 2 months & 13 days ago to be exact, Iwas planting carrots in my vege garden.....ok, well I stuck a carrot in theground while I was drunk thinking that it might multiply.......It didn’t,so ten minutes later I ate it while drinking another glass of Schnapps madefrom Peach and singing that Lady Gaga song that has the words ‘Ooh ah oohGaga’ in it, but they’re the only words I know so I pretty much wasjust sitting in the mud while it rained, eating a dirty carrot and singing OohGaga while downing my 8th Peach Schnapps.....I don’t eventhink I was in my own yard, I think I was in Mrs Henderson’s yard.....shehas nice cumquats..........you heard me!

Anyway, where have I been?

So I was sitting in MrsHenderson’s Cumquat patch picking dirt and carrot out of my teeth aboutto pass out.....I had fallen back flat and was staring up at the stars (the rain had passed by this time).  It was a moonless night and Mrs Henderson’sis somewhere north/west of CockWash so there wasn’t much around as far ascities go so it was dark!

Why was I in CockWash? Well quite simply I thought they may have a few aromatic suggestions.....

So it was dark and I was lookingup at the stars and I thought I saw a star move.  My vision was a bitblurry but I was certain that it moved.  I rubbed my eyes and all that didwas get mud and carrot in them so I sat up and tried rubbing them on my sleevebut my sleeve had soy sauce all over it from an incident earlier in the eveningthat involved a Japanese blind man, a pack of marshmallows and a bottle of soysauce that was wedged between a large breasted policewoman.........I’mnot sure if any photos of this were taken, so I may never be explaining thatstory to you but simply I can just say, never doubt a horny blind man’saccuracy & you should never flinch unless you want to cop one!

After rubbing my eyes with theother sleeve that actually was ripped off my shirt and was in my back pocketbecause earlier that evening......um, nevermind or I’ll never get to thef#cking aliens.

I sat up and finally had cleareyes; I looked back up into the dark sky and saw nothing.  The blue movingstar was gone, actually all the f#cken stars were gone.  I thought I wasstill asleep so I pinched myself on my left nut and then slapped myself forbeing so stupid because it f#cken hurt.  Anyway, there were no stars for avery good reason; a spaceship was now hovering about two meters over the top ofthe Henderson’s roof.  Before I could say ‘F#ck me sidewaysand with a pound of leg ham’ I was sucked up by a sudden bright light.

I couldn’t remember muchafter that for at least 24 hours; or at least for what I thought was 24 hoursbut ended up being 2 years, 2 months & 12 days.  I woke up one morningand I was standing in a sailor’s outfit...yes like the one that Popeyewears, I had a babies bonnet on, I had a pair of seal skin boots on my feet, myleft nut had finally dropped, someone had pierced my ears and I had pink hoopson, my beer gut was gone and I now had a six pack, my arse was sore so I lookedat it in a nearby mirror and there was a tattoo of Chuck Norris on my rightbutt cheek and I hadn’t shaved for what looked like 2 years, 2 months and12 days!

I looked around and it seemed thatI was on the spaceship that had sucked me up on that fateful night and when Ilooked out of a porthole I realised that I was going home.  We werespeeding toward Earth and heading not back to CockWash, but back to my realhome.  I then called out ‘Can I have my clothes back if you’redropping me home’  but there was no response!  I then calledout over and over again to try to get someone’s attention but no onecame.  The room was empty except for a very large chair so I went over andkicked the chair tring to get someone’s attention and it did.

A door slid open behind me andstanding there was none other then .......Chuck Norris!

‘Chuck Norris’ Isaid in shock ‘What are you doing on a spaceship?’

‘Simple question...’Chuck said in his husky tones ‘But not such a simple answer.  What Ican tell you though Capt Mal, is that you are one interesting dude and one dayI will call upon you to help me save the Earth!!!’

‘Save the Earth! Wow, I’d be honoured, but what help will you need from me?’

‘Trust me, when I call you....youwill know!’

And then without warning ChuckNorris roundhouse kicked me in the head and I woke up in my bed and the nextday Uncle...I mean Aunty Neville dropped by for a picnic and some weird shitwith a f#*king Koala Bear happened.

So that’s my story andalthough you don’t have to believe me, I know that one day Chuck Norriswill call....and I will abide!

So Reader, enjoy your sweetpotato...I have chosen one that particularly tastes like freedom...

Capt Mal out!

'Sensible Shoes Uncle Neville'............

is all I said to him as he drove out of our lives 6 years ago.  His question was a simple one 'What gave you the edge when you out ran that bear last winter Capt Mal'? 'Just make sure you have sensible shoes' I said and he was gone.  At Christmas he came back and guess what?  He was wearing sensible shoes'!  However he now wished to be called Aunty Neville.

Now before I go any further, I should make you aware of the fact that Aunty Neville is a believer in Benign Intervention; this means that he does what he does and is what he is and if anyone happens to agree with his aura then that is cool...Aunty N was a pacifist!  Not many people agreed with his aura though, actually after his return most people, especially the family found him downright offensive.

Aunty Neville had seen some shit!  I asked her, um him, I mean ... Anyway, I asked if he ran into any bears and he did.  He told me that his sensible shoes allowed him to run faster than the bear, but, he almost got caught though because the shorts he was wearing didn't keep his junk in control and they swung so hard and with such force that he almost went off course and hit a tree.  So he designed an outfit that would allow his junk to be controlled while he ran.  Apparently, Aunty N thought that the bear would track him since he had sex with its wife........................ It was lonely in the wilderness!

So now we are off on a family picnic and Aunty Neville got some supplies.  We met him at the picnic ground and the festivities started.  Grandma Ethel fell asleep in her chair after eating a bowl of slaw, Cousin Bunny went off into the woods with 2nd cousin Arty, Arty's girlfriend went looking for him and wound up cornered by Grandpa Willy whom talked endlessly  about the war... he wasn't in the war but he liked to talk about it while staring at Holly's tits. Then there's ma & pa, they love to play snakes and ladders.

It was 2pm when it happened and I think Aunty Neville was waiting for it... The Bear pounced out of the bushes and ran at Aunty N.  My Aunty did not skip a beat.  He was on his feet with his  bag of supplies, he reached in and pulled out a long handled net and scooped up the cranky little f#cken Koala Bear.  It was amazing to witness and very heroic.

Aunty Neville hung the bear up and started explaining to the koala that the only reason that he slept with his wife was because he was away from the tree so often and his wife really did love him.  They made up, hugged and Loofer the Koala Bear went home to Phuky.

I bet you thought that he was gonna get into a death match with Loofer, but seriously folks......... You didn't think we'd kill the f#cken Koala Bear now did you Ooohh!!!

And remember, Aunty N is a master of Benign Intervention!!!

Capt Mal out...

-------------------------------------------------------------

And Mal said......

Hmmmmm i'm not sure what to start off with now, since blogging is now a proposed Olympic event.  I think that we should start a movement to change the word blogging to SPACEROCKING.  Think about it, BLOG....it just sounds so f*#king ridiculous.  But SPACEROCKING, now that sounds freakin' f*#king cool.  So the next time that a chick asks any of you geeks out there who are obsessed with the Spacerocking (just get into it, stop saying blog alright) what they did last night, you can stand with your legs spread amply apart, so that it looks like you have a large p#nis, put your hands on your hips like Superman and stand really f*#king tall with your chest puffed our and say 'I was SPACEROCKING!'  And trust me, she'll be much more impressed then you standing there with your pocket protector sticking out and your back slumped and your finger up your nose and hearing you say 'Um....I was Blogging.'So from now on Spacerocking IN - Blogging OUT.  Blogging is now bogging while jogging and Spacerocking is the action of making an empty space on the internet into something that just f*#king rocks, thus, SPACEROCKING.

So, Spacerockers, how 'bout this picture of a girl wearing a Leia style metal bikini.  I'm just not sure if it works for me and i'm not going to make up a story this time either, I think this picture just needs recognition.  I mean, sure she has a great rack. (is that PC, cause i'm just not f*#king sure anymore; Rack should be fine shouldn't it.  If any lady out there is offended at me saying rack, please send in a picture of your breasts and let us know what you would rather me call them.  That way, I can put the picture of your Rack or Breasts or Aunt Sally's or whatever up and then I can say 'Wow, what a nice   Blank   .  And then I won't offend anyone ever again, of course until I start talking about vagina's, but please....don't get me started on vagina's, 'cause that's a whole world of Politically Incorrect.)  Personally, I'm all for women who think that they can dress up like Leia and prance around trying to impress the boys.  Good on you, but just look at the picture that was just previously posted and you try to tell me that this chick has anything on Carrie Fisher and I will tell you that the Queen wears a G-String when she visits the Pope.  So thank you miss Red Headed, Nice Rack Leia impersonator, but give me the real thing any day of the week.  And no matter what I say about this picture though, it is blatantly clear to me that Captain Hook has the biggest boner he's had since he got it stuck in an Electrolux.  I even bet that Hookie is holding the chain.  Well, there's a fantasy for you boys; Captain Hook, Princess Leia and let's see........um.......maybe Robocop?!  I'd buy that for a dollar!!!!!!!

Nighty night Spacerockers (See, doesn't that just sound so much f*#king better)Captain Mal out

And Mal said........

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..................Leia in Slave Girl Outfit!!!!!!!!!

Hi Bloggers........um........i'm going to stop calling you bloggers now, it just sounds so f*#king weird.  It sounds like i'm referring to you as some kind of athletic excreter's.  It would be cool though if blogging ended up becoming an Olympic sport; bogging while jogging, could be the promotional campaign - 'Hi Australia, this Olympic season how about you support our Bloggers by buying a new t-shirt with 'Blogging while Jogging is my bag, baby' on the front and a picture of a turd coming out of one of our Olympic Bloggers on the back.  You can choose between a picture of Barry Humphrey's or our Prime Minister (sorry, I forgot her name already), anyway as you all know, Blogging is the future of sport and it all started here.  Blogging started back in the 70's while farmers would have to take a sh!t while being chased by Kangaroos who were so keen to f*#k them in the @ss.  As soon as the farmer would take a bog on the run, he would go faster.  Of course the Kangaroo would still catch them, but after the unfortunate @ss plunging the farmer would at least have a ride home.  (because this of course correctly depicts the nature of our wildlife).  So, get into blogging today and avoid Kangaroo rape!

Wow, where did that come from, anyway Princess Leia; who the f*#k in this world has not fantasized about this smokin' hot She-God.  In the 80's every boy, teenager and man was suddenly overcome with a purpose in life; to have sex with Princess Leia in that outfit or with someone dressed up in that outfit or to purchase a life size doll of leia in that outfit.  And come on ladies, you can't tell me that if you were a Lesbian (or is it same s#x admirer, whatever, as long as I don't call you dykes i guess) you can't tell me that you wouldn't like to tie her up and pretend to be Jabba the Hut even just as an 'experiment'.  The woman is hot, she's so hot that she transcends time and space and a f*#k load of dreams.  I actually predict that after seeing this picture that there are going to be a lot of wet socks lying around under beds and in hampers today.  I don't blame you, I actually have a song about this wonderful creature that I just might even share with you.  So sit back, relax and pretend that someone like 'Flamingo Stu' is singing this to you - oh, wait, you don't know Flamingo Stu...........hmmm, well perhaps one day you will and you will understand why this song sounds better when he is singing it.

Now here it is; a song about how much I love Princess Leia.............and want to kidnap her!!!!!!  I think I need a shrink?!

I want to go back in time to the Blue Harvest set

By the time I was ten and not much more

I’d watched star wars 100 time or was it 104

Princess Leia wasn’t my favorite way back then

But what did my hormones know, I was only ten

But in a few years time…suddenly

I thought Carrie Fisher was my destiny

How could I get her to notice me

And will she ever know she’s the woman of my dreams

Chorus

‘I want to go back in time to the Blue Harvest set

And steal the jetpack off of Boba Fett

And hope Leia is wearing her metal bikini that day

And I’d grab hold of her and just fly away’

Carrie you are just a vision in gold

I want you to be my woman until we are old

Please believe me when I say, I’m your biggest fan

So how ‘bout we get it on as much as we can

Princess Leia I wan’t to be your Han

I know I could get the rebels those death star plans

Anyway Harrison’s in love with Ally McBeal

My god your body is just so frickin’ unreal

Chorus

‘I want to go back in time to the Blue Harvest set

And steal the jetpack off of Boba Fett

And hope Leia is wearing her metal bikini that day

And I’d grab hold of her and just fly away’

But seriously Carrie will you come with me

And you can live your life in that metal bikini

I know that to ask this is very bold

But with you in my arms you will never be cold

Alarm clock ringing, and no more dreams

About Carrie in my arms wearin’ that metal bikini

It just ain’t fair and it is plain to see

That I’ll never get to hold Slave Girl Carrie

 ‘I want to go back in time to the Blue Harvest set

And steal the jetpack off of Boba Fett

And hope Leia is wearing her metal bikini that day

And I’d grab hold of her…I’d grab hold of her..by God I would grab hold of her… and just fly away’

P.S. it works better if you sing along; Good night Leia lovers and sweat dreams......................oh and if anyone knows where to bet a Leia Peek a boo pen, let me know.

And Mal said.......

Dear dude selling van,

Hi, my name is Capt Mal; I have other alias', but for legal reasons, I can't reveal them all in this blog (I'm wanted for Chimpanzee wrestling & for stealing a Moose penis, but they are both really f*#ked up stories) anyway, I like your style and I just wanted to put your ad up to show my appreciation for the beautifully crafted work.

I'm not going to crap on anymore with my own hyper-accelerated bullsh!t, except to say that if you don't end up selling your van, then I highly recommend the theft of Moose Penis...um....Penii.....uh.Penises, oh f*#k, I think you get the picture.  anyway, Moose D!cks are used in Mongolia as an aphrodisiac...............or maybe its used for Mongoloid Afro enhancement...................um................yeah!

So Rock on & I like your style

Capt Mal

And Mal said..........

Hello to each and every one of you out there.  I just wanted to let you know that I see you!

As youk now from the disclaimer notice on the home page of Capt Mal Explains, I like to ride in trains and not just because of my chicken sexer delivery boy job, I am what I like to call a people watcher.

I see you all wandering from here to there, looking at this or that, acting the way you think you need to and wondering whether anyone notices you. Well......Capt Mal does!  Don't worry; I'm not a pervert.........well.......I don't think I am.  I just believe that this world has come so far, yet we have still lost our way a little bit.  Trust in our fellow man or woman i sat an all time low and faith in ourselves is at an all time low, also not one of us has a clue as to whether we were created by a God/Force or whether we just popped up one day - not that I believe that our origin is as important asa lot of people think.  

What Capt Mal does know though is that each and every one of the quozillian lives that walk through this world means something and the circle of life just keeps f*#king going around and around and lives fade because of the way societies have forgotten (or maybe have never truly realised) that we don't need to kill each other to find peace.

I have a poem that i would like to share with you by a Canadian Military Physician, John McRae, 'In Flanders Fields'; the poppy was chosen as the flower of remembrance day due to the poppy's blooming across some of the worst battlefields of Flanders in World War 1, their red colour an appropriate symbol for the bloodshed. 

Yes, once again I am sorry for those of you expecting a joke at the end of this Capt Mal,but today just didn't seem like the day for it.

aaaaahhh f*#k it.......Adolf Hitler walks up to a jewish bartender and says. "Give me a beer you dirty Jew."  The Jewish bartender takes offense to this and say's.  "That's racial discrimination,how would you like it if I insulted you?  In fact let's change places and see how you like it."  So Hitler got behind the bar and the bartender leaves the bar, then comes back in and says.  "Give me a beer you Kraut?"

Then Hitler looks up from the glass that he is so casually cleaning and says. "Sorry, we don't serve dirty Jews here."

Yes, I know that it is a f*#ked up joke but if we can't make some light of f*#ked uphistorical mistakes and ridiculous differences then we may as well just give into the hate.

Good night and I promise to be more disgustingly rude, hopefully funny and sadistic tomorrow.   

CaptainMal out!!!!!!!

And Mal said........

It has finally come to the forefront of this blog and is now unavoidable to speak of; The Slap Police are here!!!!!

It has been a belief of mine that this world needs an authority in the middle of all other authorities.  

A brand of police who have no restrictions within their role and brand their victims with malice and contempt.

The Slap Police are a new breed of hero; a hero for the every man; a hero far and above the call of duty.

Let me explain......The Slap Police were invented because of the restrictions thrust upon the regular police and all other enforcement agencies.  Although I take issue with various things that police do, such as drive over the speed limit all of the time except just when necessary, but in general the police do a sh!t hot job.  But, the restrictions they must live by pains me more then inch thick anal beads (not that i know that personally, a friends, brothers, sister uses them - and no don't ask me for her number...............because she doesn't really exist.......................awkward!)  anyway, let's get back to the Slapping.  To cut a long story short, there are too many rules and regulations and policies.  The Slap Police exist for one purpose only; TO SLAP STUPID F*#KING DUMB C<NT$.

For example, you are walking along the road pushing a stroller with your child in it, you push the stroller out onto a road and then you look to see if there is any traffic coming!!!!!  A Slap Police Officer would then walk ever so calmly up to you and address you in a formal manner, such as. 'Sir/Madam, do you realize that by pushing the stroller out into the street before looking for traffic, regardless of how perfect your peripheral vision is, you have endangered this childs life.  It is correct that this child sits unharmed in his buggy, eager to reach whatever destination you are set for, yet, it is impossible for me to avoid this citation as I believe that you have put your child in potential harm, thus causing me to believe that you either have something pressing on your mind or you are a f*#king moron; do you understand sir/madam.'

At this point the person is able to respond with any defense that they deem helpful and after the rebuttal the Slap Police Officer would then say something such as 'I understand your situation and the complexities of what brought you to this point, however it is in my opinion that the maximum sentence available to me to pass on is the due owed here today sir/madam.'

And then without further delay the Slap Police Officer will remove his/her glove, pull their arm back behind their head and swing with the force of the Gods and the accuracy of Robin Hoods arrow.  The Slap will be quick, firm and true!

The person will then be assessed as to whether or not they require medical assistance and then the Slap Police Officer hands the offence violator a ticket that just pretty much clearly states the words - YOU HAVE BEEN SLAPPED BY YOUR FRIENDLY LOCAL SLAP POLICE OFFICER, HAVE A NICE DAY AND PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!

So, this brings me to the picture.  Sally was one day drinking with her friends and got incredibly drunk.  Sally hates the people who live next door because they seem to have picture perfect lives.  Sally then decides to hop up, butt ass naked and take a dump on her neighbors lawn from over the fence.  It was then that Sally realised two things. 1) She didn't actually have to take a dump & 2) This entire thing was not a really well thought out plan as she got stuck.  As the offence was not acknowledged as a severe enough violation by the police, the Slap Police were called.  Brian and Terry, the local Slap Police were on their day off, but as they were not far from the address, they took the call anyway.  When they arrived they assessed the situation and decided that the slapping would need to take place after Sally was removed from the fence.  Brian and Terry then persisted to assist the offence violator and after Sally finished her special delivery, Brian and Terry helped her off the fence.  Sally was a little embarrassed by then and had sobered up quite a bit.  "I am so sorry officers."  she said.  Brian looked at Terry and Terry looked at Brian then then both men slapped the woman simultaneously.

"Oh f*#k."  Sally said as she fell to the ground with her bare @ss still exposed.  "What did you do that for?"

"We do apologise ma'am, but in extreme circumstances, when stupidity reaches new heights with no conceivable precedent, we are allowed to act first and explain our rightful actions afterward.  Brian and Terry then explained to Sally just how stupid she was for doing what she did and after her sentence was passed, She decided that it was fair enough and then she sh!t herself all over the lawn and fell asleep.

other types of Slap Police offenses are: smoking around a baby, overtaking in a school zone at any time of the day even if it was a legal act, packing the light breakable grocery items in the bags first, renting the Accidental Tourist, watching Brothers & Sisters, driving a Hummer, gambling on Pokie machines, honking impatiently at the person in front of you when they can physically do nothing about the traffic in front of them, being a scientologist who can't explain their faith in less then twenty five words, people who push into lines, women who buy clothes two sizes too small, men who where plaid and don't golf, people who complain about the person in line in front of them having 16 items in their basket in a 15 item register, people who think that Elvis is still alive, people who think Michael Jackson is still alive, being American, most people who are French, people who walk into trees or fall down potholes because they were perving on a girl/guy, kids who wear their hats on backward because they think it is cool, kids who have their underpants showing ........

and many, many more.

So now that the Slap Police are out there in blog world, expect to see a lot more of them.

And Mal said.......

I would love to come up with some f*#king wonderful story about this Mofu, but to be honest G.C. is just too f*#king cool to dis.

I personally would rather dis Chuck Norris and we all know that if you dis Chuck Norris, even if he never hears you, he will find out and at some random time in the future you will be round house kicked to the face.

Anyway, speaking of large breasts, how about that Oprah, don't you just hate her.  And the feeling you get when you sit on a tack just makes me want to scream 'holy f*#king sh!t my Christ'.

Yes, i understand that i just went a little random and kind of weird on all of your asses, but so does George Clinton.

That is what is so sweet about the man; he is a random, weird dude, who can sing some sweet sh!t and is inducted into halls of fame and sh!t.

But really, don't you just hate Oprah, I personally think she is the devil and that some time in the future Chuck Norris will have to fight her.

I hope I am still around to see that sh!t go down.

I am now going to go and eat a bag of fairy floss................................not sure why i shared that, but I bet that within 24 hours, you will all have had some f*#king fairy floss.  Good night and remember that Penis Envy is a horrid infliction that needs someone to raise money for and start a charity; perhaps Hugh Grant could run it.